bullied... to death

[codger]

Hello. I'm Codger. I'm not a teenager - far from it.

I'm pushing 50, but feel like 30.

I believe in the Scout Law. All of it.

 

I don't back down to bullies, because I remember a time in my long ago youth when a boy and girl on my bus was bullied, and I felt ashamed I did not have the courage to intervene on their behalf. I won't repeat that mistake.

 

I identify with the old Boy Scouts of America - where kids earned their badges, parents trusted each other, society trusted Scoutmasters, and nearly everyone tried to do the right thing. Today, nearly everyone does the "me" thing - what's in it for me and mine. Bullies thrive in an environment where society views the bully and their target as both "victims" of the "system" - because when everyone is responsible, no one is responsible. The number one cause of the spread of bully behavior is that society punishes the target who fights back or stands up to a bully just as much as the bully. "Zero Tolerance" in many cases equals zero responsibility, because the authority figures do not wish to identify an aggressor.

[studentscout]

"Hello. I'm Codger. I'm not a teenager - far from it."

Bummer.

[Beavah]

Bullies thrive in an environment where society views the bully and their target as both "victims" of the "system" - because when everyone is responsible, no one is responsible.

 

Yah, amen to that.

 

I know a fellow who knows a fellow who does research on this sort of stuff. They tell me that by and large kids feel betrayed by adults who take the tack codger describes. Makin' bullying into a "system" thing rather than steppin' forward and standing up to it directly and personally like an adult should. Da lesson codger learned as a young fellow is one we all should take to heart. Our example is what da kids will follow, not our words.

 

I do have a bone to pick with yeh, though, codger. You are way too young to be callin' yourself a codger.

 

Beavah

 

[sailingpj]

"I do have a bone to pick with yeh, though, codger. You are way too young to be callin' yourself a codger. "

 

I saw that and just had to respond. It is all relative Beavah. Compared to me 50 is really really old (don't tell my mom I said that). I think that Codger is just expecting to be on these forums for another 30 years so he is just being prepared.

[codger]

Love the idea of being around for the next 30 years! Thanks, guys.

[acco40]

Does anyone remember the Andy Griffith show where Opie was a victum of bullying? A kid kept taking his lunch money. Sheriff/Dad Andy told him he needed to confront the bully.

 

Yes, that was back in the days when bad guys were ugly, goodness always triumphed over evil, sex was only between married couples (of opposite genders) and blacks hardly existed - so yes, I know it was not reality. However, I do think for the most part it helped influence youngsters in a positive way, much like Scouting even with some of it's faults today.

 

Overview

Opie has to deal with a bully as he learns about standing up for what is rightly his.

 

Season Number: 2, Episode Number: 33, Aired: October 2, 1961

 

Episode Summary

Andy discovers that Opie is getting extra money for school. When he questions Opie and doesn't get a real answer, Barney sees a chance to put his detective skills to use in order to get to the bottom of it. He trails Opie to school one morning and discovers that Opie is being threatened into giving up his nickel every day by a bully named Sheldon. Despite Barney's insistence that he intervene, Andy decides to let Opie handle the situation himself. Andy explains that Opie has to learn to stand up for himself, even if the consequences might be a little painful. Later, Opie and Andy are fishing. Andy tells Opie the story of his encounter with a bully named Hoadie Snitch. It turns out that Hoadie followed Andy, when he was a boy about Opie's age, to his secret fishing spot. He demanded that Andy never fish there again. Andy explains how he stood up for himself, even though the results were painful. This gives Opie the courage to stand up to his own bully.

 

(This message has been edited by acco40)

[SMT224]

codger got it right...

"Bullies thrive in an environment where society views the bully and their target as both "victims" of the "system" - because when everyone is responsible, no one is responsible. The number one cause of the spread of bully behavior is that society punishes the target who fights back or stands up to a bully just as much as the bully. "Zero Tolerance" in many cases equals zero responsibility, because the authority figures do not wish to identify an aggressor."

 

When someone who is harassed day after day, or even a witness of such behavior, and then tries to do something about it, is then put into the same category as the harasser, we end up with no action taken at all and the bullying continues. Can you imagine how a kid would feel, if after weeks, months, maybe years of bullying, he finally stands up to the bully, only to be taken down by the authority figures who are supposed to be there to help and protect him?

 

In this perspective on this issue,

http://www.fedsmith.com/article/2386/bullied-death-yearold-massachusetts-girl-hangs-herself.html

the author wonders why no one stopped the harassing of that 15-Year-Old Massachusetts Girl who hung herself. He notes that,

"Almost as disturbing as the incessant bullying was the inaction on the part of South Hadley High School faculty members, staff and administrators. District Attorney Elizabeth Scheibel found that many of them were aware of the bullyingauthorities said that Phoebe's mother brought her concerns to at least two of them - and that some even witnessed physical abuse, and did nothing. Ms. Scheibel noted that the school's code of conduct was inconsistently enforced. Though the faculty, staff and administrators' behavior was not deemed criminal, she observed that "the actions, or inactions, of some adults at the school are troublesome."

 

No argument there, except that Ms. Scheibel could have, without fear of contradiction, used significantly harsher language in my opinion. On the day that she killed herself, Phoebe had been harassed as she studied in the library at South Hadley High School, apparently in the presence of a faculty member and several students, none of whom reported it until after the death, according to Ms. Scheibel.

 

I realize that we as a society demand a great deal of teachers, often requiring them to function not just as educators but also as social workers and in a variety of other capacities, but I think student safety is a responsibility they can't ignore.

 

Faculty and staff behavior in a recent school shooting here in the Denver area stands in stark contrast to the inaction on the part of South Hadley school officials. In the Deer Creek Middle School incident, a 32-year-old man shot two students as classes were letting let out on February 23.

 

The carnage would undoubtedly have been far worse but for the actions of David Benke, a math teacher and track coach who tackled the suspected gunman as he was preparing to fire again. Dr. Benke was aided by several faculty/staff members. Despite being widely praised for his heroic actions, he faulted himself for not reacting quickly enough to stop the two students from being shot.

 

In the Denver case, the faculty and staff who took action placed themselves in great personal danger. Their counterparts at South Hadley High School did not appear to be at risk of physical harm had they acted to stop the bullying. While this is pure speculation, I can't imagine that Dr. Benke and his colleagues would have allowed such bullying to occur in their presence. As noted earlier, South Hadley High School officials won't be charged criminally, but I believe they are guilty of gross negligence in the bullying and subsequent death of Phoebe Prince."

 

The author of this article also notes that...

"Any hope that the perpetrators would be mortified by the fact that their behavior had caused Phoebe to kill herself was dashed by the posting of taunting comments on her Facebook memorial page."

 

Expecting that a bully will "empathize with the victim and then stop the bullying" is idiotic, yet seems to the be one of the main ways school officials today expect bullying to be stopped. Sometimes this kind of behavior just needs to be stopped cold.

 

[DYB-Mike]

A double Amen to Codger and SMT224 great posts.

 

Both my sons have had some minor run-ins with bullies. My older son has had problems with a boy who ironically was once his best friend (sometimes irony aint so cool Studentscout).

 

I have told them to deal with bullies with non-violent methods first. Sometimes if a bully doesnt get a rise out of you theyll go away. Ultimately, if that doesnt work and they are getting no support from the school faculty, they need to defend themselves physically. While I dont condone violence and try to avoid it at all costs, there may come a time where thats the only option. I promised my sons that, as long as they honestly used physical means as the very last resort, their mother and I would support them when the incident went before the school officials. It might mean a suspension, but I would intend it to send a message to the school that if kids have to resort to physical defense to get a bully off their back then the schools need to take a hard look at their policies.

 

As you might note I come from the neck of the woods where that poor girl committed suicide. My wife and I, as well as other parents we know, were never happy with the so-called anti-bullying policies that were in effect at our schools. My wife told me about some bizarre initiative where the bullies would get to have lunch with the principal and got to invite a friend! What that was supposed to accomplish we never did quite understand. It seemed more like a reward for bad behavior!

 

Our state legislature is now taking a hard look at the issue. This has been going on for a while, but that poor girls death has naturally turned up the heat. Its a shame that it takes a tragedy to get things done.

 

I realize that there are often underlying issues with kids who are bullies and Im not against trying to help them with their problems but no way at the expense of the victims. To not let bullies experience that there are consequences to anti-social behavior is not doing them any service.

 

I know my advice to my sons is not very scouty, nor is it quite in line with my faith, but I honestly feel that there are times when there is no other way.

 

By the way, my sons ex-friend also was bullying another boy. After putting up with it for a while the other boy turned around one day and slugged the bully. Both got suspended, but I believe the bully is no longer bothering the slugger.

 

YIS

Mike

 

[Lisabob]

"I know a fellow who knows a fellow who does research on this sort of stuff. They tell me that by and large kids feel betrayed by adults who take the tack codger describes. Makin' bullying into a "system" thing rather than steppin' forward and standing up to it directly and personally like an adult should"

 

YES. Thank you for saying this.

 

This is the key thing, in my view. All of the "anti-bullying" programs I have seen thus far at my child's school system come down to this. Adults who are supposedly responsible for making the programs "work," simply don't. Maybe they can't, maybe they just don't. Result is the same either way. The kids trust the adult advise when they are young - but upon discovering that it is inconsistently enforced, or not enforced, or that the "zero tolerance" refers to the kid who, while being sat upon and punched on the playground or called horrible names, dares to strike back in self defense, kids totally lose their trust in such systems going forward. Not without reason.

 

Personally, I have resigned my membership in scouting over similar problems, and lost some scouter friends, recently over EXACTLY this argument. They disagreed with my assessment. I think they have their heads in the sand about how this plays out in reality. Whatever the reason, the result is that - yet again - kids who are being bullied in intolerable ways, feel betrayed by adults whom they really wanted to be able to trust.

 

 

 

 

[Woapalanne]

Strange story - true: I was bullied in high school (being the skinny bespectacled kid) by a real jerk. Later he became a cop, and was killed on the job. I never heard the fine details, but have to wonder if he threw his weight around with the wrong criminal.