A fussing and a fighting

[Eamonn]

We might all hope that in an organization such as ours, that the adults would all be able to get along and do what is is right and what is best for the youth we serve.

While I have been accused of living in some kind of rosy micro? Something or other??

For the most part I think we do a good job.

We have seen even here in the forum, where we really don't know each other that some people can push other peoples buttons.

Much as we may want to go on about living up to the Scout Law. I think we are all aware that however much we try, we are always going to come up short.

I like to think that I'm a nice guy, I like to think that I'm easy to get along with!

Still I know that there are Scouter's in the District that think I'm a real twit and a pain in the you know where.

I don't have and don't pretend to have all the answers about this. I do know that allowing personal feelings to get in the way of the task at hand is never a good thing.

Some ways we can avoid some of the fussing and fighting are:

1/ Be aware of how you are feeling.

We all have bad days. The days when nothing seems to go as we want. When these days come, little things that we might be able to ignore don't get ignored.

We each have ownership of our feelings.

We might not be able to change the way we feel, but if we know and are aware of them we can at least sometimes avoid making things worse.

2/ When a situation does come up that needs to be dealt with.

Don't use history. Deal with the situation!

I was talking with HWMBO the other day and she brought up something that I'd said 25 years ago! This did nothing to solve what we were dealing with today.

Saying things like "You always.." Or bringing up past sins do little to help with what is happening today.

3/ Being right is good.

I have felt like a real twit when I have got up on my high horse and made a fuss about something only to find out later that I was wrong.

Checking things out and getting the facts straight is a good thing to do.

If you really don't know? Don't try and bluff your way out! Most times the bluff will come back and bite you on the tail.

It pays to check out the information and where that information comes from! Be sure that people will go back and want to see and check this stuff out for themselves.

If you are going to claim that a national study has said such and such, tell the person or people which study and where to find it.

Be very careful about finding something that someone has put on the web. Just because it's on the web, doesn't make it right.

While being right is a good thing. Being right and then rubbing someone's nose in it, is not good.

4/ Remember that things change.

All to often I have heard that a Troop never does or always does! This just isn't true! Troops change, leaders come and go, Scouts come and go.

Just because a Lad stuck an ax in a tree in 1940 doesn't mean that every Scout from that Troop will do the came thing sixty years later.

5/ Avoid Gossip and try and avoid rumors.

Talking about people behind their back, is just plain wrong.

Avoiding rumors can be tough. It seems that in every District there are a few people who seem to think that they have the inside track. I'm not sure but it seems that they think knowing or thinking that they know before everyone else gives them some sort of power.

6/ Where's the Beef?

If there is a problem with someone deal with that person.

7/Time can be a killer!

Dealing with a conflict before it has time to fester and grow is always best.

8/Find and look for the right time and place.

Calling out anyone in front of youth members is never a good idea. Most (Not all) problems are better when they are dealt with face to face in the right place at the right time.

9/ If there is a problem? Fix the problem.

All to often we spend more time trying to point the finger or blame than we do fixing what is wrong.

10/Let it go!

If you have asked someone or some committee to deal with something, let them deal with it, accept the outcome and move on.

11/ Don't make threats!

Threatening to quit or resign and not leaving makes you look silly. Idle threats only serve to cloud the real issues.

 

Please feel free to add or disagree with the list.

Eamonn.

[ntrog8r]

THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF TRYPE I'D EXPECT TO READ IN A POST FROM YOU!!!!!!!!

 

Ok, sorry, just kidding. I thought I was on the "Courtsey and Civility thread for minute there. Thanks for your insight and adding something positive to th discussion boards that we can all think of from time to time. I have to say though, that since joining in on this forum I have been very impressed that MOST people almost ALL of the time are pretty courteous to one another. That's one of the things I like about this group.

 

Thanks to all of you who make this a fun, informative and courteous and kind place to interact!

[skeptic]

Amen! Thank you for the reminder epistle. I find most of your "advice" posts to be very insightful and to the point. It is great to have such a generally calm, sage voice here on the board.

 

YIS

[BadenP]

Eamonn,

Yeah everyone could be so civil all the time, but that would make it a very dull forum and people would drop out like flies. Check out macscouters forum sometime it is always the same four people and when someone new comes in these same four pounch on them, they have no where near the participation this forum does. Here I think people enjoy strongly discussing the topics in the issues and politics section and no one takes anyone else too seriously. After all there is only so much discussion you can do on topics like scout badges, cub scout derbies, and dutch oven receipes, lol.

[Eamonn]

BadenP,

I agree that some of the other forums are ... Shall we say maybe "Over Moderated"?

My point here wasn't so much about the forum, but what goes on in our Districts.

I get really upset when I hear things like "Oh! That's Troop 666, they always ..."

Kinda like the guy selling an antique ax, which has only had three new heads and four new handles.

Disagreements and conflicts are a fact of life, but we do a better job of doing what we are trying to do if we can get past them and the best way to get past them is to deal with them the right way.

"Clubiness" was brought up in another thread.

I do think that we are all a little guilty of this.

If I have something that needs done, it's a lot less work for me to ask someone that I know can and will deliver, than risking asking someone that I don't know and maybe might need to train to do the job. Of course having someone else that I can add to my list of people that can get things done, in the long run is a better way to go.

Back when I was selecting a Staff for WB. A lot of people wanted to serve on the staff.

We have one Troop in the District, that has for some reason always been on the "Outside".

It was a catch 22 situation. No one ever asked them to really get involved, so they didn't get involved, the powers that be?? Moaned and complained that these guys never did anything so they never asked and so on and so on.

The SM was a super nice guy. He had all the skills and know how that was needed. If he had a fault it was having a very controlling wife. She wore a lot of hats, COR, Committee Chair, ASM, Assistant Cubmaster.

This Lady had over the years got a reputation for being very vocal and at times very emotional. While no one ever said it out loud, I think many of us (Me anyway!!) Tried really hard to avoid her and have as little dealings with her as possible.

I got a lot of not so nice comments when I asked this SM to be a Troop Guide.

He did a great job. The other Staff members got to know him and seen his strengths and his weaknesses, but they were willing to give him a chance. Something that just wasn't happening at the District and Council level.

Sadly him and his wife split (Maybe not so sad for him?) He gave up being SM and went on to serve on the District Advancement Committee.

Not a bad result for a guy who was known for hating the District.

Eamonn.

 

 

[ScoutMomSD]

This is a good mix of folks I know have good insight.

 

I am getting ready to pretty much fully divest myself of our pack. I just posted the gory details in another thread of mine you can find.

 

The term I find interesting is this:

"This Lady had over the years got a reputation for being very vocal and at times very emotional. While no one ever said it out loud, I think many of us (Me anyway!!) Tried really hard to avoid her and have as little dealings with her as possible."

 

I guess this is me (not actually but my personality). Having worked years in a corporate position where my boss literally told me "I dont WANT you to have friends in your job (CFO)" I think a part of that still stays with me.

 

I turned 50 this year but have 2 kids - the cub age 8 and a daughter age 13. So I have had a lot of life experiences that, lets be honest, folks in their 30's havent had. And we have experienced a lot more loss, of parents, siblings, etc as you do when you age.

 

How that translates is I am just at a point where I cant tolerate folks who dont practice what they preach. I have seen this alot in the pack. Christian values - not exactly.

 

I also cant tolerate martyrdom. With this years popcorn sales, several of the moms have complained to myself and many I know that they have basically not been able to do anything other than popcorn as the rest of the unwashed masses arent pulling their weight. The word they dont know is NO. Or "I need help". Or "can you give me some ideas".

 

This summer I also had a great experience of being a volunteer at a girl scout camp where my daughter was a youth leader. I was the leader for the male siblings, ie Cub Scout age - a group of 9 boys ages 6 to 8. At the end, I asked my son if he had to pick Cub Scout Day Camp or this camp, and he said "this camp, it rocks".

 

Why? women are more likely to offer help. I was told again and again to ask if I needed anything. It was a very nuturing situation and the boys and girls felt it.

 

So I am now going to be pretty much backing out of a group I gave a lot of time and money to and doing more and helping with the group that is more of a true family - my daughters cadette troop. Their goal is to go to England in high school together. A very challenging yet great goal.

 

90% of the Cub/boy scouting goals and projects I absolutely love. And our CM and CC are incredible folks. But now with the pack around 60 boys (from 3 to 5 starting a mere 5 ish years ago) the "cracks" are showing.

 

To the folks on this board, while I have vehemently disagreed a lot, I got a lot of perspective and will still provide input. But as to being active with our pack, I am done.

 

 

[Eamonn]

ScoutMomSD,

When I posted "Be aware of how you are feeling".

I maybe should have? Could have? Posted; and where you are at.

I think that many of us go through stages.

When we first get involved as an adult, we are a little frightened. However the enthusiasm's we have and the feeling of wanting to do a good job help us get over or maybe mask this.

After a while we fall into some sort of a routine.

Back when I was a SM, I kept a log of each and every Troop meeting. Along with a little note about how I felt that meeting had gone. Looking at these logs now, I see a lot of notes that read "Not bad" a few that read "Great" and a couple that read "Get me out of here".

When I think back about the times when I wrote "Get me out of here". It seems that the meeting was that very different than most of the other meetings. Hey! After 11 years it's hard to come up with new and original stuff.

I now think that my "Get me out of here" notes were really true. I really should have given more thought to getting away from what I was doing.

I didn't go because I knew that there wasn't really anyone waiting in the wings to replace me.

As far as I know. I have never suffered from bouts of depression or mental illness. But while looking at these notes now, they seem almost funny! At that time, they were anything but funny.

Both the English and the American Scout promise and oath have the "Do my best" included in them. My problem was that at least when I wrote "Get me out of here". I thought I'd given my best and was heading the only way left. - Down-hill!

 

Doing your best and giving your best isn't always easy.

I know that it took me a long time to become happy with the job I was doing as a SM. I seen as I waddled along mistakes I was making, things that I'd got wrong or not understood. When I was totally honest with myself, I was able to see some of my failings.

While of course having this knowledge should have acted as some kind of a wake up call. Some kind of a "Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again"! A lot of the time it didn't! In fact it resulted in me noting "Get me out of here".

Maybe? It is better for everyone, especially for you that you do take a break.

What happens next? I don't think we ever really know.

It might be that your service to the BSA is done? It might be that you come back in a limited capacity? Or it might be that after a little while away you return, recharged and full of wonderful new ideas.

It might be way to easy to blame others and point fingers?

Maybe when you look at everything that is going on, not just in Scouting, the truth is that you have bitten off more than you can chew? Being a parent, a homemaker, involved in all the things that you are involved in, is a lot!

In time everything changes.

Sometimes knowing when it's time to make a change, helps avoid a lot of fussing and fighting.

Eamonn.

 

[ScoutMomSD]

thanks Eammon! I have talked to some folks who are close to me and in the pack and realize that its a deeper issue than I first thought.

 

I have done my share and now its time to pass the torch. You are so correct about that.

 

Sometimes you have to be hit over the head with problems to realize some things cant be solved and fresh blood needs to look at it.

 

And my daughter's troop and her friends are at an age where their issues are much more complex so they actually need me more at this point. Being there for teens I can see is so critical. This is when we can most impact them and their future.

 

again I so appreciate the input!