Is divorce bad for children

[Stosh]

Exactly. I know the pain first hand and it stinks. Mom left at 7' date=' then had a miserable selfish Witch of a step mom who left at 14. Good for nothing Boomers. Didn't realize it at the time but that &:{^}}#Â¥{^ was toxic and had to go. Made me real gun shy of marriage. Made my wife wait 4 years before I proposed.[/quote']

 

Kinda makes one wonder what these two people who dearly love each other standing before the judge or clergy are really thinking about beyond the wedding night. I don't think divorce is the problem. It's only a symptom of a more serious problem. It's the expectations of commitment that people can't seem to get their heads around.

 

Women marry men in the hopes they change. Men marry women in the hopes they don't. Oh, the children? Well, they are just collateral damage, they'll get over it.

 

Stosh

[AZMike]

The collapse of marriage as the institution in which children are properly born and raised has created a very gun-shy generation of young men, especially among the urban and rural lower classes. I spoke with a 28-year male (hard to described him as a "man") who had multiple kids by multiple young women, did not provide any financial support for them to speak of, but still spoke fatuously of his "kids." I asked him if he planned to marry the latest girl, and he looked at me like I had proposed that he sprout wings and fly to the moon. "Oh, no...I'm really not ready for that!" I felt like shaking him and asking when he WOULD be ready.

 

And really, if a young man is poor and looking to better his position in life, he should get married. One of the few avenues of advancement for a young man with no money (along with avoiding dope and alcohol and neck tattoos) is to increase his social network (and not on Twitter). When you commit to a young woman and promise to support her and raise a family and give her your name, society looks at you differently. You are probably less likely to be laid off by your boss. You are probably more likely to be promoted or get a raise. You're seen as an adult, finally, by other men who consider themselves adults. And her family will be more likely to help you out if they see you as her husband and the father and support of their grandchild, instead of the shiftless lout who knocked up their little girl and now only shows up on Saturdays and Christmas. For those constantly living on the edge of financial disaster, that's huge. That may make the difference between getting a loan to fix your car to get to work, or at least a ride from her dad.

[packsaddle]

We are so quick to stereotype and pigeonhole other people. When I was very, very young the neighbor boy was violent and malicious. I learned later that his father beat his mother regularly in front of him and his brother. Both of them ended up in prison. That family moved away and the next family was also in a committed marriage. He was an alcoholic and the mother of their four children fought with him almost constantly. This was not simple bickering but violently screaming so that neighbors four houses away could hear it through the closed windows. All of us were children together and sometimes the fight would erupt while we were all playing together. The impact to those children was devastating and the parents seemed completely oblivious. Today all of them are either in jail, mental facilities or else unable to function and on some sort of disability

 

.[i am still in touch with most of them. Last Christmas I found a photo that I had taken of their family posing at Christmas in front of the tree. I scanned it and sent it to them. It was the only photo any of them had ever had of their entire family. I had taken such things for granted]

 

Then after many years passed, I reflect on the lesbian couple who more recently lived across the street from us and who provided a loving and caring family for their adopted children. Those children are now at college and doing just fine.

I have to marvel at the lengths we go to justify the sanctity of the one and demonize the other. Prejudice, ugly prejudice.

 

OTOH, I guess if someone needs a transmission rebuild, marriage might be the ticket. Chalk one up for sincerity and honor, not to mention a strong marriage....NOT.

[Eagledad]

I have to marvel at the lengths we go to justify the sanctity of the one and demonize the other. Prejudice' date=' ugly prejudice. .[/quote'] I disagree. I think we have experienced enough of life to know the difference between cultural dogma and reality. Somebody has to be a grownup. But your post raise a good point, I marvel at the lengths anger will drive folks deeper in despair even when they know it's wrong. Barry

[Stosh]

One can always cite personal stories of people they knew/know who work it out or don't work it out. In my broken family I have one son who has disconnected himself totally from the family and last I heard was still doing the drug scene. My daughter graduated Valedictorian of her class. So, how does that swing the trends? Sure one can apply examples of how heterosexual groupings don't work out and homosexual groupings do. It really doesn't do much for the problem except politicize it. The problem is not the issue of family, community, or whatever, it's an issue of personal responsibility towards a relationship.

 

Abusers have adopted a certain lifestyle and are in no hurry to make any changes. It works for them. It doesn't make much difference if it's physical abuse, emotional abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, financial/gambling abuse, you name it, it's the result of someone not committed to a relationship. It's total narcissism. It happens in families, it happens in marriages, it happens in dating, it happens in the work force. You name it, there's someone out there that is basically looking out for themselves and their next punch, fix, drink, target, etc.

 

Like the male who took no responsibility, and plans on taking no responsibility for his children. Does it make any difference what kind of an abuser he is. The problem is not the abuse, the problem is this guy is totally into only himself that he has no interest in any thing that doesn't makes him content with the world. Everything around him is collateral damage.

 

The first assumption in any relationship is the people involved care about other people. It applies to communities, teams, families, marriages, dating, brotherhoods, even gangs, etc.

 

I've done enough professional counseling in my lifetime to know that unless someone is really committed to correcting their abusive behavior, they have no intention of ever trying. It never has anything to do with "loving" someone else, it's basically nothing more than looking out for oneself and finding people around that will help them in that process.

 

Stosh

 

[AZMike]

We are so quick to stereotype and pigeonhole other people. .

 

Glad you included yourself in that population of us stereotyping, pigeonholing offenders.