Heard any good jokes lately?

[OneHour]

What? Engineer jokes and I haven't put mine in? I'm an engineer ... a geek at that! Proud to be a geek, 'cause you can't spell geek without a double e's (EE)!

 

Top Ten Things Engineering School didn't Teach You

 

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.

2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.

3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.

6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.

8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.

9. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.

10. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.

 

************************

- How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a second year subject.

 

- How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

 

- How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?

"Will this question be in the final examination?"

 

- How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

 

- How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.

 

- How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

"Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway."

 

- How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.

 

- How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

 

************************

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

 

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."

 

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."

 

The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

 

**********************

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

 

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

 

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

 

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

 

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their rear are interchangeable."

 

The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers . They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

 

*******************

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

 

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.

 

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

 

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now, that's cool!"

 

 

[berkshirescouter]

Did you know that all electronics works on the principal of captured smoke. If the device is smoking, you let the smoke out and it will not work again.

[packsaddle]

A mathematician and an engineer (both men) were discussing women. The math guy says, if your wife was standing across the room and you were allowed to travel only half the distance to her with each step, you would never actually get there.

The engineers says, "..yeah but I'd soon be close enough for practical purposes."

[OldGreyEagle]

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

None, thats a hardware issue!

[GopherJudy]

OMG!! I'm laughing so much I'm crying!

 

 

Wingnut,

 

It's ok if I lose 1 hour of my life, my life isn't that exciting! you can PM so I'll understand the monkey hippo joke!

 

 

Now, I'm not an engineer but I still quote Monty Python from the TV show & the movies & every once in a while I break out into the Spam Song, Lumberjack Song or Philosophy Song! So, what does this make me?

 

 

OK, I've remembered a few jokes from 7th grade! It's a shame I can remember these but not what I did yesterday!

 

Sorry if they were painful!

 

 

My son Mark told me this when he was about 4 years old, I don't remember where he heard it!

 

What do you call 2 banana peels?

 

A pair of slippers!

 

He told me that joke about 100 times a day!

 

 

Take care & happy yukking!

 

Judy (This message has been edited by a staff member.)

[cubbingcarol]

OK, I guess I'll post about the only joke I know...

 

Two little rabbits were in the carrot patch eating.

First rabbit says "This carrot sure tastes pithy".

Second rabbit says "That's cause I just pithed on it".

 

I never said it was a good joke...

 

Carol

[OneHour]

Hey Judy ... anyone who sings the Lumberjack song is okay in this Monty Python die-hard's book!

 

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.

I sleep all night. I work all day.

 

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

 

I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.

I go to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays I go shoppin'

And have buttered scones for tea...

 

ps: We'll make you an honorary engineer. Choo! choo!(This message has been edited by OneHour)

[GopherJudy]

OneHour,

 

Thanks for the honor! I'm dying to see the play "Spamalot" on Broadway!

 

 

 

I thought of another joke, it's from 4th grade so it won't get edited! Sorry about the 7th grade jokes!

 

 

Thomas: Have your eyes ever been checked?

Gordon: Nope, they've always been blue!

 

(The names I added are from Thomas the Tank Engine since I'm an honorary engineer! LOL!)

 

These I remember from a few commercials when I was a kid!

 

 

When I was 6 my family moved..... but I found them!

 

 

 

Did you put the cat out?

I didn't know it was on fire!

 

 

When is a door not a door?

 

When it's ajar!

 

OK that's all my brain cell can think of!

 

Judy

[berkshirescouter]

I have one more.

 

When I first got involved in Scouting I wanted to know everything about everything. I chose the compass to look into first. Being an Engineer I went to the specifications of all of the producers. I discovered that the Tates Compass Company were the worst. Not repeatable had trouble finding north generally not a good compass. When I wrote the company and asked them why their product was so bad they said it did all their advertising said it did. After-all their slogan is:

 

 

HE WHO HAS-A-TATES IS LOST

 

[frank10]

The loaded van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Eight *Scouts* leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tents.

Some of the boys rushed to gather firewood, while the others set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the Scoutmaster, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork!"

The Scoutmaster replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

[OneHour]

I need to smile today. So:

 

SURVIVAL LESSON:

 

The scoutmaster was teaching the scouts about survival in the desert.

 

'What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?' he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

 

In the back of the room, one young scout raised and waved his hand excitedly.

 

'Yes Johnny, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?' asked the Scoutmaster.

 

Johnny replied, 'Sir, a compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.'

 

'Why's that Johnny?'

 

Johnny answered, 'Sir, the compass is to find the right direction and the water is to prevent dehydration...'

 

'And what about the deck of cards?' asked the scoutmaster.

 

'Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!''

 

****************

How many cub scout leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Thirteen (+/- 5) - One to call a planning meeting, one to call everyone to find a date and time when everyone can get together, one to conduct the meeting, one to make an announcement about the planned light bulb changing, one to lead a song, one to write a sketch about light bulbs, one to screw it in, two to do a run-on, one to lead a cheer for a job well done, one to bring refreshments, and one to buy patches for everyone who participated!

 

****************

(from Milton Keynes Scout Network)

 

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

 

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

 

Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.

 

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely un heard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

 

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

 

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

[packsaddle]

From the National Park Service backcountry guide:

 

"...When in bear country there are several practices that will help keep you and the bears apart....blah, blah, blah,...When hiking in bear country, wear small bells attached to your pack or feet. In this manner, bears will hear you before you see them and you will be less likely to surprise them. Also carry pepper spray to repel a bear if it approaches you on the trail...blah, blah, blah....It is important in bear country to know what kind of bears are in the area. One way to do this is to identify them by their scat (feces). Black bear scat often contains rodent fur and berry seeds. Grizzly bear scat often contains small bells and has an odor like pepper spray."

[SSScout]

 

A woman strides up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter greets her:

"Yes, my child, and what did you do back on Earth?"

The woman replies," I was an emergency room nurse. I helped people every way I could. I know we couldn't save everyone, but I did the best I could, and we did save alot."

"Indeed you did," St Peter answers. "Pray , enter and be glad!"

Later, another woman walks up and St. Peter looks up from his desk and says,"Greetings ,my child. And what did YOU do back on Earth?"

The woman looks down at her feet and says, " Well, I was a nurse in a hospice. I knew we really couldn't expect to save those folks, but I did the very best I could to make their last days comfortable and we tried hard to comfort their family."

"So you did, so you did," St. Peter murmurs and smiles. "Pray, enter and be glad!"

Later still, another woman walks up. St. Peter smiles and says,"Greetings, my child. And what did you do down on Earth?"

"St. Peter, sir," she replies,"I was a nurse in an HMO. We worked long hours and I knew I couldn't save everybody, but I did the best I could."

St. Peter scratches his beard, reaches under his desk and pulls out a big book. He drops it on his desk, opens it up and starts thumbing thru it. He stops and makes a note on a pad of paper, searches thru the book again, writes down something more. Taps the pencil on the pad, leans back in his chair, smiles and says,"I think we can give you 3 days."

[Scoutfish]

A group of boy Scouts were guests at a joint military exercise at a military port.

 

The Scoutmaster and the boys were invited front and center next to a big aircraft carrier.

 

Before starting, a Navy Admiral and a Marine General greet the Scoutmaster. They talked a few minutes and somehow, the conversation of who had the bravest men started.

 

The Marine General yells to a marine on deck of aircraft carrier: "Marine! Catch that jet that's landing!" The airman tries to obey orders and is immediately killed.

With a big grin, the General says: "Gentlemen, that is bravery!"

 

The Navy Admiral laughs at the General and says: "No, I'll show you brave." He then shouts orders a sailor on the pier: "Sailor! Catch that anchor!"

The sailor tries and is immediatly crushed to death by the anchor.

"Now that is bravery!" replies the Admiral.

 

Then the Scoutmaster steps up. "Boys, I need you to undo all the ropes securing the ship and retie all of them."

 

The SPL looks at the ScoutMaster and says : Screw you! I'm not doing that!"

 

The ScoutMaster looks at the Sr military officers and beaming, says:" That is real bravery!"

[Scoutfish]

There are three types of people:

 

Those who can count, and those who can't.