Motherless kids on Mother's Day

[funscout]

A friend's 3 son's will be getting through their second Mother's Day since their mom died of cancer 2 years ago. Last spring, the middle boy, then in 4th grade, had a really rough time, and missed a lot of school around the time of Mother's Day. The teacher for the youngest boy encouraged him to give the gift (that he'd made in school) to his father and he was okay with that. The oldest boy was in Middle school, so no Mother's Day gifts were made.

 

The younger boys go to the same school as my younger son, so I'm going to remind their teachers to be sensitive to the fact that these two have recently lost their mother. Does anyone have any other ideas to help these guys cope with their sorrow around the Mother's Day holiday? (I'm specifically talking about school. Dad and the boys will spend the actual day with Dad's sister and family, and they will stay home from church, since Mother's Day will be talked about.)

 

I realize the same can be true for fatherless kids on Father's Day.

[GopherJudy]

I always told my 2 childrens teachers that their father died when they were little & on Father's Day they always made something for their grandfather. They only have my parents as grandparents as my husbands parents died at least 10 years before I met him. Their teachers have always been great about that & when the fathers would come to school, my dad would go for my children.

 

It's not easy for the children either & I'm glad that you're going to remind their teachers. I hope that they have at least 1 grandmother that they can make a gift for. Also, remind the teachers to make a general statement about making gifts for mom & grandmother's on Mother's Day, not to single out the children whose mom has died. Hppefully the teachers will be understanding. I hope that everything goes well for the boys, my heart goes out to them.

 

Judy

 

 

[ccjj]

I lost my mother at a young age. And yes, Mother's Day was and still is hard at times. Back then, kids were really cruel to a young girl with no mother.

But, my teachers encouraged the entire class to make something for someone who is "like a mother to me".

I usually made something for my dad, and my next door neighbor. She was the one who really helped me to get through everything.

I wish the best for these boys and all who have lost a parent. It is hard, but eventually life does get better.

 

ccjj

[DanKroh]

We have tried a number of different things. My younger son is only in 1st grade this year, so this is only the second year he's had to deal with the "what do I do with the mother's day gift I made in school" question.

 

We've done the "give it to Dad". We've also done the "give it to Grammy (maternal grandmother)", even though we had to mail it because she lives in Philadelphia. One year, my older son was really fond of his teacher, so he gave the gift to her; she sent home a note telling us how honored she felt.

 

Every Mother's Day, we go visit her gravesite, and the boys sometimes bring along the gifts to "show" her, before they end up going to their final recipients.

 

As far as what teachers can do, the best teachers for my sons have been sensitive to the issue, and helped them by saying that the gifts could be for someone who was "as special to them as a mother is" (so that they wouldn't feel weird giving it to a man). But they also have to be aware that it is going to be an emotional time for any child. One year, my older son just absolutely refused to make something. Luckily, his teacher was accomodating and rather than trying to force the issue, let him choose to do a different activity. And there may be those times when sadness and even anger are going to make it too difficult for them to cope.

 

My older son is in Middle School now, so not as much of a deal is made there about it, but the younger is only in 1st grade, so he is dealing with this. Also, he has the added problem that he was very young, and does not have a lot of memories of his mother. This year, we are going to make a "memory book" to try to help him hold on to the memories he does have, although that is probably not an activity I would recommend for school (too emotional).

 

But even after 5 years, it is still a difficult time, and will be for many years to come.

[funscout]

Thanks so much for your replies. I got a lump in my throat and my eyes teared up while reading each of your messages. The boys do have both grandmothers and 2 aunts who live about 45 minutes away, and another aunt in a different state. They are closest (emotionally) to their maternal grandmother.

 

Also, with the boys all being 2 years apart, it worked out that the younger two both currently have a teacher that their older sibling had at the time of their mother's illness and death. So, these two teachers were already aware and remembering, before I had a chance to remind them.

 

 

ccjj - thank you for responding from the child's (now adult) point of view. My heart aches for the little girl who was you, without your mother.

 

Gopher Judy and Dan Kroh - I am so sorry that you and your kids had to suffer your loss. It does seem to help a bit to know that others out there are going through the same thing. My friend's oldest son went to a group counseling session at school for a while, and I think it helped him to see other kids his age who had also lost a parent. After a few sessions, he begged his Dad to let him quit, but at least he now knows some other kids who have a similar family situation. I will be thinking of you and your kids on the upcoming "parent's days." I love the idea of a memory book for the boys. The youngest of my little friends had just finished 1st grade when his mom died, so they all have memories, but they will fade, if not preserved.

[Fuzzy Bear]

My hope is that someone will hug each one of these kids and tell them that they are loved by their Mother every single day and that nothing in this life can ever prevent that love from reaching them.

 

Love has no borders.

 

FB