Feel a little hurt and angry

[Renax127]

So today I showed up at a cross over where some of the Webelos were joining our troop, along with some scouts, our CC and the guy that is currently our SM (on paper) I've been doing the job for a few months now and was officially supposed to take over in January. I've mentioned on here about a current ASM that's been there since the start and is sort of a pain and pretty anti-boy lead.

 

Welp come to find out I am no longer going to be taking over as SM the ASM I mentioned decided he wanted to do it and the current SM, CC, COR have already signed off on it about 2 weeks ago.  So I am feeling angry and more than a little hurt. I have been recruiting pretty hard, I've been introducing myself as SM, heck I did it yesterday in front of the CC and the ASM, I've also been leading and working with the boys under that assumption. Now it's going to look like I was a problem of some kind and they "removed" me from the position.

 

Yeah I joined for my son and to help and I have honestly never card about recognition (I mean it's nice but ...)  and I've done my best to stay out of the politics involved but I was looking forward to it, especially for the challenge. And whatever my problems are with the ASM I always thought he was a stand up guy. I don't know maybe I eel betrayed too. I'd like to think I would have handled it better if he had come to me first, I might not have but I would have liked the opportunity.

 

I'm not sure what to do or what my role really should be moving forward.

 

p.s. No I haven't told my son all of this just that I decided not to be SM. His future in the troop was in question prior to this so I'm not sure what he'll do now. So yeah this is all adult drama crap.

Edited December 14, 2015 by Renax127

[Eagle94-A1]

 I'm so sorry to hear about this. A few thoughts.

 

1) Do you really think the anti Scout led leader will remain? If yes, AND your son is affected to the point of quitting, then move to another trip.

 

If not, you may need stay and help out as best you can and take on the repsonsibility when anti-Scout led ASM fumbles.

 

2) If step down, be supportive of your son and look to other areas to support Scouting.

 

Good luck.

[Stosh]

I've been in your "politics-of-the-troop" situation in the past.  It's kind a rough for a while, but once one moves on to bigger and better things, it doesn't look so bad.  About 4 units ago, I was so frustrated I swore off scouting for good.  Did it twice in the second unit, the third had me removed as SM and now the 4th, I'm on my 3 year as SM of a struggling SM wondering if all the work is worth it.   

 

Still here. 

 

Sounds a lot like level 4 conflict.  (Game Playing level).  Keep it in mind one does not have to play their game. 

[Krampus]

I'd volunteer to run their first year program. Get your kid to FC and teach the boys to be strong and boy led.

[Eagledad]

Renax, I understand your hurt, truly I do. Take the time you need to get far enough to think about your next step without letting emotion drive your decisions. Don't loose one bit of the integrity and respect you have built up to this point.

 

People by instinct don't like confrontation and will allow some chaos even when they know it is wrong to prevent getting involved. So, reacting emotionally against what has happened will only push them away from you. If the situation is how you described, these other adults don't have your passion or drive and sooner than later will be looking for someone to release them. And, I learned over the years that the dominant adult driving the program doesn't always have "master" in the title. Be patient, be humble, be loyal, and stay the course. Your passion will be rewarded.

 

Some years later I can say the hurt doesn't completely go away, but going forward without letting the anger make your choices brings a smile and a strong sense of satisfaction for making the hard choices.

 

I wish you the best in the future of scouting my friend.

 

Barry

[Renax127]

Renax, I understand your hurt, truly I do. Take the time you need to get far enough to think about your next step without letting emotion drive your decisions. Don't loose one bit of the integrity and respect you have built up to this point.

 

People by instinct don't like confrontation and will allow some chaos even when they know it is wrong to prevent getting involved. So, reacting emotionally against what has happened will only push them away from you. If the situation is how you described, these other adults don't have your passion or drive and sooner than later will be looking for someone to release them. And, I learned over the years that the dominant adult driving the program doesn't always have "master" in the title. Be patient, be humble, be loyal, and stay the course. Your passion will be rewarded.

 

Some years later I can say the hurt doesn't completely go away, but going forward without letting the anger make your choices brings a smile and a strong sense of satisfaction for making the hard choices.

 

I wish you the best in the future of scouting my friend.

 

Barry

Right now I'm leaning toward not re-chartering. I (along with every other leader) have been presenting myself as SM to everyone, even the DE, and now to suddenly have someone else announced tonight as the new SM with no explanation is just going to make me look like an ass. On top of it I was asked to take over as SM by the current SM and CC in March and I made it clear what I was going to do. I just don't feel like hanging around and dealing with whatever.

 

If my son decides to drop scouts (I'm making him stay till April no matter what) then the two of us can just go backpacking/camping on our own for a little while with less hassle. He just turned 12 and has earned First Class so we can look for a Venturing crew in a couple years and he can still earn Eagle if he wants. He's just in Scouts for the camping anyway and he's frustrated with all the lame crap he has to deal with to get to the camping.

 

I don't want to make this about me but no matter what I do my son sees that I'm not getting the job I've been doing for 6 months now for some unknown reason. He's a bright kid and will figure out something is up when the troop reverts back to the old way of doing things. I am so confused right now.

[Stosh]

One cannot Pollyanna smile oneself out of a bad situation.  Sounds like it's time to move on, these politics aren't going away anytime soon and there are plenty of other well run troops out there that can offer a positive scouting experience for both parent and scout.  Sounds like the decision has already been made.  There are many good opportunities out there, one does not have to settle for the one bad one.  Best of luck finding a new troop/crew.  

[Krampus]

@@Renax127 I read this last night before bed. Re-reading it this AM I'm thinking that you should have a meeting with the guys that made BOTH decisions. Ask them what gives. Why the change? Which decision are they going to stick with and why? They OWE you that. This is Scouting and they need to come clean and be honest. @@Stosh is right, even if they give you an answer it's likely time to move.

 

It appears "loyal" is not in someone's vocabulary, so let's hope the other 11 points are. They owe you an explanation otherwise how can you answer you son? I'd hold them to that. Face to face, man to man. My two cents.

Edited December 14, 2015 by Krampus

[desertrat77]

Renax, here is what jumps out at me:

 

The COR, CC, current SM and the ASM in question made this decision without giving you the courtesy of a face-to-face meeting a couple weeks ago.   They just decided a course of action, and let you continue to operate under the assumption that the original plan was a go.   

 

If they wanted to go to Plan B, they should have informed you and respectfully offered you another position.   Instead, they just dodged it and let you find out when everything reached critical mass.   After your hard work.   And without them telling you in person.

 

They behaved like cads.  Their actions are frankly rather low.   Is this a group of people that you want to work with?   I've learned the hard way, from similar situations, that something like this isn't a one-time incident.   

 

No doubt there is another unit out there that would welcome you. 

Edited December 14, 2015 by desertrat77

[qwazse]

Not going to repeat the advice above, but add to it.

• If you think you are the best guy for the position, the COR deserves to know you think he made a mistake. Aside from that, don't waste words.
• If you're concerned about they saw something unlikable in you and didn't tell you, and you could ask for an explanation, but -- only if you think you'd be willing to change.
• Your son will understand that you didn't get picked to be captain. It happens in school all the time.
• In fact, most folks around the district would understand that as well. So don't feel like your good name has been tarnished in any way.
• Definitely shoot for those precious weekends with your son! (Involve the Mrs., as much as she's willing.) As an SM, you would actually have fewer of those than you think.

[Eagledad]

Yes, I got it the first time. How ever you decide to respond, keep the topic on the expectations and the circumstances. Don't point fingers, mention names and don't make it me against the world. If you can't do that, than no response is better than a scorched earth response. Everyone lives in the same community, so maintain your dignity and integrity. 

 

Barry

[Renax127]

@@Renax127 I read this last night before bed. Re-reading it this AM I'm thinking that you should have a meeting with the guys that made BOTH decisions. Ask them what gives. Why the change? Which decision are they going to stick with and why? They OWE you that. This is Scouting and they need to come clean and be honest. @@Stosh is right, even if they give you an answer it's likely time to move.

 

It appears "loyal" is not in someone's vocabulary, so let's hope the other 11 points are. They owe you an explanation otherwise how can you answer you son? I'd hold them to that. Face to face, man to man. My two cents.

The CC and SM were the ones that told me after the cross over yesterday, the reason they gave was the other guy decided he wanted the job now after not wanting it before. It was made clear they didn't like the idea of me trying to make it a patrol method, boy led troop. There might have been something else involved I don't know, heck maybe some parent complained that I was too rough/demanding on their kid, which I will admit I might have done.

[Renax127]

Yes, I got it the first time. How ever you decide to respond, keep the topic on the expectations and the circumstances. Don't point fingers, mention names and don't make it me against the world. If you can't do that, than no response is better than a scorched earth response. Everyone lives in the same community, so maintain your dignity and integrity. 

 

Barry

I have no intention of making a stink of any kind, I've seen the adult drama screw up too many troops/packs and ruin Scouting for families to do that. Anything I have to say will be to the involved parties alone.

 

Part of me thinking about leaving is understanding that I might not be able to maintain that because of the way things were handled and mostly because of the person I am.

[Stosh]

The CC and SM were the ones that told me after the cross over yesterday, the reason they gave was the other guy decided he wanted the job now after not wanting it before. It was made clear they didn't like the idea of me trying to make it a patrol method, boy led troop. There might have been something else involved I don't know, heck maybe some parent complained that I was too rough/demanding on their kid, which I will admit I might have done.

 

This is one of the big pit-falls of a boy-led program.  The parents will not find the developing youth leadership condusive to a quick end-run to Eagle.  The troop will look "messy" and chaotic most of the time and will be misunderstood.  I was asked to leave a troop where this happened.  The biggest complainer was the parent of the unmedicated ADHD boy who ran the most successful popcorn sale the troop had ever had, while at the same time held the position of PL of the older boys.  The reason I was given for dismissal was I expected to much leadership from the boys.  The scout became "disruptive" and was also asked to leave 4 months after the adults took over control of the troop once again.

 

Boys with the knowledge of managment and use of those skills are acceptable in our culture.  Boys who are confident, dynamic and charismatic with leadership are not.  Adults can say, "Follow me, Boys!"  A boy can't.

[desertrat77]

Stosh's assessment is correct.    Society has tried its best to stifle confident leadership.   It's the age of the manager now.