NEED ADVICE ON SPECIAL SITUATION!!!!!

[Eagle92]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I need advice to pass along to a friend. One of his scouts, attempted suicide. Fortunately he survived, and will be coming back to the troop next week. Only folks who know are 3 leaders in the unit, and myself.

 

Background on the scout. He's what would be called a "super scout" in my old troop in that he eats, breaths, and loves scouting. It is literally his life. There are some challenges at home in that his mom recently remarried and had a baby. Dad is not in the picture. When his grades started falling, mom pulled him out of the troop. He called his SM informing him of his mom's decision, and within 30 minutes of the call, slit his wrists.

 

I've given the SM some advice, but want others' opinions in case I overlooked something. Thanks in advance.

[GernBlansten]

Wow. We didn't have the same type of event but maybe somewhat related. Here's how we handled it.

 

In our unit, a first year scout's dad was killed in an avalanche at Christmas. He was an off duty firefighter who went to the aid of another snowmobiler and both were killed. The community closed ranks around the family and so did our unit. We let the family know that we would do whatever was necessary to help the scout. Understandably, he didn't attend meetings for a few weeks. He had several school friends in the unit and they talked to him at school and relayed his wishes to our other scouts at the meetings. It was clear, that the scout didn't want anyone to talk about his dad and just be a scout again. This came from his friends, not adults. The boys took it upon themselves to make sure this scout's account had enough funds for him to go to summer camp. Each gave up money from their own accounts. This was scout driven, us adults just sat in awe that they did it. He has enough in his account now for two years of scouting. When the scout finally started to attend again, they respected his wishes and just treated him like any other scout. We just stood back and let it happen, very proud of our boys.

 

My suggestion is to let the scouts deal with this themselves. Don't make a big deal about it. You might be surprised on how well they do it.

[TheScout]

Wow. I don't know what to say. I am sure someone more wise than me will have something to say.

 

I assure you I will keep that scout in my prayers tonight.

[Backwoods]

Wow, what a hard serious struggle to undertake as someone who obviously cares deeply about youth. What a horrible and desperate feeling for the lad to feel he only had one choice. I would advise a few key things, these things coming from my training as a psychologist and (previously) a crisis hotline director:

1) Talk clearly and openly about your concern about him with both he and his parent.

2) Elicit a "safety contract" from him. He must promise out loud that if he feels that hopeless again he will call you, or his counselor, or his mother and let them know.

3) Make sure he is in treatment, not just taking pills from the local doctor.

4) Help him come up with a plan to keep up his grades and still be the super-scout he enjoys being.

5) keep an eye on him, suicides often occur when people appear to be getting better (the end is in sight phenomenon)

6) Make sure you share the above burden with your other leaders and, if possible, school staff.

 

We are often concerned that paying too much attention to the problem, or blowing it out of proportion will foster negative, dramatic, behavior. We also worry that the child is blowing their own problems out of proportion, and we fear encouraging them. Know this: in these cases it is absolutely OK to err on the side of overprotection, consider the alternative.

 

I too will have you all in my prayers. Feel free to contact me off-thread if you have any questions for me.

[Backwoods]

By the way, the above advice was directed toward your friend, or anyone who is dealing with a similar situation.

[John-in-KC]

SM and other Troop leadership should have single consistent message: We love you, we care for you, we will provide our all for you.

 

THEN!!!! Contact your Council. Somewhere in one of the units, I'll bet bottom dollar, is a psychologist or psychiatrist.

 

The young man needs professional counseling: Emotional and spiritual. Yes, he needs mentors and role models who stand by him, but this is clinical stuff.

 

Help him help himself back onto the road to success.

 

My prayers are with him.

[Trevorum]

I'm very glad the Scout is doing better. Suicide is the leading cause of death among American teenagers.. As we work with youth, we all need to keep that in mind.

 

I suspect that the trouble at home is far deeper than you unit leaders imagine. In fact, this sounds very much like an attempt to assert control in a situation where the boy felt completely powerless. If that is true, there may be little danger to the youth or to others while he is engaged in Scouting - in fact it sounds like Scouting may be the only place in his life where he feels he has any control at all.

 

If the event is not common knowledge, I would recommend welcoming him back just like you would any other prodigal son. And then go on with the program. If it hasn't happened already, the SM needs to have a chat with the mom. Face-to-face, not a call.

 

I wish success to the Scout, his family, and his troop.

[Narraticong]

I hope everyone will take the time to read the second paragraph of the original post very carefully. Then read it again. Then print it and put it in your wallet.

 

These few words speak to the heart of what Scouting is all about. This boy was obviously struggling with his home life. Scouting was providing him with the stability he did not have at home. Probably some good male role models. Probably some close friends who love him as he is. Probably some activities which take him away from an unhappy home life. Probably some leadership and advancement opportunities which help him see his self-value.

 

As leaders, we need to be aware of just what Scouting can mean to our boys. And what we mean to the boys. We may be the best role model they have. It's a big responsibility. But it is also a wonderful privilege we have been granted.

 

Every time I see a story like this I think of one of Norman Rockwell's great Scout paintings. It's called "The Scoutmaster". I'm sure most of you other "seasoned Scouters" (old guys) remember that picture. It's the one with the Scoutmaster standing alone, late at night, outside a row of tents filled with sleeping scouts. That painting expresses perfectly what responsibilities we Scout leaders carry.

 

Every time you do a Scoutmasters Conference, take the time to let the boy know that you care about him. A friendly hug, a pat on the back, a sincere smile, a heartfelt "good job", may just help save a life.

[Ohio_Scouter]

Eagle92,

 

All the above is very good advice. May I also suggest that some of his scout buddies, ASMs, and/or SM offer to help him with his schoolwork so that his grades improve and help him get back to normal both in school and in the troop.

[Kudu]

The problem here is the mother.

 

Your friend better have that base covered.

[FScouter]

"The young man needs professional counseling"

 

No not really. Consider the opening post: "There are some challenges at home in that his mom recently remarried and had a baby."

 

The kid's mom and dad screwed up big time. They destroyed his family with divorce. Then mom finds a new guy and starts a new family, selfishly looking after her own personal love interest at the expense of her son. Where does that leave Junior? He feels like he's been ditched, and he has been.

 

Then she compounds things by punishing him. It doesn't look good for this kid.

Frank

 

 

[Lisabob]

Boy you guys are rough. Without knowing more than a couple of lines you decide you know enough about this kid's family to assign blame. Whether you like it or not, divorce and blended families have been a reality for a long time. You have absolutely no idea why the divorce happened. Nor do you seem to have any concern that the boy's dad isn't around - which could be just as much his fault as the mother's, or it could be better for all involved, depending on what "dad" is like and what the background is (abuse? drugs? we certainly don't know). No, based on practically no information, you instead decide to blame the mother for all of this. Sheesh. You should be ashamed. I sure hope you don't live in glass houses.

 

Bottom line is that any person who attempts to harm themselves, needs help. Such attempts are often a desperate cry for that help. Whether there are other issues and who is to blame is irrelevant. The question is how his scouting "family" can be helpful and supportive of him during a difficult time in his life.

 

I pray that nothing like this ever happens to my son. I think every parent would agree that this is one of those "worst nightmare" types of what-if scenarios. But if he was having thoughts along those lines or, heaven forbid, if he ever acted on such thoughts, I would be extremely grateful for loving, kind, quiet, gentle support from those in scouting whom he looks up to. And, I think, so would he. Just knowing that there are people who care can make a huge difference. Arrogant finger pointing based on no information serves no one.

[Beavah]

Yah, I agree. Scoutin' is this boy's safe haven. Let it keep bein' that for him. Don't make a big deal out of this. Let him return to his scouting life with as little disruption as possible.

 

And a leader, quietly on the side should say "Billy, I'm glad you're here. You're one of our best guys, and are more valuable to us and the world than you'll ever know. Anytime you need me, you call, I'll be there. I never, ever want you to hurt yourself."

 

I think, especially if no one else has done it, it's important to sit with the boy's close buddies in the troop who know what happened and give 'em some time to process and some counselin' on how to deal with it. Before he gets back. If yeh listen, you'll be surprised how much they know. Let 'em know it's OK to talk about it with Billy, let 'em know that just bein' his friend will help. Most of all, empower them. Give 'em some strategies on dealin' with such feelings themselves or gettin' help for friends. Yeh might save some other kid's life that way. He's not goin' to be the last peer they see in the dumps.

 

Been through a bunch of suicide attempts with teens and scouts. A couple that made it past attempts, which still bring tears to my eyes and aches to my heart. It's OK to talk about it with the boy and with others. It's the conversations which aren't happenin' which make a lad feel trapped. At some point he's goin' to share with his buddies. That's a good thing. Encourage it, give it space. That's why yeh gave those lads some prep in the previous paragraph.

 

And yep, there's goin' to be more goin' on at home (and perhaps school) than meets the eye. Accept that as gospel. Be available and non-judgmental if he wants to open up about those issues at some point.

 

Professional help can help, but only a bit. Strangers like docs and counselors are still strangers, eh? They're on the periphery of our lives. Drugs can buy yeh a window to get over a rough patch, but aren't a cure so much as a holding pattern for this kind of teen thing.

 

And watch out for 3, 6, 9 months down the line, eh? Right after an attempt, a lot of support flows in. But it tapers off after a bit. Mark your calendar now to do somethin' special to reach out to the lad in 3 months, and 6 months, and 9 months, and a year. Do it even if yeh think things are goin' fine.

 

Don't worry about screwin' up, yeh can't. What you do or say doesn't really matter. What matters is that you reach out and that you love the lad. He's goin' to hear that message no matter how you stumble and bumble.

 

The Great Scoutmaster calls us as Scout leaders for a reason, eh? Bein' there for lads really matters.

 

Beavah

 

[Eagle92]

Thanks for all the input. Again I have limited info as I am not affiliated with the unit. But some additional things I should have mentioned.

 

1) While the scout said it would be OK to tell everyone, the leaders thought it best that if he wants people to know, then he tell them. It's a privacy issue with the leaders. All the scouts know is that he had some school issues and wasn't participating until rectified.

 

2) The scout was a patrol leader in the troop. Since he was inactive the APL took over and I believe new elections occurred while he was gone. He knows he won't go back to being a PL as before and is ok with that, but I did advise the SM to talk to the SPl to appoint him to another vacant leadership role, i.e. quartermaster, librarian, etc. This is so that 1) the scout knows the unit does respect him and trust him, especially since he was doing a super job i'm told, and 2) he does need a POR for Star.

 

3)I advised a meeting with the mom and/or stepdad. The SM and leaders need to know what is going on and how best to help the young man. Especially since the troop does alot of work with wood tools and conservation work at one of the local parks. That was a big concern with the SM

 

4) I advised a Sm conference with the scout.

 

5) I sadvised the SM to challenge the boy academically by earning Scholarship MB, and see if scouts form the troop can help him out. this would help him out in school and in Scouting. I think this would also be a big moral booster for him, and show mom scouts do care about school. Thinking about it, maybe reading MB would be another good one. From what I've seen and heard, the scout already has very good outdoor skills.

 

6) I also advised having a steady buddy or buddies to keep an eye out on trips. That's kinda of a challenge in my opinion as the troop is a young troop with most only one scout over 13. The scout in question WAS one of the role models for the rest.

 

7) In reference to the family. I do not know how long the parents have been divorced, but he is the oldest child in the family. SM thinks that he does shoulder some adult responsibilities at home. Sm stated that whenever they are finished scout work, he's always ready and eager for game time. between what I have seen of the young man and this statement, i think that Scouting is his only fun time.

 

Again good advise and thank you. Please keep it coming and keep him in your prayers.

 

Eagle 92

[Buffalo Skipper]

Eagle 92,

It seems to me that you gave some good advice and that is reassuring.

 

Twice, I was "close" to attempted suicides in a troop environment, but those incidents were long ago. One was when I was a scout (and I was not supposed to know about it) and the other was when I was a 19yo ASM, and that was mostly handled by those higher than me. I will say that one of these incidents was the direct result of a scout's not being allowed to be participate in troop activities as a punishment.

 

The main advice I can give is that this is obviously a family issue. When you said: "...i think that Scouting is his only fun time," I think that sums up what is really going on here. Decisions as to counseling and such are the family's responsiblity. I do, however, agree that the SM needs to meet with the family to become familiar with what is happening, but he must support the family's decisions on this matter; if his advice is welcomed, all the better. The troop must, of course, be there to support this scout.

 

As I can relate to this situation from decades old personal experience, I will keep that scout, his family and the troop in my prayers.