Emotional Support for Kids Who Need It (sequel)

[Beavah]

Yah, the parent thread got a bit sidetracked, but I think it's an important topic worth discussin'.

 

So... this thread is open to anybody who is willing to share specific ideas that may be helpful to a fellow Scouter for identifying and responding appropriately to a scout who might be feeling down in the dumps, left out, or otherwise in need of some extra support for a bit.

 

It came partly out of scoutmomma's comments in one of the bullying threads about adult leaders being "oblivious" to the needs of a particular boy or what the lad was going through. Regardless of "bullying" definitions, the lad was in need of support. I think even in the best of units it's possible for some kids to "fall through the cracks" for a bit - perhaps just by not showing up. And I think even our "best" kids are occasionally in need of some support and individual attention. Having techniques or habits for "catching" such kids can be a real service; having a range of ideas for responding to the needs of such kids can be a great resource.

 

So feel free to share either things your unit does to identify kids who need some added attention, or some ideas for how yeh have supported those kids once found.

 

As a courtesy, I'd ask for specific ideas only (whether from the BSA materials, your own experience, an interestin' notion, or a lucky guess). And so we don't get distracted too much by critique, if you're going to critique or expound on a particular idea beyond a passing comment, please spin off a new thread.

 

Beavah

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[Stosh]

The boys and I were discussing how to incorporate all the new boys into 3 NSP's now that B/G's are over. The discussion ran the full range of ideas, but the boys were specific in not using certain techniques. No choosing sides for example because someone always gets picked last, etc.

 

What they came up with was all the boys could pick a buddy so that no matter what happened they would always be with their biggest buddy. Then the duo's would draw out of a hat the numbers 1, 2, or 3 and that's the patrol they would be in.

 

We have 3 groups all of which are odd numbered and of different sizes. The boys decided that after everyone paired, the three "leftovers" would in similar process havae a separate drawing of a 1, 2 or 3. Their "buddy" would be the PL and he would be the first APL in the rotation of the boys through leadership training the first year. The boys felt that would ease some of the downer feeling of not having a buddy to pick.

 

I think that boys of that age are aware of the emotional needs of each other and if given the opportunity to address them, they can come up with some pretty creative ideas.

 

Stosh

[Bob White]

Using the Patrol Method as a way to get scouts into a social group that they are likey to be comfortable in is an excellent idea.

 

There is a way actually where you can get scouts in to patrol gropupsing with at least 3 or 4 buddies if not more. It is a fairly simple process that used to be taught in the Scoutmaster basic training courses in the 80's. It involves having each scout write the names of a specific number of scouts they would like to be with in a patrol on a slip[ of paper with thier name at the top. The number of scouts is determined by how many patrols you expect to develop and how many scouts you have. For instance with 15 Scouts you might make 2 or 3 patrols depending on the results of the process. So you might have each scout list 6 others they would like to be in a patrol with.

 

You then create a chart with the names of all the scouts across the top to label columns, and down the left side to label rows. Take the list that each scout made go across their row and pot an x in the column of each scout the name. By the end of the excercise you will patterns in the colums that will help you easily formulate patrols where scouts end up with several of the scouts they want to be in a patrol with.

 

This formula also helps identify possible social problems , is for instance you have a scout with no checks in his column, this is a red flag. For some reason no other scout is interested in being in a patrol with this young man. You may not have observed this problem for some time or not understood why there is friction in his patrol had you not taken this simple survey of sorts. You now have the opportunity to discover the problem and help resolve issues with the scout or his pers early on.

 

But again good use of using the existing methods of scouting to help scouts adapt to the troop and patrol socially.

 

 

[Eamonn]

Not sure if this is going to come of saying what I want it too?

I have known some adult leaders who from what I have observed (And I could be 100% wrong!!) seem to act like they are some high ranking military officer. They seem to see dealing with tasks as being more important than dealing with kids. Some units seem more like Boot Camps than Boy Scout units.

I like to think that I do really care for each and every kid I serve.

Each and every child that joins a Scout unit has different wants and needs.

Some children have needs that do need to be handled by professionals who are trained to deal with these needs.

Some of the Scouts we serve see Scouts and Scouting as just another activity that falls on a Monday night with the odd trip to camp. They are busy and involved in a lot of other activities and meet and deal with a lot of adults. Some they will like and form an attachment with and others they will tolerate in order to participate in the activity.

This does not make them any less of a Scout than the Scout who sees Scouting as being the center of his or her world.

While of course there are exceptions to every rule I would hope that Parents are the people that a Scout would turn to for emotional support.

We as volunteer leaders might at times notice a change in a Scout and after talking with him or her, mention the change to the parent.

The Scouts we serve, if they remain with us for a long time do go through a lot of changes.

Moving from one school to another,puberty, questioning their values and the values that they might see as being forced upon them. Some will want to experiment with things that might not be good for them and try new things that could have not so great consequences.

When OJ turned about 14 it seemed that his mother and him were arguing all the time and not getting along very well. By the time he was 16 or 17, it seemed to me that him and I were for some unknown reason becoming very distant.

I was thankful that he had the support of his friends and a few caring adults who were willing to listen to him and make him aware what his options were and maybe at times give him a very friendly kick in the pants!

Taking the time to listen to our Scouts is very important.

Helping them ask and answer there own questions, without jumping in trying to fix everything or judge everything for them is important.

Each and every kid needs a friend.

I do try to take on the role of an older very experienced big brother.

However I never forget that they are not my kids, they do have parents who are their primary care givers and I'm not trained in dealing with everything that might come along.

They need to know that I do care and that I'm there for them.

While of course the BSA has built opportunities into the program for us to meet and talk with Scouts, I find that having two or three Scouts stuck with me on a long drive is a great time to talk and find out more about what is really going on, that and a few of us working on boat repairs seems to be the best time for open two way communication.

Eamonn.

 

[FireKat]

Emotional support does not come from a text or class.  

It cannot be outlined, organized, or taught.   

It comes from watching and listening. 

Use your eyes. Do you see a kid hanging back?  Not joining in? Go find out why. Ask carefully with sympathy not judgment. 

The hanging back may be due to someone being mean to the boy.  Watch for interactions.  Dont let them see you watching. You can be surprised by what you can observe when they think you are not watching.  That is a skill not all seem to get the hang of. You have to be almost invisible.

Once it can be determined what is the problem then comes the education.  Both the bully and the victim need to be talk to. Not lectured at but a casual conversation that can help them come to realize what is going on and if it follows scout sprit. 

I always enjoy it when the light bulb goes on. The lesson then becomes part of them where a lecture is soon forgotten.

Bottom line is there is no one way to handle these things. It will vary on the kids, the incident, and the severity of the damage.  Kids, especially boys, have to be taught empathy. They must learn to walk a mile in the others moccasins. 

[Bob White]

"Emotional support does not come from a text or class."

 

True, but knowing how to recognize and how give emotional support is a learned skill. If it werent't then there are a lot of needless college courses and books on the topic.

 

And while there is no one way to handle these things there are specific tools that can be emplyed, Such as a few that you have mentioned such as observationand evaluation and empatheic communication, all of which are taught in BSA leadership training courses.

[Stosh]

I have three simple rules for Scouting, 1) Safety First, 2) Look and act like a Scout, and 3) Have fun!

 

When I see a boy breaking rule #3 I have a chat about it and it makes for a good excuse to sit and visit about why things don't seem to be going well for the boy. It makes a good excuse for intervention early in the process.

 

Stosh

[FireKat]

There is nothing worse than someone who sat in a class, not really paying attention because they think they know the stuff, then lording around as an expert while things fall apart.  I have seen this way too many times. 

Like a bull in a china shop, they stomp all over, not helping and sometimes even making it worse.  I would rather have a natural listener than a dozen class trained oafs that will not listen to the kids or another adult because they have the training.  We have some of that going on. One class is more than years of working with the kids in their eyes (oh, it does not matter if those adults went through the training too they just did so they know more).  Meanwhile the kids are being trampled by these trained adults. 

All the true listeners can do is help the kids learn how to deal with those adults. Makes our work harder. Most times there is nothing that can be done but to be a good shoulder and hope it does not make the boys scouting experience a bad memory.  

Dealing with bullies and the emotional needs of kids is not something that can be written in stone or a policy, not in specifics.  It must be kept in generalities.  Allow the adults to deal with the situation as needed.

 Kids lives are not black and white but many shades of gray.

 

[Eamonn]

Some people might not need all the training that is available, while others will get a lot from the training's.

I thought I was a good listener until I went to Wood Badge and we took the time to look at listening.

For work I was trained in looking out for inmates who showed signs of being suicidal. Most of it seemed like common sense, but since the State has started training people what to look for the suicide rate has dropped by over 50%.

The World Scout Organization is working with the World Health Organization on Teenage Suicide. The World Health Organization does have a paper for teachers that is used to train them in recognizing the signs of teenage suicide.

I think trying to dismiss the training's that are out there as being unnecessary and un-needed is not a very good idea.

Eamonn.

[Lisabob]

Although I'm in agreement that the trainings can be quite useful (if they are presented effectively and the person getting trained is receptive to the information being presented) I think a part of what FireKat is describing comes back to basic listening skills.

 

If a leader isn't very good at listening (observing, communicating, all different aspects of that same skill) then he or she will most likely not be very aware when kids are struggling. That same leader, sent to training, may get little to nothing out of it because people who aren't good listeners typically don't do real well in a classroom type training setting, especially those focused on listening!

 

So rather than just sending a person to training or prescribing things that they need to DO (which, in my experience, doesn't work real well) I would prefer to also see us stress to SMs that they need to understand their own weaknesses and make sure to surround themselves with, and really pay attention to, people whose strengths can compensate for those weaknesses.

[Beavah]

So rather than just sending a person to training or prescribing things that they need to DO (which, in my experience, doesn't work real well) I would prefer to also see us stress to SMs that they need to understand their own weaknesses and make sure to surround themselves with, and really pay attention to, people whose strengths can compensate for those weaknesses.

 

Yah, Lisa'bob, this is a great notion, eh?

 

I confess I've been puzzlin' and puzzlin' 'til my puzzler grew sore about the former SM you described, for whom my random suggestions in the parent thread would have failed. You're right of course - all those notions were successful as tools only because they fit the personalities and styles of the leaders involved. I'm not sure how I could have helped him in this area.

 

And the proper answer is I probably couldn't. But I could help an ASM support him in the emotional-support-of-kids role while he did whatever he did well (outing logistics?).

 

The other thing I've done on occasion is when troops have SM turnover, try to help the replacement be someone different than the last. If the last SM was a good organizer, make the next one a good people-leader, or vice versa. I think that helps troops address areas that have gotten weaker as each SM played to his/her own strengths, eh?

 

Got a new one for the trick bag - a SM this weekend told me he calls or emails 3 parents per month, just to say "hi", share a couple stories about their kid, and provide an avenue to chat. In a troop of about 25-30 or so, that gets him personal contact at least once a year with each family. This fits this man's style. Maybe it might work for a few folks here. I think it falls into the "creating space to just listen" which otherwise might not happen in a busy SM's life, eh?

 

Beavah

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[Lisabob]

"The other thing I've done on occasion is when troops have SM turnover, try to help the replacement be someone different than the last. If the last SM was a good organizer, make the next one a good people-leader, or vice versa. I think that helps troops address areas that have gotten weaker as each SM played to his/her own strengths, eh?"

 

This is one of the things I think has worked pretty well in our troop, where our last few SMs have each served for 2 years before stepping down to become committee members and/or ASMs again. It gives the boys a chance to see different personality and leadership styles. Plus, because our last 2 SMs have stayed on in other capacities afterwards, it provides a sort of "institutional memory" and experience base for the new SM to draw upon.