UPDATE on the "Tired and lonely Assistant Scoutmaster"

[jamist649]

Several months back, I wrote about my problem of being the "long ranger" in adult leadership in my son's Troop. I signed on as the ONLY ASM (we only have 5 kids at the time) back in 2012. Long story short, we're now MUCH larger (20+ Scouts) with only one (1) additional leader. Over the past few months, we have begged the parents for help with everything from advancement, fundraising, help at camps, and a myriad of other issues. We got plenty of "I'll do all I can to help you, BUT...", but those promises of help either never happened or were severely lacking. I held on for months, literally hating every meeting because of the lack of parental support coupled with the COMPLAINTS from parents for what I consider minor issues (choice of weekends to camp, meeting times, adherence to policy). Well, yesterday I reached my breaking point. I received a text message from a parent (I won't go into details) making an OUTLANDISH DEMAND for her son because he wasn't going to be able to make camp this weekend (after signing up weeks ago) because he "wanted to do something else". I didn't respond to the parent. I called the SM and the other ASM and told them I was done...finished, quitting, out of it, stick a fork in me. I have negotiated this into an at least 2-3 month leave of absence. I did not attend tonight's meeting and I sent the Troops financial records, checkbook, debit card, advancement records, and other business records with my son to hand over to the SM which he did. I feel...conflicted. On one hand I feel as though a weight of 1K pounds has been lifted, on another I am worried for my son who has never gone to the first Scout event without me, on yet another (no I don't have three hands but...) I feel like I've lit a match and set fire to a house that I have helped build only to watch it burn to the ground. Now comes the wait and see mode.

[sst3rd]

jamist649,

 

If the PLC is handling what they should be handling, you adults can only support their program in a limited way. Don't allow yourselves to be overloaded. Chill. The program has to be simplified as needed, to account for the limited parent support. Work with the PLC in planning a great weekly troop meeting program, that leads up to fun and exciting camping trips, and don't look back. As long as the Scouts pay for the camping trips the meeting before the event, nobody loses money. Then, if and when a scouts bails on a trip, it's his loss.

I'd love to have 20+ Scouts, but would still have to support a fairly simple program as I too have just a couple of committed leaders. Get the parents involved in at least transportation. After that, the troop's program will always be limited by the lack of parents willing to take on the basic roles of leaders and committee. Until more parents see the relationship between more adult leaders and a full scout program, you keep things simple. When the Scouts want more program, parents will start to see the light. Be patient.

 

sst3rd

[Stosh]

Don't take this in a negative light, but anytime 1 adult tries to do the work of 20+ boys, he/she will burn out! How much responsibility should have been turned over to the boys to carry their fair share of the 1K pounds? Well, now they're going to find out. A gradual transition over the past year might have been easier, but the all or nothing approach of doing it all at one is going to be difficult but not impossible for the boys.

 

Stosh

[Torchwood]

ASM should NEVER be in charge of the financial operations of a Troop, That is the job of the CC and Troop Committee. If a parent has a complaint, they need to step up and sign on to do something. If a Scout doesn't want to go camping, he needs to tell his PL and SM himself. This is Boy Scouts- the boys are supposed to be doing this stuff with counsel from the leaders. If the parents won't help- the boys need to do some of the outreach to get their support. They need to tell their parents that without proper support, the Troop can't function. It is a more convincing argument coming from their own kids than just one more message from the SM or ASM.

 

That begin said- good for you for taking a break before just completely giving up. Now that you are "out", you can step back in with conditions- the first of which is that the Troop MUST have an operational Troop Committee by the next recharter. I am curious how you have handled the charter paperwork up to now, since you shouldn't be on the program side and the org side at the same time.

 

Figure out for yourself and your family what level of involvement you think you will be comfortable with going forward, and stick to it. Use the influence you have to right the ship as a condition of continued involvement and eventually, the Troop will thank you for what you have done.

[JasonG172]

Sorry Jamist649 - I think you made the wrong decision. Agreed, you shouldn't be handling Finances. I think your goal should be organizing the committee and finding suitable people. GOAL 1 Support Staff

[Cambridgeskip]

Moving away from the detail of the case it's worth remembering that sometimes to fix something you have to allow it break first. If you keep muddling through then quite often nothing will be done. Step away. Let the troop fall over if necessary. When that happens things have an uncanny way of working themselves out, typically when someone steps into the breach and does it properly.

[SeattlePioneer]

Sounds like you made a reasonable decision.

 

 

Perhaps this will cause other parents to step forward and start making needed contributions. If not, is there another troop in your area which you son might be interested in joining?

[jamist649]

Thank you for your replies. It's been a very difficult week, I have almost broke down a couple of time and called the SM to let him know I'm going camping...but I didn't. I HAVE TO break away. To answer a few questions and comments:

 

SST3rd: We have NO PLC! That's the problem. We have an SPL, and ASPL, SPLs, and every other position but they do not meet. The PARENTS can't get together on when would be a convenient time for them to meet (most of ours kids are not driving age). Most business is handled inside the meeting. This is something that needs to be worked on.

 

Jblake47: I have tried to turn over the work to the boys, but it doesn't get done. We arrive for camps with no food or supplies. Meetings get cancelled, and things fall apart. Again, PARENTAL NON SUPPORT issue. They simply don't care. Much more interested in (fill in the blank)ball and other stuff.

 

Torchwood: I agree. We have no committee. We have no parents that will serve on the committee. Plus, the SM has such a uh.."strong" personality that the parents don't really want to get involved. Let me lay out my duties up until just a few days ago: Advancement, finance, food procurement for camp after menus were made, transportation arrangement, ordered and collected for Class B uniforms (Ts and sweats), Tour Permits, Recharter, advertising for upcoming fundraising, securing space for fundraising, printing flyers, ordering awards, mainlining Badgetracker,maintaining the Troop's Facebook page, sending out email and text alerts to parents about upocoming events (multiple times), paying bills, camping (never missed one, until this weekend), taught a few merit badges along the way, and whatever else needs doing. All of this and I work a full-time, 40+ hour per week job with rotating shifts and I pull "on call" often. Yeah, a committee would be nice...and there will be one in place before I return.

 

JasonG172: Uh, ok. I respect your opinion that I did the wrong thing by stepping away, but there aint enough organization in the world to fix our "committee". See above: We're frickin pathetic.

 

CambridgeSkip/Seattle Pioneer: Agreed, and Thanks.

 

My son just got back from camp earlier this evening. First time in 8 years going without me. It was an overall good experience with a few bumps in the road. Pretty much, he thought since Dad wasn't there he could slack off. This information was passed along to me by one of the adults that went. We just finished a serious talk on responsibility.

[qwazse]

That's good news about your son! (Nobody wants to here a bad report, but it's good to know you have folks tell you straight.) He's comfortable with his buddies and you can count on him to keep experiencing scouting with minimal tears. Parents do need to step up. Eventually you will find the one or two things that you do best and let the other 10 fall by the wayside. Every parent and boy has to decide to do the same.

[DuctTape]

jamist... You need to do do what you must. After your update, it doesn't even sound like Boy Scouts. Sure the Council will accept the $ and the charter, but what you describe sounds more like a couple of adults trying to run a boys camping club which parents view similarly to little league.. It is a shame National, councils, and districts allow this to happen to troops. I support your decision.

 

Now some advice. Scouting at its core is the Patrol, not the troop. With no support from the troop or other parents, start with your son. Get him a copy of the Patrol Leaders handbook (current and an older one), and together learn how a patrol is supposed to operate. If he isn't a patrol leader encourage him to work with his patrol leader to develop patrol activities and follow the structure of Scouting using the Patrol Method. Start at the core of scouting to help your son, his patrol and maybe the troop.

[JasonG172]

 

JasonG172: Uh, ok. I respect your opinion that I did the wrong thing by stepping away, but there aint enough organization in the world to fix our "committee". See above: We're frickin pathetic.

 

 

 

Yours is just as much as a joke as mine. And you believe leaving makes it any better? Sorry, find another unit or stick around and make this one better. All we have is TIME! You cant reach anyone at home

[qwazse]

JG172, although I respect your enthusiasm, sometimes taking a step back is the best strategy. Does it mean fewer youth get served? It could. But it could also means that fewer scouts have to look at a burned-out ASM and say "Gee, I'm never gonna volunteer and wind up like him."

 

Doing all those things for the committee meant j649 was doing less and less for the boys. Worse, it sounds like he was an easy mark for parents who lacked the stones to deal with the SM. That's a bad place to be. It's one thing if parents aren't stepping up ... you just reduce the number of activities ... it's another if they are not stepping up and criticizing the SM/ASMs for how they choose to take up the slack.

[JasonG172]

JG172' date=' It could. But it could also means that fewer scouts have to look at a burned-out ASM and say "Gee, I'm never gonna volunteer and wind up like [i']him[/i]."

 

 

Oh I totally agree, I have a SM just like that! I don't believe he is burnt out but I do believe he is tired of doing others work.

[jamist649]

qwazse: You hit the nail squarely on the head. I often found myself as referee between our extremely outspoken (yet very thin skinned) SM and parents who want to complain but didn't have the fortitude to deal with him. He was genuinely puzzled the other day when I told him I was stepping down. He had/has no idea the flack that I "screen" for him. The parents who want to complain but will blow my phone up while he rests comfortably at home.

[qwazse]

j649, we had this dynamic that didn't settle down until after SM's changed guard. Then the gripers realized that things weren't changing and we didn't care, and they found the door. (Unlike you, we had a core group of adults who still carried their weight.)

 

Son #1 was old enough to pick up on what was happening, and eventually asked me why I put up with his SM. I simply said, "There are a lot of people who will try to sweet-talk you into resenting the sour-pusses. Bottom line: respect who does the work. Anyone else is just blowing smoke."