Why Don't Kids Do Chores Anymore?

[fgoodwin]

Why Don't Kids Do Chores Anymore?

 

http://www.careerjournal.com/myc/workfamily/20050701-opdyke.html

http://tinyurl.com/gwrn8

 

By Jeff Opdyke

 

From The Wall Street Journal Online

 

When I was growing up, I spent many summer days struggling to shove a bulky Toro mower through the thick mat of grass that was my yard. That was my main weekly chore. I pushed that same mower around the neighborhood with my buddy, Mike, hawking lawn-cutting services for $10 a yard.

 

I mention this because I've noticed something peculiar while driving around town in recent weeks: Though it's summer, I've yet to see a single kid out mowing a lawn. I don't see any kid-produced signs offering mowing services. I see teams of lawn-maintenance workers neatly tending yards...but no kids.

 

It's not just lawns, mind you. During our time in New Jersey, I don't recall seeing any kids raking leaves in the fall. In three years not a single kid stopped by our house offering to shovel the snow off the driveway. I never hear my son's friends lamenting the chores they're charged with after school or on weekends. All they ever do is ride bikes or dash off to this practice or that game or some camp.

 

I don't blame the kids. I blame the parents.

 

To put it bluntly: We've gone soft. Partly, I think, we remember how much we hated the chores when we were younger. Partly we feel guilty about all the time we spend working. Partly we're just too lazy and it's easier to hire somebody than force our kids to do it. Whatever the reason, many of us are slacking off when it comes to imposing on our kids the same sorts of obligations our parents required of us.

 

In watching my son water some plants for me the other day -- meaning, watching him barely sprinkle the plants amid his goofball antics with the hose and an anthill -- I realized that it's time to reverse the trend. Child-labor laws be damned, it's time my son went to work.

 

* * *

 

I don't recall how old I was when my grandfather -- who, with my grandmother, raised me -- started asking me to cut the grass, though I'm pretty sure I was about 9 or 10. I remember in second grade helping him in the garden and with odds and ends around the house. I also remember hating it: I would much rather have been down the street playing with my friends, or inside watching Scooby Doo on a Saturday morning. Occasionally, he might give me a couple of dollars for my effort, though usually he just patted me on the back and said, "Good job, buddy."

 

Looking back on those days, I realize now what my grandfather was trying to teach me then: that you must establish a work ethic; you must learn to take care of your property; you can't always expect money for simply helping the family; and you must earn through an honest day's work what you want in this life.

 

I can't say that I've sent an equally meaningful message to my own son up to this point. In fact, the message I'm sending is pretty much the opposite.

 

For instance, we have a lawn-service guy who cuts the grass and edges the yard for $35 every week or two. I hired him because I don't have the time on weekends, between writing and rehabbing an old house I bought with a friend. The amount of money I can make on those activities far surpasses what I pay the lawn guy to cut my grass.

 

Yet I'm beginning to see that the cost of hiring somebody to cut my grass goes beyond that $35. This is the first house we've owned -- and we've owned six -- where I haven't done the yard work. What my son sees is his mom and me paying someone else to do what we could do instead. So, I imagine he figures: "Why should I do what Mom and Dad won't?"

 

Traces of that come out when he's assigned a small chore. He gets bored quickly and begins to play, and soon drops the task all together. It isn't a priority for him because I haven't instilled in him that it should be a priority.

 

A couple of weeks ago, for example, I asked him to water some day lilies we had just planted. I watched him through the window: He spent about a minute on that duty, then began spraying an anthill, stirring up the ants and watching them busily try to preserve and rebuild their mound. When that lost his attention, he turned off the water, left the hose splayed across the yard and came inside to watch cartoons -- while the day lilies wilted in the heat.

 

I know I've got company here. Not only do I see it in the absence of kids cutting grass and raking leaves and shoveling snow, but I also hear it from friends I talk to. Lots of parents don't force their kids to do much work around the house. Why, though? Why do we let our kids shirk the same responsibilities we once had?

 

I can think of a few reasons...

 

* * *

 

Perhaps the key reason is that we live in an age that's more touchy-feely. Many parents -- and I concede that I am one of them -- are more lenient and less authoritarian than were our parents. When I was a child, my grandparents gave me a chore and they expected me to do it. Period. These days, Mom and Dad aren't so much setting the rules as they are negotiating with their kids. And kids learn to negotiate themselves out of tasks they don't want to be burdened with at the moment.

 

But that isn't the only reason. It's also a question of money: Many of us have more of it than our parents did when they were raising us. If we can hire somebody to cut the grass every two weeks for less money than we'd spend on one dinner out, why not?

 

Also, so many kids are overscheduled these days. They have soccer practice and tennis lessons and dance class. By the time they get home, there are barely enough hours for homework and dinner. Who has time to weed the garden?

 

And then there's guilt. More couples both work nowadays, often logging long hours. That leaves us anxious not to waste those precious hours we do have for our kids. Chores, we rationalize, are inconvenient when we could be doing something as a family.

 

So there are lots of reasons, many of them valid. But I'm convinced that none of them are good enough, and I'm going to change things around my house.

 

My son isn't quite old enough to push a lawnmower across the yard yet, but he is old enough to help me weed the many flower beds we have. He's also old enough to rake leaves in the fall, to help me change the oil in the cars and to help me wash the dishes at night -- all of which will soon be on his to-do list. I may decide to pay him a little something for a few of those chores, since some of them are beyond what I view as weekly obligations.

 

For the most part, though, I'll just pat him on the back and say, "Good job, buddy."

 

Email your comments to jeff.opdyke@wsj.com

 

-- July 01, 2005

[Fuzzy Bear]

My boys are too young to be given full responsibility to do most jobs right now or to be in Scouting. They do ask to help and when they ask it slows the progress. It makes me nervous and I get impatient. I try to include them on my projects but find it difficult because some make for safety hazards for them and myself. I still take them with me every opportunity. My oldest son copies things I do which is both funny and interesting. I try to show them that things are fun to do and that it doesn't take a long time to do most.

 

My wife is much better. We decided to live more economically, so she doesn't work outside the home. She keeps them and she has projects for them every day. They grow things, build things, and play. They sit in Church with us and are quiet. We tend to them even though it takes away from our friendships and reduces interaction with others. I talk to them about Scouting and hope that they will be interested once they reach that age.

 

I grew up in Scouting, sports, and Church. I also worked beginning in the Summer of my sixth grade year and forward. I worked with my Dad and my brother in our family business. It was hard hot dirty work that I did but never liked. I wasn't very good at it and knew that I would never do it as an adult. When I got old enough to leave it, I did. The thing that I didn't know was that my experience with them would later help me get a couple of jobs that propelled me forward into what I am doing today. I am amazed at how instrumental and critical that early experience was.

 

What do we want for our boys? We want them to be Scouts, to know right from wrong, to leave illegal drugs alone and to respect those that are legal. We want them to find joy in the things that they do in life and to achieve in and out of school to the point that it allows them to fulfill their dreams. We want them to help others, respect their God, and to tend to their own needs. We want them to learn love through being loved.

 

They will work with me in the shop and I will tell them about their Grandfather and about some of the tools that are now mine and how I learned to use them when I was their age. They will learn to use the mower, to rake leaves and make dirt from those leaves; we compost. They will learn to garden and eat fresh produce. We already eat fresh fruit and have few sugar snacks. They will learn the computer in spite of me but I hope to teach them conservation of their time and to balance it carefully.

As a youth, I was given jobs around the house also. I wasn't very good at them because I was not given a time limit or a specific time to complete the jobs. I would wait to the last minute which was a skill that never paid off. As an adult and since Woodbadge and having to give up a job I loved; we lost the funding, I have learned to plan more effectively and to get things done on time. I hope to impart those skills to my boys.

 

My boys are a priority and I am investing time in their future. I have a manifest of goals that I hope to achieve with them. Most of the goals are general because it involves them and their decisions as they grow. Some are specific so that they can learn skills that will always be useful. I really want to do my best from the depths of my heart. FB

[Beavah]

I'm not so hard on parents as the author of that column, eh?

 

I think it's a different world now. We've learned that it pays to specialize... that payin' a guy who's good at painting to paint your bedroom is more economically efficient and leads to a higher quality of life for both you and the painter. Chores are being outsourced, so that people can spend their time more productively on things they enjoy and are good at.

 

That's the real world that our kids are goin' to grow up in. And it's better than the one we grew up in.

 

I did my share of lawn mowin' back in the day. The fights I had with my parents over it damaged our relationship for years, and I have some residual hearin' loss from all the hours with that goldarned mower. The irony is that I would have worked ten times harder to help the family with other tasks I cared about and was good at. Did a great job wit all da carpentry for the paddock fencin'. But mowin' was my chore, eh? Supposed to teach character. Cow pies!

 

Dat doesn't mean kids should live self-indulgent video-headed lives either, eh? They should be expected to grow and explore and play and be kids and contribute according to their age, gifts, and interests to the family and community. Service, not chores. Love, not (just) obligation. Invest in that. Outsource da rest.

 

[fgoodwin]

I think Jeff's right -- parents today coddle their kids far too much, and I count myself guilty on that score.

 

Its more than just mowing the lawn -- that's just Jeff's most obvious example, but I can recall when I was a kid, I had to feed the dog & clean up after him, I had to vacuum the house before I could go out and play in the summertime and on weekends, I had to take out the trash, straighten the house, wash dishes, bring in the paper, etc., etc.

 

There was a ton of things I had to do back in the day that I don't ask my kids to do now. Kids today feel no obligation to help maintain the home & yard. They expect their parents to do it all, to give them whatever they need, then leave them the heck alone.

 

Heaven forbid I should ask them to fold their clothes or pick up their own rooms!

[evmori]

When my son was old enough to handle the power mower, he learned how to use it. So did my daughter. They also learned how to rake leaves, wash cars, clean their rooms, do the dishes, run the vacuum & a variety of other chores.

 

Kids are coddled today. They aren't expected to do anything they don't want to do. And that is doing them a great disservice as parents.

 

Ed Mori

Troop 1

1 Peter 4:10

[SueM]

I agree that there isn't the expectation of kids helping as much as there was in the past..and I'm as guilty as anyone. I have tried things like putting up a list of things that I'd like done, with a small stipend amount that I would pay for each item. It works great most of the time, but then it also kind of defeats the purpose of teaching the kids that they have a responsibility to help around the house WITHOUT the expectation of being paid for everything that they do.

 

One of the other issues that I think that we face today that we didn't as much in the past is Child Welfare issues...if we send our 8 year olds out there to learn how to mow the lawn and he gets hurt with the mower, there is the threat of being charged with child endangerment! I grew up on an old fashioned family farm and we did everything from an early age...and much of the stuff was working around dangerous machinery!! My dad also had laying hens and we did home egg delivery. Before I was in elementary school, I used to go with Dad to help when he did deliveries and I would be walking around various neighborhoods delivering eggs to houses on my own..I knew how to make change for a dollar when I was 5!! In the summer, we went door to door selling sweet corn..how many parents can risk allowing kids to go door to door to do ANYTHING these days, with the risks that there are now? We babysat our younger siblings while they were out doing field work..I started cooking the family meals when I was 10! We were not the "exception" either...this was how most people around us lived..I KNOW that today if we'd do those same things and the kids would get hurt..we'd be in jail in many cases!!

 

Gee..I'm beginning to sound like an old foggie!!

 

Sue M.

[starwolfmom]

This guy hasn't met my kids. My 3 boys (15, 13, 10) have chores. They feed the cats, clean the litter box, empty the trash, do laundry, set the table, dry dishes (when mom washes) pick up their rooms, haul groceries, rake leaves, babysit their little sister (age 3), and the oldest mows the lawn (the 13 year old will learn how this summer, as well, since the 15-year-old will be working at Cub Scout Day Camp and the NOAC service contingent). Even my 3 year old knows how to set the table and she helps me unload the dishwasher (of nonbreakable items).

 

They are not always happy about what they have to do, but they do it. They do not feel like I am a slave driver, because they see how much harder I work than they do (their dad is disabled with a back injury, so he can't really help much).

 

I have noticed, too, that my boys are the ones who leap to help a teacher who is carrying heavy boxes or to hold the door for an older couple at church. They know that things go more smoothly when everyone is contributing.

 

Elizabeth

[fgoodwin]

Elizabeth, sounds like you have a great bunch of kids, and I'm sure you're very proud of them.

 

Also sounds like you've done a great job as a parent raising them!

[anarchist]

Gosh...don't you know "work kills"!

 

Parents are just too soft... they avoid, at all costs, being the "bad guys", doing the less fun things. Perhaps trying to buy affection and assuage (sp?) guilt at not "being there for "X" or missing "Y"?

 

Out-sourcing? bull hockey, cow pies and horse apples!

Chores according to talent or interest? Better world? Current projections and statistics show that this coming generation may be the first in this nations history that doesn't have an automatic 'expectation' of exceeding their parents standard of living! Please, Beavah! No mas!

 

Both my boys hate work...both have done chores since they were tykes...starting with gathering sticks and picking up black walnuts in the yard (only those of you who have had a bunch of walnut trees in your yard know what I am talking about). And I really mean they started when they were VERY YOUNG...Both know that it (work) is a family obligation...and both are in heavy demand with friends and neighbors 'cause they know these boys can work!

 

And no, these guys are not saints, and getting them to 'get started' is always a "fight" but it is one that we parents must "win" if we are to instill the knowledge and character they need for the future. They all will not be able to simply "whip out" the checkbook when they have work that needs being done...many may have to make choices on what to do and what to pay for...some may have no choice but to do it themselves...

 

Sometimes I have been known to lay a rather large hammer on top of the X-Box with a note like;

 

"clean the barn" or "trim the yard with the weed wacker" -"failure is not an option"...dad." They generally get/got the message.

 

Interestingly, enough...oldest, now nearly 19 and doing the college thing and living with his "buds", offered to move back home to help me with the chores that a recent major medical event has forced me to "avoid"...(guess I didn't do so bad with him after all...)

 

Youngest, now 17, and I spend part of our Sunday afternoon "renovating" a toilet...changing out the "gutz" and clearing lime buildup in the porcelain siphon 'jet' and flush holes...not the prettiest of jobs!

 

As he read instuctions and did most of the work (with dad offering humorous suggestions)...he would leave something out of his "translation"...when I would bring it up, he would re-read the instructions and say..."What?, Thats right!, if you have the instructions memorized" -"Why don't you just do it???"

 

...And dear old dad would simply remind him ...if I 'did it'... he would never learn how to do it and one day he'd have to pay a plumber $200 bucks to replace his toilet with a $300 new toilet...and you can buy a lot of video games with $500!"

 

point, match, set! Male bonding over the porcelain! Almost as fine as a morning canoe trip...(well maybe that's a bit of a stretch...) but it was still good.

 

$0.02 worth

Anarchist

 

[Vicki]

I'll echo a couple of others - he hasn't been to my house. This is the second spring/summer that our almost-14 year old has been responsible for mowing the lawn. He also takes his turn w/his brother doing dishes and they're both responsible for their rooms and their laundry. Older son and I have a dog apiece - we both clean up after them. Younger son has a cat - he feeds him and does the kitty litter. They both help clean up the house when people are coming over. Setting the table and such are givens. My youngest often helps cook.

 

Do they do it all well? Nope. Is one better than the other? Absolutely. Willingness and standards are definitely an issue. It would be a lot more efficient if I still did all the laundry - I'm certain they wear "re-cycled" clothes to school every once in a while. And I really don't like finding the veggie peeler only after several minutes of searching. My folks tell me those were problems "back in the day" too:

[fgoodwin]

Vicki brings up a point I, as a parent, need to remind myself of.

 

Yes, "back in the day" I had chores to do, and I did them. But I didn't exactly relish the tasks, and I didn't exactly do them cheerfully. I rarely, if ever, got paid for them (altho the lawn mowing was indeed a business, after which followed paper throwing, and later helping my grandpa with his roofing business, for which I was paid literally slave wages!).

 

I was certainly no saint as a child, and I didn't mean to imply otherwise, yet its true that I did my share of chores around the house, certainly moreso than my kids do today.

 

 

[Hunt]

I think one element of this that should be recognized is that many kids today work much harder and longer doing schoolwork than we did. My kids (6th and 9th grades) have much more homework--and thus less leisure time--then I did. If you also consider things like music lessons and practicing to be "work," (and they certainly do), that's even more.

Now, I do think kids should contribute to the routine chores of the household, but many of them are, on the whole, working harder than we ever did (or at least, harder than I ever did).

[evmori]

Hunt,

That's nothing more than an excuse not a reason! The reason - parents today are afraid their kids won't "like" them! Tough! Kids need parents who are parents, not their friends! And your kids won't like you all the time.

 

Parenting by excuse isn't parenting.

 

Ed Mori

Troop 1

1 Peter 4:10

[Beavah]

Current projections and statistics show that this coming generation may be the first in this nations history that doesn't have an automatic 'expectation' of exceeding their parents standard of living!

 

Yah, that's because this coming generation's parents are the first one to saddle their children with an enormous national debt on top of an expectation that their children will support them with social security and medicare into their 90s. One kid today will support twice da number of old folks than we did, at 4 times the cost because of the increased medical costs and expectations for quality of life.

 

If they don't learn to be efficient workers instead of chore-doers, we're doomed.

 

And that's what we're naturally teachin' em. Kids these days are more dedicated musicians and athletes and scouts than they were. They have less time free-playin' around the neighborhood, which I think hurts. As Hunt points out, they're learnin' statistics in 6th grade that I didn't learn until college, and anyone who's seen the workouts for the youth "travel leagues" knows that soccer/swimming/hockey is a job.

 

It's all nice to get homey and quaint about chores good old days, back when ya didn't need a college degree to earn a livin' wage, and the American people weren't in the habit of votin' themselves largesse at their kids' expense. But times have changed.

[MaScout]

Yeah...that writer probably hasn't been in a LOT of homes or "types" of homes...maybe only judging from his own?

 

Over Easter break, my sons mowed about 4 acres of lawn, repaired a mile of 4-strand barbed wire fence, worked cattle for a full day, then tore out some landscaping and cleaned the barn. They were ready to go back to school! I have all sons. Trust me...they clean the toilets -- to MY standards! They aim a LOT straighter than kids who haven't learned that respect. (Incidentally, boys who visit & get it all over my walls -- they clean that up!)

 

My sons vacuum, take out the trash, do dishes, cook, wash & fold laundry, they can even iron... Do they like it? NO! Do I? NO! But they will be young adults living on their own. They need to learn survival skills. And they usually are cheerful about it. Probably because we aren't sitting on our duffs while making them do it.

 

We are a family unit -- a team. When Mom & Dad both work, they have to pitch in at home. There is nothing wrong in asking them to help. I work sporadically: I'm a substitute teacher, so generally work when I want. However, sometimes I long-term sub or take a temporary office position, so work on a daily basis. But when we put in long hours, they see that, and we often don't even have to ask...they look around & do what needs doing.

 

Initially, it took longer to teach them new skills than it would have to do it ourselves. But what would they have learned? They would be Nintendo-Potatoes. Besides...the faster we get the work done, the sooner we can go PLAY! Fish, camp, hike, ...