Boy stops coming to scouts - What to write mom

[Thomas54]

I have a First Class Scout who has not been showing up to meetings lately. I want to write his mom and see if there is anything we can do. But there is background.

 

 

The mom and dad had a bitter divorce while the boy was in Cubs. Nearly all communications are still through the courts. I know the dad does not support scouts because whenever there is a scout event on "his" weekend the scout does not show up. I have heard from the mom that the step-mom and dad have tried to encourage the scout to quit scouting.

 

The mom has gone on every campout and summer camp that her boy has gone on. At times she can be over barring. For example at every summer camp meal she ate with her boy.

 

What I suspect is happening is that when it's "her" weekend she does not want the scout to be away from her for a multitude of reasons. One she wants to spend the limited time she has with her son and two its a "I am better parent then you" type of situation by spending quality time with the son. I also suspect that the scout and mom are at a point where mom really shouldn't be nor wants to be camping at every campout. So rather then face that mom is still hovering well into the boys middle school years, it's easier for both just to drop scouting.

 

Of course maybe the scout really just has had enough of scouting.

 

Anyway I want to write the mom and am looking for thoughtful words that will enocourge the scout to stay in scouting or perhaps return when they are both ready.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(This message has been edited by Thomas54)

[Twocubdad]

Don't write, call.

 

"We've missed Billy at Scouts the last little while and I'm just checking in to see how you both are and if there is anything we can do for you."

 

Or a similar open-ended question, then listen.

[LeCastor]

I agree with TwoCubDad. You should give the mom a call and discuss your concerns with her. Very often, emails and/or letters are taken to mean things that weren't intended. You can't hear concern in someone's voice through email. A phone call is very personal and shows care for the Scout. An email is very 21st century but not personal at all.

 

 

[packsaddle]

I had a couple of these situations over the years as CM. I also would advise not to write. I think to show genuine interest, face-to-face with the mom is the best way. A call to arrange a visit or chat is the way to go. If she wants to talk via phone she'll let you know by continuing the conversation.

When I met with the moms I started the conversation by noting that we had missed having him around and then I spoke words in support and offering assistance. The moms were very appreciative of the offers and the knowledge that someone else 'out there' cares. They often feel isolated, alone, and abandoned (not to mention betrayed and perhaps suspicious). However, I made no offers that I was not prepared to follow through on. They also, as much as anything, want honesty.

But honest concern and support is a wonderful thing and in my cases they appreciated it.

[Eagle92]

Definately call. Emails get ignored very easily. I had a Cub who was active over the summer, and was scheduled to attend 2 trips with the pack that didn't show up for over a month. Emails got no response. Phone call and a message got a very quick return call explaining what's going on, and that he'd see me on the trip.

 

But sometimes, phone numbers change/get disconnected, and messages do not get returned.

[Tampa Turtle]

Agree with in-person. High touch will go along way. Sad when Scouts is used as a weapon--if that is. I missed a boy for a while and it turned out in a span of 3 months two grandparents died with messy estates and the mom got gravely ill. Scouts was the last things on their mind but after contact (I walked up to her in the store) he came back --when reminded they wanted the normalcy.

[SSScout]

Been there, unfortunately done that.

Is there another mom (friend?) that knows the divorcedScoutmom? Often the devorcedmom doesn't recognize or is unwilling to admit to the =him vs me= dynamic. It unfortunately comes down to the divorced parents REQUIRING that the boy choose between them.

How well did you (the SM) connect with the boy? Could you go with or thru the other mom (NOT male!) to the DSmom about your concerns for the boy? It cannot sound like you are trying to take the boy away from the mom. It must be made obvious that , of course she is a good parent, but that the boy must be left to realize for himself the truth of the matter, and he will, eventually. There can be no doubt about that, even tho it take years for it to happen. In the mean time, the boy can gain in his confidence and ability to decide things for himself thru his Scout career, given a chance.

But do not write. Call and express your concern about the BOY, not her situation, but the boy's. His buddies miss him. You would like to see him complete xyz. He was a real asset to his Patrol at the Camporee. You enjoy watching him grow and mature, soon he will be the young man, not merely a boy, she must be very proud of him.

If you have no contact with the father, I don't quite see the benefit of it. Perhaps if you have his phone number, you might phone and comment to him how well the boy is doing in Scouts, how he has grown and etc., but maybe not. Depends on your comfort level.

It is never easy (even with intact families) when the parents won't let go of the boy. Here, it sounds like a mom with regrets, or revenge or loneliness (afraid of being "left", again). Hard to say from out here in email land...

Good luck, "do your best", .

"Keep your stick on the ice, we're pulling for ya"

[qwazse]

Yep. Talk. Don't write. Good luck.

Call the dad as well. Just let him know you miss seeing him around, and as a First-Class scout he has a lot to offer your boys (or any group of youth wherever he goes).

 

If the mom is sticking around, I would suggest that she help on the committee and spend time with parents of cross-overs encouraging them to fundraise, come to camp, etc ...

 

Needless to say, you don't want to be anybody's therapist! If you have a divorced mom on your committee, she might be able to listen to gory details. But your focus is on a find scout who should be finding his own as a leader in the troop.

[shortridge]

One she wants to spend the limited time she has with her son and two its a "I am better parent then you" type of situation by spending quality time with the son.

 

The latter can be a very powerful motivating factor. Her fear may be that the father would point to their son's frequent campout attendance on "her" weekends and argue that his mother is passing him off on other people, not spending time with him. So to get the best of both worlds - if she wants Scouting for her son - she attends as well.

 

Maybe you can find a unit support role for her to be involved in - a committee post, advancement coordinator, MBC, something like that - so she is still able to say "I'm involved in my son's life and activities, but I'm letting him step forward and flourish on his own."

[perdidochas]

I'd go with TwoCubDad's suggestion, but be prepared for a long conversation or a very short one.

[Adam S]

Why not have his Patrol Leader or the SPL call him to determine if he is even interested. Let your Scouts take care of their own, and let them know your available to speak with the parents if needed.

[Engineer61]

Having gone down (and still on) the messy divorce road, I'd say do nothing.

 

Imagine seeing or talking to your child(ren) only 7 out of every 14 days. The last thing you want to do as a parent is give up 2 of them.

 

If you insist on talking to the parents, expect a very, very short and terse reply.

 

If these parents are in the middle of full blown custody battle, activities that take time away from parents can be viewed as a negative on the parent that encourages the engagement ... been there done that...

 

"On his/her weekends with Johnny, he/she doesn't even spend time with him, instead he/she ships him off to Scouts."

 

Scouting is not necessarily viewed by the legal system/custody evaluators/etc as an automatic positive.

 

Also, don't underestimate the fact that the child himself misses his daily contact with his parents and does not want to give that time up for Scouts.

 

2 cents spent.

(This message has been edited by Engineer61)

[eagle90]

I agree with Engineer. Do nothing. Don't get in between two heated contestants in a messy divorce. We are scout leaders, not Dr. Phil.

[BadenP]

 

I have to agree with Eng61, this is parental warfare at its worse and you can bet that scouting is not at the top of either parents list. The sad part is the boy is caught in the middle and is the only true victim here.

[momof2cubs]

When my youngest was in his Tiger year, one dad insisted on being the den leader. He had visions of one on one time spent with his son on a worthwhile activity. The divorce was final and the custody terms pretty set. We even set up den meetings on Monday nights because it was the only night he had his kids. No problem.

 

What actually ended up happening is that he also had to bring his daughter to the meetings. Ok, mild inconvenience (the girl hated it), but it could be dealt with. But in addition, he couldn't attend go see its on not-his-weekends (his ex wife wouldn't bring the kid and wouldn't allow dad to attend if she did) and could not attend pack meetings on Tuesday nights (wife would occasionally bring the kid, but wouldn't allow dad to be there if she did because it was "her" day). At the end of the year they both dropped out of scouts.

 

Like a previous poster said, I'm no Dr Phil and we are not qualified to get involved with this. Let it be. It's a shame for the boy, but not something we can do anything about. And getting involved could result in very unpleasant things. Like being called into court (think it can't happen? I was summoned once as a witness in a divorce case - I was the Sunday School volunteer teacher and mom's lawyer thought I could be a good witness to the fact that she brought her well-adjusted children to church every Sunday)