Heard any good jokes lately?

[packsaddle]

What do you do when a 'banjo player' knocks on your door?

 

Answer: Pay him for the pizza.

 

What do you say to a 'banjo player' in a three-piece suit?

 

Answer: Will the defendant please rise?

[gavvin]

Being a computer geek, I had to add this one:

 

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

[packsaddle]

What did the 'banjo player' get on his SAT test?

 

Answer: Drool.

 

Just trying to keep this alive

[packsaddle]

I found it!

 

An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to each in turn, and he knew he was coming very close to death he called for all to gather together.

 

"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper.

 

Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah..."

[red feather]

Have not laughted so much.

 

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement.

 

One bananosecond.

 

Murphys Law: What can go wrong will go wrong.

 

Various authors: Murphy was an optimust.

 

Coles Slaw: Thinly sliced cabbage

 

yis and thanks

 

 

[eaglescout2004]

A small plane is in mid-flight when the pilot suddenly bursts from his seat, yells, "we're goin' down" grabs a parachute, and jumps. The three remaining people on board, a Boy scout, the pope, and a lady senator look at the two remaining parachutes. The Lady states that she is the smartest woman in the world, and the world could not get along with out her so she takes one and jumps. The pope turns to the boy scout and says: "I am old and frail. You take the last parachute." The boy responds, "No, there are actually two left. The smartest woman in the world took my back pack." (This message has been edited by a staff member.)

[frank10]

A straight line is the shortest distance between two jokes.

[GopherJudy]

OMG! My son & I were hysterical laughing! All the jokes were great. I didn't read the "feminine product" one to my son, I don't want to have to explain that to a 10 year old!

 

NIScouter my son loved the Mahatma Ghandi joke! He kept repeating the punch line!

 

Wingnut I'm sorry to say that I don't understand your monkey & hippo joke, can you explain that to me please? Thanks!

 

Keep the great jokes coming & if I can think of one, I'll post it!

 

Judy

[frank10]

Judy...

Um well, I could but it wouldn't be all that funny. Maybe I could just take a shot at telling you it is funny to engineers... You see, we have taken way too many math classes for our own good and while in school most of never really fit in with the rest of the students. lot of what others thought was funny left us scratching our heads.

so, when we take the normal setup line of what do you get when you cross one thing with another and follow up with the math expression for combine two vector forces (known as crossing them)... well, it's funny to admit we know we're a bit out of touch and we're ok with it.

 

Now if you really want me to explaine the math I can, but it will be an hour of your life you'll never get back.

[packsaddle]

Back before I switched to the life sciences, we had an engineer joke that went something like this:

Several farmers were trying to solve a problem with their cows involving structures and transportation. An engineer overheard their discussion and decided to help the poor rubes out. He listened carefully to the problem description and thought for a while. Then he told them that he believed some basic engineering principles could prove valuable. He would try to explain to them how this would work. He began,

"First, let's assume a spherical cow...."

[acco40]

WARNING WARNING WARNING

Another engineering joke.

 

The Polish consulate sponsored a vacation for their compatriots back home to visit the USA. They all went to Las Vegas for a week and took a side trip to the Grand Canyon. After arriving in Vegas, ten of them got into a sight seeing plane and headed off to see the Grand Canyon. Once overhead the pilot got on the intercom and stated, "if you look out the left side, you can see the beautiful painted rocks of the Grand Canyon reflecting the sunlight. All passengers moved over to look out the the left windows. Due to the cg shift the pilot made a slight correction with his ailerons - no big deal. A few minutes later the pilot again came on the intercom, "If you look out on the right side you can see the Hoover Dam." The passengers all went over and looked out the window. The plane spun hopelessly out of control? Why?

 

 

Ans: Too Poles in the right half plane.

 

 

Question: If a redneck husband and wife get divorced are they still considered brother and sister?

 

Darth Vader always knew what his son was going to get for Christmas. Puzzled by this, Luke finally asked his father how he knew. Darth Vader's response, "Luke, I feel your presents."

[NIscouter]

Packsaddle - I used a book in school called "Consider a Spherical Cow" by John Harte (an engineer). He must have heard the joke too!

 

OK, another ENGINEER joke

 

Three scientists, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are asked to guess how many red rubber balls are in a jar. The pysysicit, after determining the mass of the ball and its' relationship to the jar in the time-space continium comes up with his (her) answer. The mataematician measures the diameter of the ball, the length, width and diameter of the jar, and calculates his (her) guess. The engineer pulls out his red rubber ball chart and reads off the answer.

[wyomingi]

I'm not sure the non-engineers here think all the engineering jokes are funny but I love them.

 

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"

The man said, "Look I'm an engineering student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[berkshirescouter]

Another Engineer joke

 

A Dead Engineer

 

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St.. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an

engineer--you're in the wrong place."

 

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is

let in.

 

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with

the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and

building improvements.

 

After a while, they've got air conditioning and

flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a

pretty popular guy.

 

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and

says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

 

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got

air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and

there's no telling what this engineer is going to

come up with next."

 

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake! He should never have gotten

down there;send him up here."

 

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on

the staff,and I'm keeping him."

 

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

 

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah,

right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

 

[berkshirescouter]

And Still more Engineer jokes.

 

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF...

------------------------------

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you

will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in

the string

 

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending

the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma

 

Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck

peering at the scenery, and you are still on a

personal tour of the engine room

 

In college you thought Spring Break was a metal

fatigue failure

 

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer

any of your questions

 

You are always late to meetings

 

You are at an air show and know how fast the

skydivers are falling

 

You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her

birthday

 

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python

movie

 

You can type 70 words a minute but can't read

your own handwriting

 

You can't write unless the paper has both

horizontal and vertical lines.

 

You comment to your wife that her straight hair

is nice and parallel.

 

You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months

 

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit

backwards in the chairs to see how they do

the special effects

 

You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in

your work area

 

You have ever saved the power cord from a

broken appliance

 

You have more friends on the Internet than in

real life

 

You have never bought any new underwear or

socks for yourself since you got married

 

You have used coat hangers and duct tape for

something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

 

You know what http:// actually stands for

 

You look forward to Christmas only to put

together the kids' toys

 

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress

shirts

 

You see a good design and still have to change

it

 

You spent more on your calculator than on your

wedding ring

 

You still own a slide rule and you know how to

work it

 

You think that when people around you yawn,

it's because they didn't get enough sleep

 

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes

(or vice versa)

 

You window shop at Radio Shack

 

You're in the back seat of your car, she's

looking wistfully at the moon, and you're

trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite

 

You know what the geosynchronous satellite

function is

 

Your checkbook always balances

 

Your laptop computer costs more than your car

 

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do

at work

 

Your wrist watch has more computing power than

a 300Mhz Pentium

 

You've already calculated how much you make per

second

 

You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio