Conflicted

[oldisnewagain1]

Let me start off by saying that this topic has probably talked about before but I am really struggling with this so I am looking for some words of wisdom. I have been involved with Scouts for most of my life and have served in many capacities including as a Scoutmaster in my younger days.

 

Recently I have been asked to take over my son's troop (Im currently the ASM) by both the outgoing SM and the CC. Both think I would do a great job at it and tell me I am their first choice.

 

BUT I am wrestling with the thoughts of having my daughter feeling left out because taking on the job of SM may involve even more time. Yes, I know there is Girl Scouts and she is involved with an active troop but it just isnt the same as Boy Scouts in her mind. (She cant wait to be 14 so she could become a Venture Scout.)

 

My wife has concerns over the time factor (spending more time with scouts then her). I know, if a boy lead troop and a good committee is in place, there shouldnt be an enormous time commitment increase as opposed to being a ASM. (Insert reality check here.)

 

So to make a long post short (too late)

 

Whats a good father, husband, and lifelong Scout to do?

 

 

[gsdad]

If your wife is concerned with it taking too much family time, and you're concerned with it taking time away from your daughter, maybe you should graciously decline. Continue to serve as an ASM and support the new SM. As important as Scouting may be, family comes first. Happy wife, happy life.(This message has been edited by gsdad)

[packsaddle]

Yes, I agree. Decline. The time investment will increase and your daughter needs a good supportive father, one that she knows is there for her when she needs him. Mom will be happier too and that really makes this a no-brainer. Stay as ASM.

[eisely]

Good advice gsdad. I have not always done everything in scouting that I would like to do for precisely the same reason. I have not seen the term used in these fora, but one used to hear of "scouting widows," referring to wives who were neglected in favor of scouting. Some wives are OK with that, but if there is any doubt, err on the side of your spouse and family. You don't want your "scouting widow" to become a "scouting divorcee."

[EagleBeaver]

It sure sounds to me like you're the perfect candidate - experienced, son in troop, well-known, conflicted, but not completely adverse to taking on the position.

 

Maybe you could make a commitment to be SM until your daughter is 14, then become a Crew Advisor for her. That might be something for her to look forward to. If your son and daughter were both 14-21, they might both be in the crew with you. If your wife likes adventure, she could be involved and no one is left out. :-)

 

Scout On

[Beavah]

Yah, welcome to da forums oldisnewagain1! And a big Thank You for your long-term commitment to Scouting.

 

Like the others, I think it's a no-go. If your Mrs. is expressin' concern and you're feeling uncomfortable about missin' important time with your daughter, I think yeh have your answer. Unless the CO is willing to run a pilot coed program .

 

No matter how great yeh feel the committee and other ASMs are, it's always goin' to be more work and more time than you predict. That's the nature of all children and all programs that we love, eh?

 

Beavah

 

[lrsap]

This is similar to something I posted on another thread, but it applies here.

 

Scouting is a program that is meant to strengthen the family. If not, there wouldn't be the achievements (Various Heritages and Family Member types) involved. If you have a little voice inside telling you it doesn't seem right, that it would be choosing Scouting OVER family, listen to the little voice. (OK, maybe not thoooose little voices inside ).

 

Another thought would be about the Scouts themselves. It may not be fair to them to have an SM that feels guilty for being there.

[Eagle92]

As Obi-wan Kenobi, "trust your feelings Luke." while Scouting is the greatest youth program in the world, if it affects your family, it's not worth it. And trust me, you can get so over involved that your marriage suffers: my wife threatened to divorce me less than 4 months into the marriage b/c of scouting. but that's a different story for another day

[nolesrule]

While there is always a need for someone to step up to the plate and volunteer for scouting, there are many reasons for someone to be apprehensive. Not all reasons are equal. The fear of not being good enough is something that can be overcome, but the fear of having a negative impact on your family is not something you'll be able to push past. Family should come first. My suggestion, which merely echoes what everyone else has said, is to politely decline.

 

For the last few years, I've been serving as a commissioner. My wife is pregnant with our second child (first is daddy's little girl) and due in a few months. I already told our District Commissioner that if it's a boy, I'll resigning to become a cub dad (and probably den leader) as soon as he's old enough. But I have no plans to over-extend myself away from my family for Scouting.

 

 

You know, I'd never really thought about it before, but I just realized that all the scoutmasters I've ever been directly associated with as a scout, scouter or UC had no daughters.

[mac3mpc]

I learned early on when my oldest on was just a tiger cub (he's now 19 and aged out), that I either needed to get involved or lose my husband and son to scouting. Mind you this realization came when I had just given birth to our second son, my husband brought the two of us home from the hospital, deposited us on the doorstep and immediately took son #1 off to a popcorn show and sell.

 

Since that time, I've helped with den activities, been advancement chair for the pack for years (even for 2 years when I didn't have a son in the pack because I knew I had another one coming in), been on the pack committee, the troop committee and I'm now the troop committee chairperson.

 

Mind you we also have two daughters. So while all this was going on, I was also involved with the girl scouts so that they would have the opportunity for a great program. (My troops were and are outdoor/ camping type troops, not artsy-craftsy, cut and paste.) I have been the cookie mom and the leader for both my oldest daughter, who received both her Silver and Gold award, and now my youngest daughter, 10. We've done volunteer work, traveled, camped, and experienced all sorts of things that they would have never had the opportunity to do outside of scouting.

 

Her troop happens to meet on the same night as the boy scout troop.(Coincidence? I think not.) My co-leader's son is also in the boy scout troop, so we've started calling the girls the little sister troop. They've come down and been taught things by the boys such as how to make monkey bread and on a family camp out, how to make a fire safely and properly, what poison ivy looks like in the spring, etc. Sure, I could have taught them, but it breaks things up to have someone different show them once in a while and the girls do admire the boys and what they do. My daughter can't wait to be 14 for the Venture Crew. 4 years......

 

What I'm trying to say is by getting the girls and the wives involved you can have a true family experience in scouting. It doesn't have to be us and them. They don't have to be scout widows. Yes, there is a huge time commitment, but in the end time spent with the family while the kids are young is so very worth it. I look back on the time I spent with my two older kids when they were in scouts as some of the best moments in time. I was never a girl scout myself, but I don't regret getting involved as an adult. Not for a moment.

 

Sorry for being so long winded.

[mac3mpc]

Sorry for the double post.

 

You didn't mention how old your son was. Will he be with the troop for a while? Will this be a long term commitment for you?

 

Or is he an older boy who might be a couple of years from aging out?

 

That might be something for you to take into consideration.

 

I know we've had SM step in for 1 or 2 years until their sons have aged out and then step down. Then another ASM would step in to take over.

 

My husband is currently an ASM, but we know he is the "heir apparent" for the SM position when the current SM's son ages out in a couple of years. Someone else may end up doing stepping in, but right now it looks like he will be it. Our son is only 12, so we'll be around for a while.

 

Bottom line, you need to do what's best for you and your family. If it's going to cause too much stress on your home life, you should decline the position. You need to think about your family first and then the boys.

 

Good luck with making this tough decision.

[oldisnewagain1]

Thank you all for all your wisdom.

 

There is one additional bit of information that I thought I would pass on. I have spoke to our CC and told her I am having reservations because of family. She has in turn approached the other ASMs and no one wants the job. One way or another our troop will survive.

 

mac3mpc: To answer some of your questions my son just turned 13 and my daughter is 9.

Her GS troop does camp (kind of)but my wife does not get involved with the GS troop (and that is more a personal choice based on the other moms). I am somewhat involved but can only go so far being a male.

 

Eagle92: It is hard to trust my feelings here because they are so conflicted but I am also reminded of something Yoda said "Once you start down the (Scout) path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will..."

 

The CC has called a meeting of all the leaders and parents so before I make any decisions, together with my wife, I want to hear how things could progress. Perhaps there could indeed be some kind of assigned responsibilities that could take the pressure off being a SM.

[Crew21_Adv]

oldisnewagain1,

 

Greetings!

 

Your younger daughter deserves the best, correct?

Then, does your son deserve the second best???

 

Scouting Forever and Venture On!

Crew21 Adv

[Hal_Crawford]

I faced a similar dilemma when I was the only one even remotely willing to step up as Cubmaster. Previous CM had been retired and did it all... not committee involvement. I did not have that kind of time. Having a brief hostage situation (Meet my demands or the Pack gets it) I said that the only way that I would take the position was if there was an active pack committee to share the load. A great organizer stepped forward to be CC and we kept the pack going for a year and handed it over to others when our sons crossed over.

 

I may have the same challenge again. SM is making mumbling noises of stepping down and no one else is interested in taking over. Though son is grown and there are no others, the Boss really does not want to share more of me with scouts. If I agree to do it I will have to ask for LOTS of support from committee and ASMs. If you go that route (and I am not saying you should) start looking for/grooming a potential replacement right away so you have an exit strategy if needed.

 

Good luck,

Hal

[Crossramwedge]

Our troop has gone through similiar scenerios. SM steps down and no one wants the SM position. It has happened twice in the past 3 years. How we essentially handled for a little while it was a SM in name only. The "appointed" SM does go through the training and is registered as SM but the troop is ran on a shared responsibility basis. We got together and discussed situations. The boys essentially ran the program. Is this the best way to run a troop NO. Can it work under certian circumstances ? Yes, it can. For how long? Who knows. We now have a committed SM, but a lot of the work is still being handled by ASM's, CC, and other adult leaders.

 

One of the former SM Stepped down because his job and his SM position where interferring in his family life. He had to give up Scouting completely. You need to take care of your family. If takeing on the SM position will cause dissension between you and your wife then do not take the poaition. Its not worth it. Family first. Good Luck.