Now what do we do?

[NeilLup]

Exceedingly interesting, exceedingly powerful thread.

 

I did see a post on another BSA mailing list a couple of years ago about whether it's appropriate for an 16 year old Eagle Scout's girlfriend and their son to attend his Eagle Scout Court of Honor.

 

In all the posts here, I don't think that I've read about conversations with the one person most involved -- the Scout himself.

 

Scouting, particularly Boy Scouting, is a kid's program. By becoming a father, this boy removes himself from the status of "kid" from many points of view. But not all. He still is an adolescent, still immature, and in particular need of help with citizenship, character and fitness over the next several days, months and years.

 

I would consider carefully what my community and sponsor would accept because it isn't fair to anyone to make an arrangement with the boy and then have external pressures force me to renege on it.

 

Then, I would hold a Scoutmaster's Conference with the boy. He is probably pretty scared, feeling very lonely, very ashamed and feeling that life is exceedingly unfair because he "got caught" while his friends that do the same thing (or at least brag about it) have no penalties.

 

I would talk with him about his changed situation and those things that he can now control and those that he cannot. I would talk about the Scout Oath and Law and his responsibilities, particularly now that there is a new life for which he will have lifelong responsibility.

 

I would discuss with him how he plans to discharge those responsibilities and try to lay out with him a reasonable plan to enable Scouting to be a meaningful influence in his life. I would talk with him about what being a leader now means to him, in his life and in that part which is Scouting. I would talk about his responsibilities in the Troop and what they now should be. He could, for example, be a Troop Instructor if that is appropriate.

 

It isn't exactly like a person convicted of DUI having to give talks, but I could see this young man being a powerful influence when older boys in the Troop begin to talk about sex and he quietly says "Believe me, you don't want to do that."

 

He has made a serious mistake and also, quite frankly, was unlucky. But if we ostracize him, we are sending a message to all concerned about how mistakes are handled. To me at least, that is strongly out of line with "A Scout is Friendly" and "A Scout is Kind."

 

We had a young woman who was a superb Wood Badge staff member who had become pregnant unmarried at 17. It was exceedingly powerful when, in the discussion of meaningful experiences, she discussed why it happened and what it meant to her.

 

Give the boy a chance and help in chart his own path which now will be very different from what he had expected. Don't be surprised if he needs to redo his plans a number of times as his life proceeds. I suspect that all of us who are parents were stunned at the change in our life and expections which becoming a parent represented.

 

Scouting is for all, not just for the perfect.

[matuawarrior]

I've been debating for days if I should post or just continue to lurk around. I've read all the posts in the relating two other threads. This is not easy nor is there any correct solution to this situation. I started the "unwed mom-leader" thread a couple of months ago.

 

To think that the other Scouts don't know, you're only kidding yourself. They knew before you even found out. To hide it, just tells them that you may not be able to deal with it and it does tell them it is okay. This situation has to be dealt with at all levels of the unit: From the PLC, Committee, Unit leaders, and Charter Organization.

 

I feel for everyone involved. But especially for the volunteer leaders because your in the middle. You'll have parents who don't want this Scout around because of the bad example he set and the impression that he may have on their own kids. You'll have others who say he should stay because he can still learn the values that Scouting has to offer.

 

We're taught to deliver the program but nobody tells us what to do when this situation arises. Council/District tells us "It's up to the Charter Organization."

 

I agree with BW and KS that you would need to find out what the Scout wants to do, how he expects to deal with his new responsiblity, and how he will get the help he needs, but get his parents involved. His life has just changed and in a few months it's not going to get any easier. My experience, with "Unwed Mom" after the baby was born, was She stopped attending meetings and activities. She is to busy to do anything else.

 

I believe that the Scout should still be supported by helping him find resources outside the troop that can help him deal with this situation: Spiritual Leaders, teen pregnancy groups, Crisis Centers, etc.

 

Don't be afraid to tell the Scout that you are disappointed in his actions. Let him know how you feel and then move on from there. To not say anything will give the impression that it is okay.

 

The greatest thing you can do for this Scout is to Listen and provide Guidance. As Eamonn stated, Scouting is not just for the Good Kids.

 

 

Matua

 

 

(This message has been edited by matuawarrior)

[OutdoorThinker]

I am not going to try ot pretend I have the answers for this situation, because it's definately a tough issue. I for one couldnt imagine having a child as a sophomore in college, let alone a sophomore in high school. I would certainly hope, however, that I could still turn to the adults in my life that I trust for guidance if I were to make that mistake or any other mistake. Some of these adults would include adults in and around my troop and crew.

[Campfire Fairy]

Like OT, I don't have an answer, only my humble opinion. I firmly believe that this scout should NOT be asked to leave the troop. I'm sure it is a terrifying experience and to have any solid rock of support in this time would mean the world to him. I can't even begin to imagine the shock and remorse and the myriad of other emotions the father-to-be would be feeling, and to insist he leave Boy Scouting would only add more pressure and strain to an already-stressful situation. Like many others have already written, this boy probably needs Boy Scouts now more than ever.

 

While I agree with OGE that this scout isn't the ideal role model among the rest of the troop, just because he got a girl pregnant doesn't mean it's going to become the latest craze. If I were a leader in this situation, I would listen without judging when the scout needed to talk. And to deal with the rest of the troop, I would have a talk with them about the consequences of these actions. They say knowledge is power... well, give it to 'em. Granted, some boys may not be mature enough to deal with this situation politely, but you probably won't need to worry about those particular boys being copycats, either then.

 

And though I may not have ever been a boy scout until I joined Ventures, I am familiar with the Boy Scout Oath and the Law and such. Perhaps the Scout Oath says a scout is "morally straight," but does it not also state that a scout will "help others at all times?"

 

[Zahnada]

I believe Hunt brought up an interesting point that was overlooked.

 

What is the actual issue? Is it that this boy has gotten someone pregnant or that he was having premarital sex?

 

As Hunt said, the pregnancy is a consequence of a poor decision. But how many other boys are also making that same decision without the consequence?

 

As a hypothetical (that has actually happened to me, and probably some others), what if you walk up on a group of boys who are talking. They don't notice your pressence. You hear one of the boys talking (or bragging) about his sexual exploits. Should he be disciplined or removed from the troop? It's a tough situation.

 

I agree with KoreaScouter that a middle ground must be found between sweeping this incident under the rug and making this boy wear the scarlett letter. I personally think that if he wants to stay in the troop, he should be welcome.

[Proud Eagle]

Yikes, this is a tricky and troubling situation.

 

I may have missed it at the start, but I don't think I noticed anything that spelled out what the young couple and their parents have decided to do about the pregnancy. Are they keeping the child? Is it being placed up for addoption? Or (and this is quite literally stomach turning to even sugest) have they chose to kill the child?

 

The answer to that question makes a very significant difference in this. Without knowing the arrangements that are being made I certainly can't offer much in the way of specifics.

 

OK. That being said, I will offer what thoughts I do have.

 

1. CO- Seek the guidance of the CO. I would consult both the COR and IH. Even if they don't have an opinion about keeping him as a member (and they might), they can still offer advice on this matter. They can provide guidance for how to handle this with the boy, his family, the committee, other boys, and other parents. All of these things should be done in accordance with the wished of the CO.

 

2. You may wish to consider seeking guidance from the larger Scouting community. However this should be limited to people you trust and who you think will actually be able to offer useful advice.

 

3. This is certainly a matter that the committee must know about to some degree. If the boy is staying they will need to be informed and consulted to a greater degree. Keep their wishes in mind.

 

4. Consult with the parents of the boy. Determine what their wishes are. Work out what role, if any, Scouting will play in the future life of their son. This would be a great time to recommend any services you know of, or make offers for quiet individual support for the family. Once some sort of general agreement that is within the wishes of the CO, the scope of the BSA program, and seems likely to be approved by the unit committee is reached by with the parents you should procede.

 

5. The parents of the other Scouts must be informed to the degree appropriate to the specific situtation. They may have objections to the corse of action chosen. Their concerns should be taken into account. They will also be the final determiner of how the situation is handled with their son. Some may choose to leave, others may wish to handle it as a parent-son lesson, and others may prefer the Troop address the issue openly as a unit. This may require some modification of the plan.

 

6. There should be a Scoutmaster Conference with the boy involved. Both the Oath and Law and how is actions that caused this pregnancy, and how he is reacting to it should be discussed. Discussion of how to handle the subject with other members of the Troop should be included. Any guidance to be offered about other support available would be appropriate. Creating a plan for the Scouts future involvement (if any) should be carefully crafted.

 

7. The issue must then be addressed with the other Scouts. The way to do this will likely be after these other steps are completed. Though it may be necessary to address the issue in a more aggressive way. (i.e. If all of the Scouts are talking about what happened to Johnny at one of the meetings before the outlined process is complete it would be necessary to address the issue immediately in some way. Perhaps having the Scouts contemplate what the Scout Oath and Law says about premarital sex, and how to handle a difficult situation, would be appropriate.)

 

 

OK. All that being said here are some things that should be remembered throughout the process.

 

1. By becoming a father this Scout is no longer a boy in the true since. By choosing to engage in such an adult act he has opened himself to adult consequences.

 

2. You must consider how to best balance the needs of the many against the needs of the few.

 

3. You must respect the privacy of the mother, father, and their families to the greatest extent possible.

 

4. The Scouts will find out if they don't know already. Even if the family moves to Alaska and pretends it never happened the other Scouts will know. Don't pretend that they don't know.

 

5. Consider the possibility that the Troop is not what this boy needs. He may need other things more than the Troop. The best thing you could do might be to lead him to groups and services that will better serve him than the Scouting program can. (Was BSA meant to develope teenage fathers? No Are there service for that purpose? Yes)

 

6. Allow for the posibilty that even if the troop has something to offer this boy, that his new responsibilities, and the Oath and Law, may require he spend his time and energy in other pursuits. He may be better off working to support the child, or taking more classes, or actually spending time with the child instead of the Troop. Scouting may not be the answer to this problem.

 

Now, a few last points.

 

If I overheard some of the Scouts in my troop bragging about sexual conquests or some such thing I would be deeply saddaned. I know it is possible that some of them are sexually active. I also know some of them may choose to talk about it to other Scouts if they are. I would say I would have to seriously consider taking some sort of action in that case. It is this very sort of bragging that leads to someone thinking it is ok to do something that turns them into a 15 year old father. I don't think I could ignore that. I would certainly feel compelled to discuss it with the Scouts proclamining to be sexually active. I would probably also address it with the others in the context of the Oath and Law. It could even require a similar response to that required in the case of the 15 year old father. After all, the same act is involved. The case of the bragging teen has the added problem of promoting the behavior.

 

I must say I hope I never have to deal with this issue. However it seem likely that eventually at least dealing with the sexually active Scout, or the bragging Scout, will be an issue.

[OldGreyEagle]