Hover mothers: whats the solution?

[kraut-60]

After reading Anonomyous' post on the ruining of a troop thanks to the hover-mothers banding together, I thought " how does a troop defend itself against the detrimental effects of the hover-mom?"

 

I've only encountered a couple so far...one packed her sons pack for his first summer camp...Yes, there were 7 pairs of everything except shoes...only 3 pair...the scout spent the whole week in his swimming suit. This scout now tells all the new scouts to pack their own pack, while his mom is in the back of the room...if looks could kill.

 

The other hover mom visited us at summer camp and tented with her son...BIG MISTAKE, the other scouts razzed him just enough so that he told mom to back off and go home...she didnt, but after she saw how well the scouts handled the meal prep and cooking she relented and turned in her wings...mumbling something about "...he never helps cook at home, so why here?"

 

The only solution I can offer is put the hover mom(s) on a committee job like an annual dinner or fundraising...or as I have done in my troop...put them in charge of the "thank-you" notes.

 

You can send them to training and WB and most likely you'll get back a trained Scouter...or you may get the Hover-Mom-zilla of your nightmares.

 

 

[Vicki]

or the hover-dad of my experience who stayed so close to his son that the poor kid couldn't even handle the spatula to flip the eggs without bumping into him. Giving instructions the whole time. Or, as I was trying to get through the swimming/lifesaving requirements for 2-1 class ranks, repeating everything I said, "so, did you hear that, xxx?" Or the one who reduced his son to tears because he couldn't swim as well as some of the others - ridicule works SO well. Or the one who was also a SM who didn't like the way I filled out his son's review after NYLT.

 

It ain't just a gender thing. Usually they seem to either get over it or take their son out of scouts. Haven't been able to really get them to training - the one I did get to training (I was on the adult leader training staff) decided he could teach his son anything we could, and better.

 

Vicki

[Karen_216]

Ok so we all sometimes do it.Make sure th bag is packed correct, remind them to take a shower.

It's when it's to extrmes that thye have to step back. The "helicopter" parents (another term) that "hover" over every little thing is not new.

They can take the form of the Bullying Dad or the Mom who can't let go and needs to be there for everything. Heck- I sent my daughter to camps hoping she'll get some independance and maturity. She's so obliviuos- so differnet than her brother 5 years younger who must do it himslef. No waitng for Mom or Dad to fix a sandwich for this 7 yr old. He'll make it himself. Guess what- they both are capable.

Let's face it, most kids will let parents do it if the parents are there and willing to. I think people laugh at me sometimes when I jsut shrug- oh well, a bug got in the drink. He'll survive!! There are more important things than wearing a pair of socks all week or forgetting to shower 1 day (or 2- poor leaders who have to "smell" it).

The Values and skills they need to learn for themselves and the decisions they may face one day when they are on their own are hopefully what they are being prepared for. Mom or Dad can't always be there to tell them to look both ways or to leave a situation that is not appropriate. Or to make sure they get to work on time and don't goof off (oops still havent; learned that yet!)

You can only hope that these helicopters will back off (probably having a stroke thinking of Johnny eating a marshamllow off that dirty stick). Some will bck off eventually some won't.

Hopefully learn by example of the rest of the pack.

[evmori]

Hover parents are usual for of a detriment than help. Getting them to sign up as leaders isn't the answer. Look at what is happening in the other thread started by Anonomyous! A perfectly good unit is now gone!

 

Ed Mori

1 Peter 4:10

[Lisabob]

Depending on your unit - sometimes another adult can have a rather firm discussion with the hover parent in question and explain to them that this is simply not how the pack/troop/crew/whatever works. Sometimes these parents see the light and become your best, most dedicated behind the scenes volunteers. Often though, I have to agree with Ed that the last thing you want to do is give them "power" by putting them in any sort of adult leadership position where they will just hover more.

 

And thank you Vicki - you're absolutely right that it isn't a gender thing! Right now our troop has a couple hover parents of each gender. The thing that gets me is that the hover dads we have, ought to know better! They have older boys in scouting, have been trained, and have been leaders for a while. Yet, when they're present (and their kids generally aren't, if these dads aren't present), their kids are constantly by their side asking what to do next, instead of working in their patrols and trying to solve their problems on their own.

[msnowman]

Ahhhh, helicopter parents (because its true, they are not gender specific)....one of the reasons why I recommend to the parents of our Webelos IIs that they stay away for the first few camping trips.

 

In my opinion (based on personal observances and experience), the helicopter parenting strategy comes from one main place - worrying about how their parenting looks to others. Whether its a mom worried about her son eating undercooked hamburger or a dad belittling his son because everybody else got the bowline. Everything their child does is taken as a reflection on their ability as a parent.

 

That was actually my biggest concern...I took Nephew's behavior as a reflection on my ability as a parent...if he misbehaved I was a bad parent. If he was a little slow to get that knot then I must have failed to work with him. So - I stayed away. Nephew survived, indeed he thrived. I got to hear from others how pleasant Nephew is, how good he is w/ younger Scouts, how funny he can be. I also heard that he and Johnny got in trouble for leaving their pocketknives here or not doing XYZ when they were supposed to. I learned that he is a good kid but that nobody's child is perfect and they aren't expected to be.

 

In the end, unless the helicopter parent comes to realize that everything isn't about them you can't get them thru it. They have to have faith in their child but also in their own parenting skills.

 

YiS

Michelle

[Trevorum]

Fair Warning usually works for us.

 

Before crossover, we tell all incoming parents during our orientation that they are each welcome to camp with the troop at any time. However (and we stress this point) there are a few rules they must agree to, including letting Johnny put up and take down his own tent, cook his own meals, etc. Help, if needed will be provided by his PL, Troop Guide, or another older fellow. We stress the importance of the patrol method and how a well meaning but interfering parent can easily derail this important aspect of Scouting. This approach generally works. Occasionally, a seasoned ASM will have to gently nudge a parent not to hover and they generally get the hint.

 

As an aside, I think that dads tend to hover more often than moms. These guys just want to do the father/son bonding thing and haven't yet learned/accepted that Boy Scouting is not family camping.

[GKlose]

This reminds me of an event from my days as a scout.

 

Our SM was a teacher, and didn't get finished with school until about 3pm on Fridays. One Friday afternoon, prior to a 6pm campout departure, weather looked a little bit too threatening for one mom, so she called the rest of the troop parents to cancel the campout. Her kid, Chuck, a year older than me, was fairly new to the troop, and camping in general. He was a funny, laid-back kid. But he and his mom didn't know that weather *never* stopped us. Never. And we still went that weekend.

 

We did what kids do...Chuck got a good dose of "so, is your mom going to cancel this campout too?" and "let's check with Chuck's mom to see if we're still going" and "so Chuck, did your mom pack your bag?". He laughed it off (but who knows what kind of psychological damage we caused him!).

 

His mom took the brunt of the teasing amongst ourselves, and I don't know if Chuck ever told her, or if our Scoutmaster had a word with her.

[AvidSM]

I do the same as Trevorum. I even go so far as to give the new parents a handout which gives them guidelines for parents camping with the troop. I list both good and bad reasons why a parent would want to go. Here is what it says:

 

" Some parents are curious as to what camping with a scout troop is all about and would like observe it for themselves. Others are thinking of becoming an adult leader in the troop and would like to start learning about the program first hand. Some just love to camp and will take any opportunity to enjoy the outdoors and the fellowship of other adults. These are some of the right reasons why a parent would want to camp with the troop. Unfortunately, there are some parents who want to camp for the wrong reasons - without even realizing it. Dont go if you feel your son will spend more time with you than with his fellow scouts. He must learn to rely on them and his Scoutmaster instead of you. Dont go if you know you are the kind of person who must be in control of things to maintain order or you get frustrated when you see others not performing to your standards. Your son and the rest of the scouts need every opportunity to make decisions on their own and practice their leadership skills. Dont go if your son says hell only attend if you go too. You must foster your sons self reliance so he can take his first steps towards adulthood. Give your son the courage to take that first step. Dont go because you are uncomfortable leaving your son with strangers. Take the time to get to know the troops leaders beforehand. You must place your trust in their years of experience and training. You must realize that from the adult leaders perspective, you are the stranger. Being allowed to camp with the troop is a privilege which they extend to you - one which can be revoked if you fail to follow the BSA rules and troop guidelines."

[allangr1024]

I probobly did this to my son (now 21) in his first year of scouting. Now, He is an adult and I am SM of the troop. I think I liked it more than he did.

 

We have one mom who is very enthusiastic about scouting, but her son is NOT. He is 14 and has been in scouting since tigers. I continually tell her to step back and let the boys do their stuff. He actually asked me if he could quit. He needs only an Eagle Project to get Eagle. I told him he is so close, he will regret it if he quits, and that by the end of summer he could get Eagle. Since his mom makes him come, he is not the best at scout spirit in the troop. His passion is skateboarding.

 

He brought me an Eagle project idea a few weeks ago to build some skateboard ramps for his church youth group, doubed by the youth paster as "Skate Church". His youth pastor was going to do this, and decided to let my scout do it for him. They have building plans, funding from the church, and an area on the church property for this. I told him to write it up. It is about as much work as another Eagle project we had, building benches for a churches outdoor arena.

 

During the meeting I had with him, I told him that if I saw an iota of his mothers effort in his project, he would have to find another. I told him that she could drive him to places and meetings, but that was it. The next week, she has tons of paper printed out about her sons project and is asking me questions. I had to tell her to let the boy do it, and just drive him around.

 

I appreciate the work this mom does for the troop, but sometimes I wish she could just drop him off and let him develop in the troop. But you have what you have, and I do want the boy to continue with us.

 

 

[Eagledad]

Hi All

 

There are all kinds of reasons why some parents tend to hover and all units have to deal with it to some degree. We slowly learned to be specific at the beginning when the families visit the troop about the objectives of a boy run program. We describe the program as taking the adult out it as much as possible so the scout learns independence and self initiative. Its even in the parents manual we give when the families join and go through training. So, when the situation comes up, we only had to point them back to that purpose written in the manual, and generally the parents stand back.

 

I can only think of one parent who not only wouldnt stand back when the committee requested, she tried to change the policy in the committee meetings more toward her style. She keep using the fact that she was WB trained as to why we needed to listen to her. When the scouts and parents of other scouts started to complain about her, we restricted her from participating with the scouts and asked her to only help in committee. Our CC was pretty strong and wouldnt be pushed around by her. She eventually left our troop for another. Two weeks hadnt gone by before the SM of that troop called me to ask about her. She was asked to leave that troop within the year and she and her son joined another troop. Both were out of scouting soon after that. I didnt ask why.

 

Barry

 

[BrotherhoodWWW]

In the troop I serve as CC we have several of the hovering type. I think it is mostly a matter of education, although my efforts so far have been fruitless. I went so far as to ask a mother why she is the one sewing on her at the time Star Scout's patches. Her reply was that that is just one of her jobs. I replied "are you going to be there for him when he is moved away and has to do it himself?" Her answer escapes me at the moment.

[SctDad]

after reading some of these posts, I feel fortunate with my group this year.

 

We went camping this past weekend, and when the everyone showed up (i went a day early with my son and another parent and cub) the boys pretty much took off to have fun and chase each other around. The parents pretty much sat back in the kitchen area that we had set up talking. We were pretty laid back but we did have times where the boys were under close supervision. Like when fishing and when roasting marshmallows. For safety reasons of course.

 

I do not know how this is going to be with next years tigers. (All of the boys who went camping were tigers except for 2, one webelos, and one brother, who will be a tiger next year) Hopefully they will do much like my boys have done.

[acco40]

One of the reasons I implemented an adult patrol was to ameliorate the effect of hover moms/dads. If mom or dad is smothering their son with too much attention or help, I, as PL of the adult patrol, give them their own assignment.

 

When they are filling up our water jug from a source 200 yards away, it is difficult to interfer with how their son is boiling water. The parents respond slightly better to redirecting than to outright commands to stop (much like two year olds).