Handling Death

[Engineer61]

Hi all,

 

I know this is not a typical topic to cover in a Scouting Forum...but I'm asking for help on what to do next...

 

My stepson, a Scout, age 13, will likely lose his Dad within the next few days. He has said his goodbyes...and now it is just waiting. The events leading up to this occurred within the last 4 days...there is almost no chance for recovery without divine intervention.

 

If there was ever a kid that worshiped his Dad...my stepson was poster boy.

 

I know of no one this young who has lost a parent...so I'm in totally new territory. I just hope I have the strength and courage to do what this boy needs.

 

-E61

[kari_cardi]

I am so sorry that your stepson has to face the loss of his father. I wish strength, peace and grace for him and for your family in the coming difficult days.

 

When my niece lost her father to cancer (my BIL), she said that she appreciate the support of a grief group at her school. Maybe your stepson's school has a similar group.

[OldGreyEagle]

be there to hug, support and love

 

there really isnt not much more you can do

[Eagle92]

I don't know what to say or do except wish you the best of luck in handling this. I am so sorry both of you have to deal with this.

[Scoutfish]

Sorry to hear it. Unfortunatly, trhere is no right or correct answer anymore than asking what is "the" favorite color for kids...to each his own.

 

Every kid is different, and the situation is unique to each kid who has to hyandle it in his own way.

 

I agree that just being there , listening when needed, giving spoace when needed and talking when needed is the thing to do.

 

The hard part is knowing what time to do which one.

 

 

[acco40]

Typical responses can be:

 

1) Anger at God and/or others

2) Depression (nothing matters anymore)

3) Physical maladies - headaches, appetite loss, insomnia, fatigue (i.e. stress related maladies)

4) Wanting to be alone & feeling detached from other

5) Guilt (did I do something to make this happen?)

6) Revaluation or questioning ones faith and/or religion

7) Suicidal thoughts

 

Keep in mind that all of the above is "normal" and I'd give the child plenty of space in the way of understanding and tolerance but monitor how grief is manifesting itself in the child.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[kbandit]

Please let your step-son's troop leadership know the situation. We have in the past attended visitations and funerals of member's family. Seemed to help (I hope). Sorry for your impending loss.

YIS

[JoeBob]

Kids are resilient. He'll adapt quickly. He doesn't know how to behave in this new situation, so much of how he reacts will be a reflection of how others around him react. ie- Keep your personal grief to yourself.

 

At 22 I became guardian to my little brothers when our mom was killed. They were 12 and 14. By the time I got home to Georgia from Alaska, they were done with the cying and worried about their new world. Building a life together kept us too busy to carry emotional baggage.

 

Of course it could just be that at 22 I was totally clueless...

 

Since y'all know that this death is emminent; when his dad actually passes, it may be a relief.

[pchadbo]

Engineer,

The best suggestions I have have been said here, be there for him to talk with or not depending on what he wants. Do those things that will help him to remember his Dad, and oh yeah, be there for him.

[Papadaddy]

I've had three scouts lose a parent during my tenure with the troop. One dad went from being a strapping 6'4" 260 lbs to a shell of a man in months with pancreatic cancer. Another's mom (of two scouts) fought a hard battle against breast cancer for eight years. Neither one was easy. As a troop, we tried to provide as "normal" an environment as possible...a place where they could depend on people who were supporting and loving and not treat them "different". Everyone grieves differently and at different rates. Nothing can heal the pain but time. I myself lost both parents in 1995, 6 months apart. I worshiped my dad, a WWII submarine veteran, who was not educated, but taught me more about life than anyone else. To this day, I miss them...and find myself passing on that wisdom to my own boys as they start their families. All you can do is "be there" for him...understand the emotions and the anger and don't take anything personally. He will work through it...in his own way and in his own time.

[structuralrik]

My heart goes out to your family. Speaking from my own experience of losing a parent when I was 9.

 

I agree, be there and let him know you're not going away.

 

Try not to change other parts of his life or routine. The loss can be confusing, routine can stabilize him and allow the grieving process to progress. Let him know it's ok to grieve openly (crying is acceptable). I think allowing him to see your grief can actually aid his process, kid's don't always have the tools to cope so look to others.

 

Even with the prior warning he may go through denial; more emotional than intellectual. He knows his father is gone and is not coming back; but will not feel the loss yet.

 

There is no way to predict how long his grieving process will take.

 

 

[The Blancmange]

I lost my dad at 17, and I have worked with a couple of other kids who went through this as teens as well. The best advice has already been given - just be there for him. So many people shy away because they don't know what to do or say. It doesn't have to be anything special, other than him knowing people care and are there.

[Papadaddy]

One other thing for those who know someone who lost a loved one. Don't say "if you need anything, let me know". They will never call you. Do a little homework and find out what needs to be done...and just do it. Cut the grass, take a meal, take the kids to scout meetings, show up to sit with an elder or child to give them a break...even if all they do is retreat to their room for some uninterrupted quiet time. Or just go and sit and hold their hand...no words are necessary. Speaking from experience, the most lonely time is after the relatives have gone home and the food is all gone, and you're left to your thoughts and an empty house (or bed). That's when it hits and support is needed.

[Engineer61]

Thanks for the insight...the end has not come as yet...but the DNR and releases for Organ Donor have been signed.

 

-E61

[Beavah]

Yah, E61, my heart goes out to the young man.

 

So much of how young people take death they learn from watchin' the folks around them. Boys especially don't talk so much as watch and do. By just being an example of a man who has been through death and hard times before, you will give him a model of how he can cope with such things. How to stay with his dad when it's hard. How to say goodbye. How to pray when empty. How to support his mom and any siblings. And most importantly, how to grieve.

 

Just be present, and be that example. Teens lives are up and down, eh? Da next year will be more up and down than usual.

 

I also strongly agree with structuralrik, eh? "Try not to change other parts of his life or routine. The loss can be confusing, routine can stabilize him and allow the grieving process to progress." The lad is losing one of his anchors. It's more important than ever that the other anchors in his life stay in place - his mom, you, his school, his activities. And by all means, let his troop know so that they can do their part. It's a godsend at wakes and funerals to have some other young people to just be with as a break from the press of adults.

 

Beavah