Hello Mrs Smith, let me tell you what Johnny did...

[Lisabob]

OneHour's post brought to mind another matter that I've batted about in the last couple of years. When you hear from your child, or witness at a meeting/outing a situation where a boy is being unkind toward another boy (maybe your son) and you are not the Scout Master, is it ever appropriate to contact the boy's parents and let them know?

 

For example, we have a couple of boys who joined the same year as my son, who are basically good kids but they are good at manipulating and sometimes they can be total brats. They can make things really difficult for their patrol leader (currently my son, but not limited to him) by refusing to do what they're asked, mouthing off, and intentionally spoiling the efforts of the rest of the group. There are times my son has been so frustrated that he wanted to quit, or at least resign from being PL, because of this behavior.

 

Now I know their parents reasonably well from years of cubbing and boy scouting, but their parents seldom attend any more. And when their parents are in attendance, the boys behave differently. On a number of occasions I've been sorely tempted to call up their parents and let them know what their kids are doing because I am pretty sure the parents wouldn't condone the behavior in question, if they only knew. And if my kid were misbehaving in these ways I surely would want to hear about it!

 

But on the other hand...my spidey sense is tingling, which usually means that there's something not so smart about this approach too.

 

(Please note, this is a hypothetical question - although I've used examples above from my son's troop, I most likely wouldn't call the boys' parents even when sorely tempted, because my son would be horrified if I did that. But hypothetically, is there a time when it is appropriate to do so?)

 

[evmori]

I think the bigger issue is why does the PL not get the SPL involved & handle the situation? Getting mom & dad involved doesn't necessarily mean the problem will go away. It could get worse. The SM should be working with his youth leadership to handle these type of situations.

 

Ed Mori

1 Peter 4:10

[gwd-scouter]

Lisabob, it's interesting you ask this question because I got the same feeling from OneHour's post. I give as an example, a recent "terrible" offense committed by two of our older Scouts toward a new Scout.

 

New Scout's Mom sends me an email saying her son came home from Scouts the night before complaining that the older Scouts were picking on him - singling him out, in fact, not acting like Scouts should, and he wanted to quit.

 

Scout tells his Mom that an older Scout (my son) stole new Scout's shoes and hid them. Later, when they went outside, another older Scout threw a pine cone at new Scout and hit him in the head.

 

I was not present to witness these events, but one of our ASMs was and I called him. Turns out, new Scout failed to mention the part he played in the events. New Scout took his shoes off during part of the meeting, was running all around, and acting disrespectfully to the older Scouts trying to run a skills session. Yes, my son did take the new Scout's shoes and placed them up on a shelf where new Scout couldn't reach them. He said new Scout could get his shoes back when he stopped running around, sat down, and paid attention. Not the way I would have handled it, but certainly not as horrible as new Scout led his Mom to believe.

 

The pine cone incident involved all the Scouts outside practicing setting up tents. Turns out, one of our older Scouts got inside one the tents to sweep it out. New Scout proceeded to take out the poles and collapse the tent on older Scout. Yep, older Scout got mad and chucked a pine cone at new Scout, unfortunately hitting him in the head. What new Scout also failed to mention was that he, too, was throwing pine cones.

 

So, there is always more to the story than meets the eye. Even my own son, who had a hand in these events, neglected to relate to me the part where he took new Scouts shoes.

 

In the end, I was grateful that Mom contacted me, let me sort out what actually happened, and let me have the chance to talk to the Scouts. I think it is always best to try to handle things within the unit with the boys and leaders, find out all the details, and then if warranted let the parents of those involved know what happened. Too often, parents will only hear one side of the story and that side usually comes off sounding much more dramatic than reality.

[Oak Tree]

To the question as phrased, I think I'd say no.

 

Now, if you're talking with the parents already on at least a semi-occasional basis, you could certainly mention the situation with their son. But if they just hear from you out of the blue with some complaints about their son, I'm not sure it would be all that productive.

 

I do think that it would be useful for the parents to be given a heads-up on the situation, but I think it would be better coming from some official representative of the troop - be it SM, ASM, or some committee member, with the knowlege of the other leaders. If the situation is likely to escalate, it's good for the parents to have some advance warning (e.g. if the SM might delay signing the Scout spirit requirement, or the Scout might be removed from a POR, or whatever). You like to keep expectations set appropriately, and you'd like to keep the parents on your side if possible.

[Beavah]

When you hear from your child, or witness at a meeting/outing a situation where a boy is being unkind toward another boy (maybe your son) and you are not the Scout Master, is it ever appropriate to contact the boy's parents and let them know?

 

Only if da message you want to send is that your boy can't handle it, the PL can't handle it, the SPL can't handle it, and the SM can't handle it... and only you know what's right. When you're out with a troop, you're participatin' as an assistant leader of the troop, and yeh have to stay in that role. No end-running the youth leaders and the SM.

 

If yeh do it, everyone will get da message eh? The message that "Gawd, she (doesn't believe in me)/(is a nosy busy-body and a jerk)". All of 'em will cut you out, especially the kids. At best, they'll behave a bit while you're watchin', and then go back to what they were doin' when "that lady" is gone.

 

Even if da parents are your best friends, kids need a space where they can learn and grow and make mistakes without bein' mothered.

 

Perhaps yeh can think of better ways you can teach by example, coach the PL, or things like Roses & Thorns discussions the ASM workin' with that patrol can use?

 

Beavah

 

[Stosh]

If the SPL and the PLC are the first line of support for the patrols, why can't they convene to "get to the bottom" of the problem? Surely a "jury" of their peers can be far more effective than adults getting involved in kid-to-kid problems. If these scouts cannot resolve this issue on their own, how are they going to do it as life gets more complicated?

 

A couple of ASM's or maybe a SM tacitly observing and maybe offering occasional guidance could go a long way to having real youth-led solutions to group dynamics that are nothing more than normal activity among boys of this age.

 

A group decision also resolves the problem of just having one or two people to "blame" for resolving the issues at hand.

 

The really nice thing about this kind of approach is it leaves the responsibility and authority in the hands of the boy-leadership rather than immediately abducating it to adults at the first sign of trouble.

 

Stosh

[SSScout]

When daughter (now married and 'mostly' grown up) was a sub-teen, she was AMAZED to learn that her parents and Mrs So-n-so actually TALKED to each other about what had happened at a school event. HOW COULD YOU. DON"T YOU TRUST ME?? well, yes we did, until we heard the other three sides of the story. Parents talking to parents? oooo... what a concept.

Scout son knows that first, I will hear him out about any event he wants to complain/brag/discuss about. I will encourage him to deal with it "in ranks" and suggest possible techniques. but he also knows that if I think it's serious enough, I will speak to the SM or other parents. It's the nonjudgemental listening that is important first. That keeps him talking.

 

Dare I say it? "it takes a village/Troop/school to raise a child".

 

YiS