Over-involved Dad

[scoutmaster52]

have a member of the cm act as a new parent guide. we let parents know up front that we have yet to loose a scout, have one die of exposure or starve. we always accept the help but the "adult leader" comes on the campout and the "parent" stays home.

[SuzieHawk]

Great comments from pizzarick. Kind, considerate actions toward a dad who obviously cares a great deal for his son and wants to help him as well as the troop. I commend him for handling that situation in such a delicate and professional manner. I would hope my son would have that same kindness as a man to deal with someone. My son and I are completely new to Scouting. (I'm looking for a Webelo pack for my younger son now.) I hope I'm not too overwhelming to his SM. He stays busy and I always offer to do anything I can to help. I'm with my son a lot, but I am very disciplinary with him and expect a lot out of him. All the Scout codes and beliefs are nothing new to him, really, as this is what he lives by in his daily life. I do stand back and make him do things on his own. He slept in a tent by himself on his first campout, and I quiz him on info and make him show me knots, etc. to make sure he is learning everything he is supposed to. I want to know HE CAN DO IT HIMSELF. But there are times when I gently step up and make a suggestion or say "you might try it this way, guys." He has an anxiety disorder that I have worked on with therapists help for several years, and he's doing really well. I coached him for 19 seasons in soccer. He played the least and was always put last for everything because I didn't want other kids or parents to feel like I was favoring my child. In hindsight it might have been overkill, really. I hope I can help him, his SM and the troop without overstepping any boundaries. Lord knows I'm trying to do the right thing, whatever that is.

[NeilLup]

From what I am reading, it seems not to be an Over-involved Dad as much as an over-clingy son.

 

Let me suggest a possible approach.

 

Have the Dad sign up as an Asst. Scoutmaster with the knowledge and consent of the son. Son will likely be proud, happy, etc. Father then explains that since he is now an ASM, he will need to treat all boys the same at meetings and campouts and that includes his son. When son comes to him, he says those magic words "Have you asked your patrol leader?" He keeps asking that as son comes back to him. Other adults look up the son and form relationship with son.

 

This requires, of course, that the father understands that there is a problem and wants to work on it.

 

It also represents a risk as it is a large bucket of cold water thrown on the son and on the relationship that he likes. He may say "I hate your being ASM and I want to quit Scouts now."

[GKlose]

My oldest just crossed over from Webelos in April, and I'm a new volunteer in his troop. So far, I have purposefully stayed away from his first couple of campouts, and will stay away from summer camp when he goes in a couple of weeks. Not only do I want him to build separate relationships with the adults and scouts of his troop, I also want them to discover his personality all on their own (however, when they went hiking in NH last month, I had warned a few of the adults that he is an extremely slow hiker -- they chose to dismiss that, but then told me when I got back that he was, gasp, an extremely slow hiker...uh, no kidding, guys). When I do start going on campouts, I will enjoy hearing stories about their discoveries.

 

So far, the only related conversations I've had with my new Tenderfoot is related to the fact that he's no longer a Cub Scout, and he doesn't get led around from achievement to achievement, and that he is entirely responsible for his own advancement. The only problem is that he doesn't have a whole lot of self-direction, so I'm torn about prodding him versus letting him figure it out on his own (which I know is the right thing to do).

 

[NeilLup]

Hello GKlose,

 

May I suggest that some mentoring, coaching, even nursemaiding is appropriate in encouraging and helping a Scout become a good Scout Hiker and Camper i.e. achieve First Class rank. After that, let them be on their own.

[Flip608]

It's hard to tell if dad 'needs' son or son 'needs' dad. Try to ascertain what SPL etc, thinks of son and son's interaction with other scouts, confirming all appears balanced. See if scout his doing his fair share, participating on team building exercises. A bias of involvement from this direction could coax the appropriate separation of son and dad.

" there is no way the scout would advance in rank if not for dad's involvement" (scoutndad)- the young leaders could fix this, but most moms and dads help with the homework.