Tired, lonely ASM

[jamist649]

I signed on as Cubmaster when my son was a Bear back in 2009. Since then, we grew the Pack to the largest levels it had seen in quite some time, followed by a membership and activity boost in the Troop that he went to (I signed on as the ONLY ASM when he crossed over). It's now 2014, he's a recently promoted "Star" Scout who LOVES the program. I, on the other hand, have had a very tough year. Job loss and change, lost out home and now just getting back into a new one, family trouble, and a myriad of other issues that I finally have overcome and finally getting back on my feet over. During this time, the parents have given me NO slack. The Scoutmaster is more of a big Scout, he's never prepared, he doesn't follow the schedule, and he doesn't hold his own son to our rules. The parents (even while I was in the throws of unemployment and financial and family distress) would throw "ideas" at me but offer NO help on getting them done. Fundraising attempts were flat (due to lack of parental concern, so the Scouts followed suit) but this didn't stop the "ideas" from coming. Example: "Hey Dude, let's go camping three states away and do activity x, y, and z!" Cost: About $2,000..."ideas" on getting it paid for: (Cricket, cricket). Then they had the nerve to COMPLAIN (behind my back of course) that the Troop is flat broke as if it was my problem. When we camp I often find myself ALONE at camp (YP issue, I know) because my "helpers" will get up in the morning, get THIER son off to an activity and LEAVE for the rest of the day (including the Scoutmaster). The quick answer to my problem is to leave and find another unit...I know. BUT, my son enjoys the group that he's with and he wants to get to Eagle. So, I keep putting myself aside to pave a way for him to do that...but I'm exhausted. Parental Meetings have been no success, they simply don't come...or they agree to help and don't. I also play second fiddle to EVERY OTHER YOUTH activity on the planet (Johnny has basketball scrimmage so he can't make your meeting that you've planned hours for and announced months ago). What would you do???

[Scouter99]

Write your issues down, explain them in a polite but frank manner at the next committee meeting, and let them know which things are not your job and that you're not going to be doing them anymore as of (one month later) and that's how long they have to find replacements or those things you're carrying on your own just won't happen anymore.

[qwazse]

First of all, thank you for your service to our boys. And where your gonna get any juice to carry on. Those aren't just your boys your tending to. Your troop needs help. Your not getting it from those parents, your best bet is to ask around other troops for an ASM, maybe a reliable 18-20 year old, to help you on outings with the YP issue.

[scoutergipper]

I emphathize, and wish I lived in your area, as I'd show up to help you out. What you're doing is really important, and it is appreciated even though it probably seems otherwise a lot of the time.

 

Your Troop seems to me to have wayyyy too much Adult involvement in the wrong areas. The Scouts should be deciding where and when they camp. If the Adults can't pay the freight, and the Scouts won't raise the money, guess what? Everyone stays home. I don't suspect it would take too many "getting really excited followed by complete failure/disappointment" for them to get the message.

 

I agree with qwazse - you need to find "helpers" that can deal with the logistical issues you're facing. Another local Troop or Crew may be able to assign an older Scout as a Troop Guide or ASM. Normally a Troop will have a few Adults (about 10 percent) who will do something. Sounds like you're on the low end of that average. If there are any Adults that you've found will do something, have lunch or coffee with them and see if they'll come on board.

[Austinole]

I don't have any answers for you but I can say, you are not alone.

[desertrat77]

I think I've walked a mile in your shoes, both in scouting and my career....

 

One of the toughest things I've learned in life is to say "no" to organizations and people, even worthy causes. I learned the hard way at one point, because trying to be all things, to all people, nearly cost me everything--health, family, career.

 

A frank talk with the adults of the troop might help, but I seriously doubt it would change anything. A short flurry of appreciation, but then back to the ways things were.

 

I'd recommend taking a six month hiatus from your ASM duties. Be firm, don't let them talk you out of it. The troop won't fall apart. Sure, there will be lots of inefficiency and such, but it will wake up some parents and the SM.

 

Of course, the adults will try to talk you out of it. Stick to your guns. Take that time to get the other areas of your life squared away. Rediscover hobbies. Go for a walk for the sheer enjoyment of it.

 

Best wishes.

 

 

[perdidochas]

Desertrat77 gives good advice. Take a break from beign ASM. It gives you a little break, and your work will either be greatly appreciated in your absence, the troop will fall apart, or somebody else will do it. My guess is that you will be appreciated in your absence, but somebody will step up. If they don't, the troop might fall apart, but if that's the case, it should fall apart.

[GeorgiaMom]

First, thank you for all your hard work for the boys. I completely sympathize with you, as I wore six hats myself last year and totally burned out.

 

Our district summer camp had a great idea for their camp week signup sheet that I wish our pack would use (but won't). Maybe you will find it useful.

 

The summer camp organizers have decided that they must have one committed parent helper for each four Scouts attending from a pack. Their signup form has staggered lines that make it very clear that you can't sign up campers 5-8 until you signup adult helper #2. It also states that Scouts of no-show adults will be banned from future camps.

 

You are being mistreated by the other adults (again, I've been there). It is terrible when you feel on the hook to pick up the slack for the parents of dozens of other campers to avoid disappointing your own child. This might be a way around the problem.

 

Sign yourself up as the first helper, sign your kid up as the first camper, and after the first three other campers, just shrug your shoulders at the parent of camper #5 and tell them that "troop policy" requires a 1:4 adult/Scout ratio for the event. And stick to it.

 

Good luck, sorry this is happening to you,

 

GA Mom

[GeorgiaMom]

I second the idea of putting the planning and the financing squarely in the court of the Scouters and their parents. I doubt most parents will be motivated to pay, volunteer, and/or fund raise to be considerate of you (unfortunately), but they might be motivated in order to avoid disappointing their own child.

 

Ga Mom

[boomerscout]

I agree with what has been said. Announce a two month leave of absence. Tell them you need to fit in with new job and to get new home squared away. Well, a month and a half anyway. Also inform as needed that you are not in charge of fund-raising. Whenever someone suggests a camping trip immediately respond with "Sounds good. When can you start the troop's fundraising program to make it happen?" Make this a constant & immediate response.

[qwazse]

First, thank you for all your hard work for the boys. I completely sympathize with you, as I wore six hats myself last year and totally burned out.

 

Our district summer camp had a great idea for their camp week signup sheet that I wish our pack would use (but won't). Maybe you will find it useful.

 

The summer camp organizers have decided that they must have one committed parent helper for each four Scouts attending from a pack. Their signup form has staggered lines that make it very clear that you can't sign up campers 5-8 until you signup adult helper #2. It also states that Scouts of no-show adults will be banned from future camps.

 

You are being mistreated by the other adults (again, I've been there). It is terrible when you feel on the hook to pick up the slack for the parents of dozens of other campers to avoid disappointing your own child. This might be a way around the problem.

 

Sign yourself up as the first helper, sign your kid up as the first camper, and after the first three other campers, just shrug your shoulders at the parent of camper #5 and tell them that "troop policy" requires a 1:4 adult/Scout ratio for the event. And stick to it.

 

Good luck, sorry this is happening to you,

 

GA Mom

Well, with Boy Scouts an Venturing the ratio is 1:10 with a minimum of 2. But you have a point. I would suggest the SPL be responsible for collecting those signatures. Slots for boys don't open up until you have two adult slots filled. Then only open the number of slots for boys as the adults say they have numbers of seats.

 

On a big-ticket adventures, slots are only opened when money is put down. If you bail, YOU DON'T GET BACK THE MONEY YOU PAID IN. You can sell your slot to somebody else -- presumably for what you paid, but that's none of the troop treasurer's business. If you don't sell your slot, you are at the mercy of the troop who may offer that slot to some discount so that the adventure moves forward.

 

But, that all starts with accountability from the SM on down. Here, j649 is in the unenviable position of watching a train-wreck, feeling responsible, but having little time/$/energy to do much about it.

[jamist649]

Thanks for the suggestions. I LOVE the idea of a "leave of absence". I hadn't thought about that. I genuinely COULD use the time for the new job, home, etc. Our Troop is good-sized for our area (soon to be 13 boys) so to be sure SOMEBODY will step up. If not...well, I don't know. That's what I'm afraid of, my Son is the reason I'm doing this anyway and if the Troop folds I'm going to feel like I destroyed one of his prized possessions, for my own benefit. Darn, this is hard...

[desertrat77]

Thanks for the suggestions. I LOVE the idea of a "leave of absence". I hadn't thought about that. I genuinely COULD use the time for the new job, home, etc. Our Troop is good-sized for our area (soon to be 13 boys) so to be sure SOMEBODY will step up. If not...well, I don't know. That's what I'm afraid of, my Son is the reason I'm doing this anyway and if the Troop folds I'm going to feel like I destroyed one of his prized possessions, for my own benefit. Darn, this is hard...

It will be there when you get back. Trust me. Take care and let us know how it goes.

[jc2008]

Thanks for the suggestions. I LOVE the idea of a "leave of absence". I hadn't thought about that. I genuinely COULD use the time for the new job, home, etc. Our Troop is good-sized for our area (soon to be 13 boys) so to be sure SOMEBODY will step up. If not...well, I don't know. That's what I'm afraid of, my Son is the reason I'm doing this anyway and if the Troop folds I'm going to feel like I destroyed one of his prized possessions, for my own benefit. Darn, this is hard...

I wouldn't worry too much about that. If for some reason it DOES fold, you seem perfectly capable of starting a new troop (Im sure your DE would love to help you :).

Then the parents/boys would enter the troop by your rules, which makes expectations a lot easier to demand.

[jamist649]

Has it been this long?! Wow...**UPDATE**

 

Well, not MUCH has changed but I do have a little bit of good news to report. The Troop, which started in 2012 with 5 boys, is now up to 18. The "new" parents have been a bit more supportive but I still find myself wearing several "hats" as our committee is mostly a committee in name only. One of the new parents just happened to come to us from another local Troop where he wasn't happy with the lack of activity and the (what he felt was) too strict advancement policies. This new parent signed on as our 2nd ASM (I was/am the 1st). He is awesome. Eagle Scout, Woodbadge, etc. He's been great. The downside of this is the SM has seen his arrival as his opportunity to treat the Troop as an afterthought. He (the SM) has joined OTHER community organizations and volunteered for more activities at school which takes him away from the Troop...A LOT. So, we find ourselves running the Troop with 2 leaders (ASMs) and 18 kids. Nonetheless, my son will receive his "Life" badge next month and wants to immediately begin working toward Eagle. Our goal (his, not mine...promise) is to be Eagle by the Summer of 2015...and THEN, Brothers and Sisters, I AM retiring.