Mama Bear... disheartened today

[zuzy]

Hi all, if you remember, son was almost done with his paperwork for Eagle scout.  Had his workbook done, only needs to do letter of ambition.

 

Well, last nite, after he emailed his SM to ask if they can meet to have the workbook signed, he and I  talked.  The email was not very complete, did not have good details as to what he needs from SM and I scolded him and asked "what"?  He told me he doesn't want to do this anymore, he is done.....tooo much paperwork, he wants to stop.

 

He said that he does not like this troop, his second because of needing Sundays.  He said that they do not accept him, he does not feel welcome.  They have not had a meeting for 7 weeks now.  He asked the SM in mid May to please sign his LIVIT for NYLT to get his beads before he turns in his eagle book.  There was a campout that weekend and son thought there would be a meeting that Sunday, SM expected him to come out to the campout (had to miss because of basketball tourney during the day on Sunday) 50 minutes away.  Son was also told there was no meeting that night.  Also troop cancelled last meeting because it was the Sunday of Memorial Day.

 

Now, son is so discouraged, that he does not want to even "look" at his Eagle book any more, and it look beautiful by the way, in a binder all in sleeves and colored pics and all.

 

I am very sad, very disheartened, very disappointed in scouting.

 

Yes, this is an adult run troop. Son was trying to change it by being SPL, but when hubby, the Unit Commissioner stepped away from the committee meetings and all, they went back to their evil ways.  Now, they cancel on a whim and tell the boys where and when they are going, which is not much.

 

I just "want" my son to get the signatures that he needs and walk away, head up.  Now i am not so sure he can even do that without a fuss with SM

[Stosh]

Oh, wow!

 

First of all, your son's age is not mentioned.  If he has time, a little cooling off and a SMC letting the SM know what's going on with the hassles. 

 

I wonder how he got this far with this much pent up frustration only to bail at the last minute, but he has a reason.  Maybe a non-parent, non-judgmental visit with him as you would a friend and not a son, and ask like a friend would do, empathize and help him with his frustration.  This much tension is more of a problem than not getting an Eagle patch.

 

If he has no "friends" in the troop, I would transfer out and build a relationship with a new troop.

 

There are troops like mine, brand new, lots of young boys, no older boy leaders.  I'd pay him to be a scout in my troop! 

 

Again, without knowing the time-table until he turns 18, it's kinda hard to make suggestions.

[qwazse]

@@zuzy, it sounds like you have two problems:

1. A burnt out young man.

2. An SM (and troop) who are stuck in a rut.

 

For the first one, support your son by assuring him that this (along with NYLT beads, etc ...) is entirely his award to earn or shelve. In the broader scheme of things, he needs to decide his priorities and work on those. That might mean putting sports aside for a season so he can be part of a troop he enjoys. Or it might mean putting sports first, then these scouting awards will come slower, or not at all, and that's okay. It's his program to operate how he sees fit.

 

It is really hard for many mid-teens to fit in with their peer groups. It often takes much more time than boys realize. I suspect that the boys in the troop have a feeling that for your son, it's "just bushiness" ... that he's only gonna put in the time he needs for advancement and nothing more. Few boys will invest their time in someone like that. We can discuss that further if this really seems to be part of the problem.

 

For the second one. Your husband rightly stepped away from excessive involvement as a UC. That position should have been assigned to someone else in the district the minute his son joined that troop. That way he could serve as a committee member in good faith. However, he can still give a call to the SM, let him know that the boy is feeling like throwing in the towel, you all don't quite know what to do, and ask him if he or the troop's SPL could give the boy a word of encouragement.

 

Don't ask for signatures. This isn't about that. It's about the boy realizing there are caring adults around, and he may be one of them in not too many years.

[dfolson]

From the GTA - signatures are not always needed.  I would suggest he gets the signature from the beneficiary though.  And I don't know what the NYLT beads are or why they have anything to do with his Eagle application....

 

 

9.0.2.13 Evaluating the Project After Completion

 

----

 

There may be instances where, upon its completion, the unit leader or project beneficiary chooses not to approve a project. One or the other may determine, for example, that modifications were so significant that the extent of service or the impact of the project were insufficient to warrant approval. The candidate may be requested to do more work or even start over with another project. He may choose to meet these requests, or he may decide—if he believes his completed project worthy and in compliance—to complete his Eagle Scout Rank Application and submit his project workbook without final approval. He must be granted a board of review, should he request it. If it is thought a unit board may not provide a fair hearing, a board of review under disputed circumstances may be initiated. (See “Initiating Eagle Scout Board of Review Under Disputed Circumstances,†8.0.3.2.)

 

 

I would suggest he gets the signature from the beneficiary 

[scoutldr]

He will be kicking himself the rest of his life if he walks away now.  Not sure how to impress that on him.  I know too many adults who are "Life for life" and every one of them regrets not finishing.

[perdidochas]

Hi all, if you remember, son was almost done with his paperwork for Eagle scout.  Had his workbook done, only needs to do letter of ambition.

 

Well, last nite, after he emailed his SM to ask if they can meet to have the workbook signed, he and I  talked.  The email was not very complete, did not have good details as to what he needs from SM and I scolded him and asked "what"?  He told me he doesn't want to do this anymore, he is done.....tooo much paperwork, he wants to stop.

 

He said that he does not like this troop, his second because of needing Sundays.  He said that they do not accept him, he does not feel welcome.  They have not had a meeting for 7 weeks now.  He asked the SM in mid May to please sign his LIVIT for NYLT to get his beads before he turns in his eagle book.  There was a campout that weekend and son thought there would be a meeting that Sunday, SM expected him to come out to the campout (had to miss because of basketball tourney during the day on Sunday) 50 minutes away.  Son was also told there was no meeting that night.  Also troop cancelled last meeting because it was the Sunday of Memorial Day.

 

Now, son is so discouraged, that he does not want to even "look" at his Eagle book any more, and it look beautiful by the way, in a binder all in sleeves and colored pics and all.

 

I am very sad, very disheartened, very disappointed in scouting.

 

Yes, this is an adult run troop. Son was trying to change it by being SPL, but when hubby, the Unit Commissioner stepped away from the committee meetings and all, they went back to their evil ways.  Now, they cancel on a whim and tell the boys where and when they are going, which is not much.

 

I just "want" my son to get the signatures that he needs and walk away, head up.  Now i am not so sure he can even do that without a fuss with SM

 

Try to encourage him to finish.  I've met many "Life for Life" scout leaders, and all felt that was one of the biggest mistakes they made as a teen.  I understand the discouragement, but he needs to persevere.  He's too close to quit, IMHO. Did the project beneficiary sign off on it? 

[Hedgehog]

One of my favorite quotes from Richard Bach in his book Illusions:

 

"You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true. You may have to work for it, however."

[qwazse]

Try to encourage him to finish.  ...

Okay, here is where I'm parting ways. This sentiment is a scouter's burden, and we should encourage every boy with that heartfelt desire when we see them faltering. Same holds for coaches, band directors, youth leaders, etc ...

 

But, it's not a mom's place. A boy needs his parents to only focus on the REALLY important stuff. Things like wanting to quit school., improper relationships with the opposite sex, despising religion, debauchery, violence, self-harm. If your child has steered clear of those, you are really blessed and should be extremely pleased. Your very competent son needs to know that you care about him enough to not care about awards and recognition until he says it's time to care about it.

 

Just let his SM or a scouter he respects know that he could use a little encouragement.

 

I would not know what to think about having earned Eagle if for a moment I thought that I would cause Momma an ounce of anguish bu not making it.

[SSScout]

(Sound of Door Slammmmm)

 

"Hi honey?  Something wrong?"

 

(sound of teen body dropping onto couch, books dropped on floor)

 

""I am done with this Troop. They are idiots."

"Sorry? What happened?"

""Aww,  Mr. J said he couldn't sign my Eagle Project because he thinks (fill in the blank) and there won't be any meeting next  (day) because ""HE"" doesn't think it's necessary.  I told him the PLC wanted the meeting, heck I'm the SPL, I thought, and why couldn't we have the meeting?  WE NEED to plan for the campout we were going to have, and now THAT won't  happen.  I  - am - thru."

" Sounds like there are a lot of problems.  I heard you mention the lack of meetings before.  Why do you think he does that?"

""I dunno....    I think Mr. J wants to be THE boss, but that isn't the way I learned about at NYLT."

"Oh, I remember how excited you were when you came back from that.   Who was your instructor there?  Is that the right term?  Trainer?  What did you call him?"

""Yeah, Mr.  X.  He was cool. They were all cool there.   And they talked about Scout Troops being a whole lot different than the way this one is.  It doesn't make sense.  Why would they teach one way and let a Troop do it this way?" .

"  I know you're frustrated.  I am too, and your dad is scratching his head. You know how much he thinks about Scouting.  Maybe you and he could call up Mr. X and talk things over?  Maybe they can help you find a way thru all this mess."

"" That won't do no good.  It won't change Mr. J, and he won't sign off on my Eagle book.  I - am - thru with all this paperwork. Don't mean squat, any how."

" Oh, you have done so much good work on that . You deserve to have that finished.  I think between your dad and Mr.X and you, we can find the way. Maybe Mr. J doesn't have to sign your book, approve everything.  Maybe Mr. X can see another way.  Listen:  This is just one bump in your life. Don't let it stop you .  This can be done. You wanted it, you can still have it.  I don't know what is going on with Mr. J.  Maybe there's some jealousy or something.  What do you say?   Let's talk it over after the movie tonite. " 

[Stosh]

There is nothing more destructive to a boy led program than interference from adults.

[desertrat77]

This is one situation where I'm all for a parent giving "directive" advice.

 

"Tighten up those cleats and get back in the game."

 

Nothing wrong with a nudge, or even a shove, from a well-meaning friend or loved one.   Helps clear the brain of emotional fog or fatigue.

 

I'm not saying mom should carry the scout down the trail.   Just do what needs to be done to get the scout back on the trail.   He'll hike it himself.

 

In this age of "feelings are so important" we've lost the fine art of a good rah-rah speech.  Or a good butt chewing.   We have many options in the motivational play book, and directive advice certainly has its place.

 

Several years ago I worked for a colonel, a brilliant man, who had a PhD.   He related to me at one point during his quest for the doctorate, he talked to his wife and expressed doubts about completing the program.   She gently grabbed him by his lapels, and with quiet but steely determination said "You will finish the program."   He said that is exactly what he needed.

 

Far better a kick in the pants now that a life time of wondering "what if."

 

The best advice I've received has always been "knock it off/get off your butt and get moving."   

Edited June 3, 2016 by desertrat77

[zuzy]

Thank you guyssss!  I am in tears right now.  I am just so soos soo soooo ugh .  The other rug rat is acting up as well and man oh man.  I tell you.

 

I did tell him to pick up his boot straps, that he has come so far, done such a wonderful job and DESERVES this award. I know that some are called "paper eagles", this one is not.  He earned it, hubby and I would have it no other way.  It's just that I think it's the end of school, exams, he likes this girl and is afraid to ask her out, has practice for basketball, and commitment for football and WANTS to do scouts, but this troop is so lead around by the adults it is not funny. Tooo, much.   I also told him that he will regret it the rest of his life if he does not finish this.  He is SOOOO close.  Just signatures, life ambition paper and application.  He has all his badges needed.  Only needs to turn in FAMILY LIFE at the next meeting WHEN EVER THAT WILL BE, goodness only knows............  I am just hurting for him right now as I type.  I know this is HIS decision, but MAN!  I have gotten off of my soap box with him for now.  He told me he will finish, I believe he will.  He is such a good young man and I am so very doggone proud of him.  I have made some stupid errors in my early life like not finishing things and I don't want that to happen to him.  But again, his life, his decision, his rank, his his his.

 

He did hear from SM yesterday (I think the Unit Comsmissioner had something to do with this and thank goodness too!) and they are going to meet on Monday to go over his paper work.  I am soooo sooo nervous yet that it will not be good enough.  This kid has put in at least 30 hours putting the book together, I personally think it is great, but we shall see.

 

Thank you again so much for not raking me over the coals and for all your nice answers.  I loved the one with the dialogue in it.  I can just see my son saying most of it.

 

Have a good day.

[Stosh]

Keep us posted on how things go!

[dfolson]

Remember that the signatures are not 100% needed.  There are procedures to follow if they are withheld.  He should make a photocopy of that last blue card before he turns it in to the Troop in case he needs to provide the Council with a copy of it.

 

Good luck to your son!

[Tampa Turtle]

Zuzy...the Eagle paperwork slog is hard and unrewarding. I was thoroughly disheartened with my son#1 who is now all done with his paperwork and waiting for the ECOH Call. But I tell him College Applications are not that much more exciting and it is a fact of life. But is not a good endcap to a Boy's scout journey...I did not realize until I read over his career record how far he had come.

 

I do not know how much time your boy has. I have seen young enough ones walk away for a year and come back and finish. Hang in there.