Mamma bear here again? Can we talk?

[zuzy]

Sigh.........where does one begin...Yes, it has been me asking all the Eagle scout procedures for the work book and such.  Also me with the SM issues.  Things are going, slowly, but surely.  Workbook is being filled in, slowly, project was finished mid February.  Now son was newly elected SPL in February, with prodding from me and his Dad.  SM is not making transition easy for this kid.  His idea of communication is through texting and some emails.  Son has a very light case of autism, he is VERY high functioning--A-B student in school.  Just has a "communication" issue because of Asperger's.  We/he do not disclose it unless it is really needed.  Don't want to use it as a crutch.  We liken it to "well johnny has brown eyes, you have blue.  Jimmy has autism and you don't" and go on with living.  He has gone through all kinds of therapy early before kindergarten which had done wonders for him.  I am hoping that the SPL position will help him with his "milktoast-ness" and learn to speak up for himself.  But  again, it is tough because of the Asperger's and SM is a............ welll, lets just say he is like a male apendage to son.

 

My husband DOES NOT like to tell people of this issue. But, I am thinking that it might help to disclose it, with communicating with SM and Committee.  SM just seems to be piling lots of busy work on son such as calling, emailing, and texting troop if they do not sign up for an outing to make sure that they will/will not go.  And then there is that lost meanings in texts/emails that one may or may not understand and the texts seem to go on forever..................I am rambling.

 

Guess I just want to hear that all will be okay while he is going for his Eagle rank.  I just don't want things to get too riled with SM and then he puts a wrench into the Eagle situation.  Son transferred to this troop 1,5 years ago because he needed a troop that met on Sundays due to sports, so he is kind of new to this SM.  He is on the Freshmen football and basketball team, 3.9 GPA.  Is doing AAU basketball.

 

SM and hubby (Unit Commissioner) have been going round and round with how this troop is run/NOT run and he needs to put things in order and I am afraid my son is caught in the middle.  I now feel guilty for talking my son into running for SPL, he was on the fence and said it would be too much, but we said we would support him thorough it.  NOW, it seems that SM is throwing a lot of stuff at him and explaining through emails/texts rather than actually talking face to face.

 

Oh, son is also working to earn his NYLT beads.  He is setting up a camping outing for the troop in April to add to everything else he has going as well.  The kid is busy busy.  

 

Please tell me it will all work out?

[KenD500]

Without know the other side of the story any reassurances that things "will all work out" would be blowing smoke.

 

A few things I note & will comment on:

1.  Let the SM know in private of your son's diagnosis.  Things like eye color are readily apparent.  Things like a diagnosis can mean a different communication style is needed.

 

2.  Why is the unit commissioner hubby "going round and round"?  Is hubby the UC of this Troop?  Hopefully not.  This sounds like it is aggravating the situation.

[zuzy]

Well, I am not sure if he is the"troops" UC or the Council.  I think the council.  Council wants him to "clean" up the troop because they have been not doing things like they should have for the past few years.  No new recruitment in almost 3 years and lost 9 families.  SM was doing advancement as well as signing blue cards and keeping them from the boys.  Told them what and when they would work on them.  Now, as the UC, hubby has reassigned advancement to another individual, which SM has called a naughty name to, and the Committee Chair has been given their full power, which they did not know they had until UC told her a few months ago.  So, SM has lost a little of his "hold" on things.  He is busy with work and if he cannot go camping or do the outing, then no-one did in the past.  Now, my husband is available plus two others to go.

 

So, yes I think SM is getting aggravated, but Council wants things repaired and UC needs to repair?

[desertrat77]

Zuzy, the key is this:   how does your son feel about this?  In the previous thread, I recall your son was doing his best to work with the SM and meeting the challenges head on.   Does he still feel this way?

 

Could it be that your son is handling this better than you and dad?  I don't say that in judgment because I've been the same boat with my kids.   But we have to step back and let the kids learn about life.

 

No doubt the SM is a pain in the neck, it just sounds like he's running the troop different than you and your husband would.   Frankly, this is starting to sound like a battle of personalities and personal pride, along with a touch of the Momma Bear syndrome.

 

While poor communications, required busy work, and an abrasive personality make for an annoying SM, none of these are crimes.   In scouting, we're teaching the scouts to become young men, so they are prepared for the years ahead--marriage, a profession, college, etc.   We are doing them no favors by constantly sweeping their paths.

 

My recommendation:   no need to mention the medical condition.    Unless there is a clear violation of BSA policy/procedure, Dad should cease fire with the SM.    As tough as it may be, step aside and let your son succeed.   On his own.   He can do it. 

[Stosh]

I have the same concerns as Ken on this one. UC hubby-dad vs. SM is not going to work out well for the SM/Son team your boy is up against.  Your husband needs to find a different unit to be assigned to or your boy needs a new troop if your husband decides he doesn't want to move.

 

I wouldn't tell the SM about the medical problems of your son, as long as your son is functioning in the manner he is, it's none of his business and could potentially be something he could use against your son down the road if things don't work out well.

 

I would suggest to your son to get a functional ASPL as soon as possible.  He needs a scout in his court that will work with him.  Too many SPL's get hung out to dry by adults and if there's a problem between SM and SPL, it would work better if it was between SM and SPL/ASPL team.  After all I'm thinking the SM/Son combo do discuss the troop when your son is not around.

 

As far as the milk-toast issue, your son doesn't need to defend himself against distracters, all he needs do is lead the troop.  There is always the issue which in your case has not been resolved.  Who's running the show?  The SM or the SPL.  It's a question your son might wish to ask the SM.  If he says he runs the show, then I would recommend he step down as SPL and do a POR that isn't in the cross-hairs.  I"m sure that's what the SM wants anyway, to put his own son in that spot.  That's a battle your son doesn't need to fight to be a good scout.  Sounds like politics on the adult level have filtered down to interfering with the work of the boys.  If your boy decides to step down, he doesn't do so by announcing to his SM, but his reason for stepping down explained in writing to COR, CC and SM at the same time.  It's time that those people know how much their political agendas are disrupting the operation of the troop.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Stosh

[zuzy]

Thanks desert rat.  Yes, I am being mama bear.  I am so DOGGONE proud of this kid and no, he is not giving up, yet.  He is starting to wince at the busy work, but is doing it.  I am hoping he will get accustomed to it and just automatically do it.  And yes, I take personal offense when someone disses my son. Have been dealing with this seems like forever, but son still goes on.  He is a great kid, of course Mama Bear will say that, right?  Mama Bear Syndrome to the hilt.  I just don't want to tread anywhere I shouldn't that's why I am getting it out with you guys.   And THANKs by the way.

 

Maybe this is just a wrinkle with the SM and son and they can iron things out.  I would feel more comfortable without the texts, that's all.

[desertrat77]

I would suggest to your son to get a functional ASPL as soon as possible.  He needs a scout in his court that will work with him.  Too many SPL's get hung out to dry by adults and if there's a problem between SM and SPL, it would work better if it was between SM and SPL/ASPL team. 

 

While I agree with Stosh's entire post, this part jumped out at me.  

 

A million years ago, when I became the SPL in a troop I had just joined, I worked for a very prickly SM who was critical of everything I did.    A very difficult person to work with.

 

I wanted to quit but didn't.   After a year or so, the SM stepped down.   However, I learned alot about myself, and though we didn't get along, I admit I learned from the difficult SM.    I was a better SPL and scout for the experience.

 

We didn't have an ASPL.   It sure would have helped.

[zuzy]

Now that you mention it, son did say that he is learning that the world is made up of difficult people.  Maybe this is a learning incidence to deal with difficult people.  Hubby said ASPL is a yes-man to SM. I will mention it to son to talk with ASPL and see what he can do.

[Stosh]

While I agree with Stosh's entire post, this part jumped out at me.  

 

A million years ago, when I became the SPL in a troop I had just joined, I worked for a very prickly SM who was critical of everything I did.    A very difficult person to work with.

 

I wanted to quit but didn't.   After a year or so, the SM stepped down.   However, I learned alot about myself, and though we didn't get along, I admit I learned from the difficult SM.    I was a better SPL and scout for the experience.

 

We didn't have an ASPL.   It sure would have helped.

 

I do believe the ASPL is appointed by the SPL.  Maybe you din't have one because you didn't appoint one.  In Zuzy's case, I would suggest he pick his staunchest ally in the group and make him ASPL and the two of them turn that troop around.  Zuzy's boy doesn't HAVE TO do it alone,    and neither did you. 

Edited March 15, 2016 by Stosh

[Stosh]

Now that you mention it, son did say that he is learning that the world is made up of difficult people.  Maybe this is a learning incidence to deal with difficult people.  Hubby said ASPL is a yes-man to SM. I will mention it to son to talk with ASPL and see what he can do.

 

I hope this is a good example for everyone on the forum how distructive adult controlled troops can be for the boys.

 

Zuzy:  if the ASPL is an appointed Yes-Man to the SM, then your boy can appoint his own.  That is supposed to be a leadership team not an adversarial relationship of a subordinate spying for the SM.

[zuzy]

SPL did not get chance to appoint, SM did the choosing.  SPL does not even "know" all the boys positions.

[desertrat77]

Zuzy, everything I've read tells me your son has the right outlook.   Stand back and let him lead.   You're proud of him now--you'll be even prouder of him in the days ahead.

 

He's learned a valuable lesson about difficult people.   Many young men don't experience this till they are in college, or business, or the military. 

 

Your son will be miles ahead of his peers.

[zuzy]

Tears..........desert rat. Thanks

[Stosh]

SPL did not get chance to appoint, SM did the choosing.  SPL does not even "know" all the boys positions.

 

Have SPL son start researching how a troop is supposed to be run.  He needs to know what direction to head, listening to the SM is only going to make things worse.  If your son wants to stand on his own two feet on solid ground, he better know what solid ground is.  There's plenty of info out there on the internet for him to learn.  I do believe the ASPL is appointed along with all the other troop positions.  It's a good lesson in management to know the game that's played so that one can know where it is he is supposed to be leading to.

Edited March 15, 2016 by Stosh

[desertrat77]

I do believe the ASPL is appointed by the SPL.  Maybe you din't have one because you didn't appoint one.  In Zuzy's case, I would suggest he pick his staunchest ally in the group and make him ASPL and the two of them turn that troop around.  Zuzy's boy doesn't HAVE TO do it alone,    and neither did you. 

LOL Stosh, good point.

 

I'm reviewing my grey cells as we speak...as I recall, there wasn't another scout I could have picked to be ASPL.   The PLs would have been good choices, but they were gainfully employed training their patrol members, most of whom were new scouts.   Either way, I had to just gut it out.