Father vs. Father-in-law tension....advice?

[speckledpig]

Hi all,

I'm here asking for advice regarding this situation:

 

A friend of mine here at the office has a son who just turned 11. I've been talking to him about getting his son into Cub Scouting. His son has interest, but the problem lies with his father-in-law. His FIL wants to do scouting with _him_, giving the reason that "your father does baseball with you, so you should do scouting with me".

 

My friend is willing to fight over this; he is basically willing to argue with this FIL over the scouting issue. He wants his son to do scouting with him, not with his FIL.

 

I'm not a parent, and I didn't come from a broken home, so I don't pretend to understand the situation. I instead have the boy's interest in mind. I believe that it would be best for the boy to enter scouting and benefit from the program, but I'm afraid that the program will be hindered by these two men arguing over who can "do" scouting with the boy.

 

Any advice for my friend?

 

Thanks,

David

[SR540Beaver]

I'm somewhat confused by your post. Do you mean father-in-law or step-father? The father-in-law would be the boy's grandfater. Why would the dad be concerned about the boy's grandfather wanting to be involved in something with him? There is no reason why both can't be involved. Scouting is family oriented. We had a Cub whose dad was a registered leader, but his grandfather never missed a campout with the boy and his dad.

 

One other point, at 11 years old, the boy would not be eligible for Cub Scouts. He needs to join a Boy Scout Troop.

[Its Me]

 

The dad and the boy's mom need to talk. The mom must speak to her father and state the reasons why the boy's dad is the one to do scouting with the child and not the father in law. Divorced or happily married it should not matter. Dad's have the first right of refusal.

 

 

[FScouter]

If the father says "no", that's it, end of story. Grandfathers have no rights beyond what the parents give them. The kid should not become a pawn in an argument between two adults.

[speckledpig]

Wow, I think I had my words all mixed up today.

 

Not father-in-law (mine is on my mind), _stepfather_.

 

And I meant _Boy Scouting_, not Cub. This Monday has not found me at my best...

 

Let me try to straighten out my story....sorry for the confusion:

 

The stepfather wants to "do" Boy Scouts with my friend's son. My friend wants to be the one involved. My friend wants the stepfather to have nothing to do with the son's Scouting involvement, even to the point that he would possibly prevent the boy from participating if he cannot be the one involved with his son's program.

 

A bit less confusing, I hope.

 

 

Regards,

David

[SR540Beaver]

Speck,

 

Thanks for clearing that up. I know every family is different, but I couldn't imagine a parent not wanting their son's grandfather being involved with them. I had a hunch you meant step-father. This problem is more common than you might think. In most cases (but not always) the child ends up with the mother after a divorce. He probably is living with his step-father and sees his dad a couple of week-ends a month. That all depends on who has custody and what the visitation rights are. Not all parent and step parents like each other. I've seen cases where they do get along and there would be no conflict with both being involved. I've seen other cases where fist fights would most likely occur. Did the step-father come up with the scouting idea and the dad is throwing a monkey wrench in the works or vice versa? Is the dad trying to prevent his son from having a meaningful relationship with his step-father? Will being invloved in baseball and scouts at the same time conflict with one another or would the two dad's pull the boy different directions with each activity? Is it fair to expect the step-dad to back out of any involvement with the boy at all?

[johndaigler]

The adults don't seem capable of getting together and talking it over. That's a shame because it's the only thing that will work to resolve the issue.

 

If the two adults can't see clear to cooperating in the boy's best interest, the poor kid is probably better off not getting in between, even if that means not Scouting.

 

There is probably a plan for visitation and sharing custody - won't that have an impact on the discussion? How about a similar sharing of participation in Scouting?

 

Where's the mom in this discussion, she's definitely going to have to be a participant in the plan, as well.

 

What does the boy want?

 

Maybe the grandfather is the right answer after all!!??

 

In the end, does the step-father have any real legal rights? I don't think so. And so, perhaps, the discussion needs to be between the father and the mother . . .

 

Is the father really willing to play all his strongest cards??? Scouting is only one aspect of the boy's life. He could win this battle and end up losing more...

 

I wish you all good luck!

 

jd

 

[acco40]

It should not be an either - or situation. Why not have both involved?

 

And FScouter, I've got news for you, many states have implemented and are considering granting grandparents certain rights with respect to their grandchildren. So, in some states grandparents do have rights not granted to them by their grandchildrens parents (who are usually not their offspring). Not that I necessarily agree with it, but ...

 

Example: If an unmarried child has resided with grandparents or great-grandparents for a period of 12 months or more and is subsequently removed from the home by the parents, the grandparents or great-grandparents may petition the court for partial custody or visitation or both. The best interests of the child will be considered and these rights will only be granted if the granting of the rights will not interfere with the parent-child relationship.

(This message has been edited by acco40)

[speckledpig]

I spoke at length with my friend yesterday. He says that he is very adamant about being involved in his son's scouting (if his son chooses to join). He told me that his son and his son's best friend are thinking about joining, and that he was worried that his son might be joining for the wrong reasons and, as a result, would not be committed. I tried to explain that there are few if any "good reasons" for a boy that age (11) to join scouting and that boys usually join because of a friend or a group of friends. Peer relationships are very important at that age and drive boys fairly strongly in their activities. The draw is a good program and outdoor activities....if a boy gets to go camping with his buddies once a month and is getting an exciting program in the meetings, he won't want to quit and miss out on all the fun.

 

My friend told me that the only reason that he stays in town is the chance to do things with his son. Otherwise, he'd move to a larger city such as Atlanta (for some reason he can't stand our "tiny" city).

 

His reasoning is easy to understand; he figures that he only has a few years left with his son before he is old enough to drive, then he'll "leave the nest" frequently in his own set of wheels with college following soon after. Again, I'm not a parent, so I can't really speak to that one way or the other.

 

He told me that he is going to speak with the boy's mother (his ex-wife) before speaking with the stepfather (see, I got the term correct that time). He doesn't know her stance on the issue and is curious of how she will affect the situation. I encouraged him to sit down with the stepfather and work out an acceptable arrangement. The stepfather works quite odd hours and would frequently be unavailable to attend meetings and outings.

 

My friend has custody of the boy every other weekend, but he lives just around the corner from his son's family. I'm sure that meetings wouldn't be a problem.

 

Developing...

 

David

[Hunt]

The adults have to work it out. In my son's pack, there was a situation somewhat like this, and the mom often didn't make the boy available when the dad thought he'd be at events. It was sad to see.

[scoutldr]

Agree. This is a family matter. It's a real shame when parents use their children as pawns in their petty squabbles. Unfortunately, there's nothing that Scouting can do for this young man, except to make him feel warmly welcome and loved when he does show up.

[ScoutNut]

One thing for these 2 warring Dads to keep in mind is that Boy Scouting is very different from Cub Scouting. In Boy Scouts the boy will be doing most things on his own. The dad, mom, or stepdad will not necessarialy be attending all meetings, campouts, etc. Even if one of the parents does go with on a camping trip, they will NOT be there as this boy's parent. They will be there as an Assistant Scoutmaster for the WHOLE Troop.

 

What happens if the troop this boy picks has plenty of adult help and does not need any volunteers? Will he not be allowed to join? These folks need to understand that Scouting is for the boys, all of the boys. It is not a dad & son play date. If one or both or all 3 of these adults volunteer their time with a Boy Scout Troop, they will be expected to work with the whole Troop, not just the one boy. They might not even end up working with their son on an ongoing basis.

 

If they are going to use this as a battleground with the boy in the middle, their son will loose big time. Which ever Boy Scout Troop they choose will also end up in the middle of this war with the rest of the boys in the Troop suffering too. If they can't settle this happily then please, keep the Scouting program out of it entirely.

 

Just my 2 cents.