How to handle harrassment

[Basementdweller]

I seem to remember reading as I skimmed over the thread, that he was originally staying so he could finish his duties as scribe. Seems like an honorable thing to do.

I can also sympathize with the idea that he's got friends there, and a lot of history if he's worked all the way up to his eagle BOR.... and yes, maybe friends since Cubs. Not an easy thing to walk away from I'll bet.

Not the kinda of friends I want.

[Basementdweller]

Thank you all for your replies and suggestions.

 

As for my son's friends, many of them know about the issues but are afraid to stand up to the bully scout. They don't want to be an added target. It is easier to just go with the flow than to create a bulls eye on their own head. They don't bully my son, but they don't stand up or stop it either.

 

This first troop is obviously not a boy-led troop. Every adult who was attempting to create that atmosphere has been gutted from leadership/committee. It is not even a SM led troop. It is a CC led troop. She is a former Pack CC who refuses to change to Boy Scout leadership ideals. The second troop is wonderfuly boy-led, parents/leaders have their role in the background, the CC rarely comes to actual meetings (although he shows great adult leadership on some outings), just doing his job in the background. Even though it is quite a drive, the change to the second troop will be inevitable. He already registered in the second troop this year as his primary troop; the first troop is his secondary (multiple) registration. Council doesn't care which troop he gets his rank in, he just chose the first because that was where he had gotten his other ranks and wanted to finish to his Eagle there before moving on completely to the other.

 

Yes, the parent/CC accompanies already her son to each and every meeting/outing/etc., however due to the fact that she is not by his side the entire time, he is allowed to continue his behavior and is usally skilled enough to not get caught most of the time.

 

For the three friends that my son is really close to, he does do things outside of the troop with them. But there are so many kids in the troop who are more than aquaintances but less than close friends. He unfortunately won't be seeing them outside the troop. But really, the decision to move has basically been made by my son. I have been fully supportive of whatever his decision has been, and it's been his to make. It has meant driving to two troop meetings a week, two PLCs a month, numerous outings for one troop or the other. He hasn't had one leg in each troop; he had been fully planted in each troop and doing a surprisingly great job. He started pulling his PORs out of the first troop as a way to spend less time with the scout. Scouting is just his thing, much like other kids fully invest themselves into football or other sports.

 

MattR - I'm not sure what you meant about my "son not wanting to confront the problem". He had a few discussions with the scout who said there wasn't a problem and acted innocent. My son went to his SM and an ASM to dicuss it. If you have any other suggestions on what he should do, he'd be more than happy to hear them. (He wasn't about to go to the CC as it would have only invited an adult bullying him. Recently a more senior scout sent an email out to the Troop requesting that the troop start doing more activities/campouts/etc as there hadn't been anything going on that didn't get cancelled for two months. It was a very well worded, repectful request meant to get the attention of the scouts and any adults who would have to volunteer to go with them so that they could discuss it at an upcoming meeting. The CC responded, replied to All, with a scathing email to the senior scout.)

 

As for changing troops prior to his BOR, all of his Eagle stuff had been turned in months ago. We didn't know that changing the location of the BOR was even possible. The Eagle BORs are done on the District level. The second troop is in a different district. Is that even a possiblity?

 

I guess the biggest question is do we do anything about the harrassment, especially the sexual comment, or does he just move on and let it go?

My son took care of a bully issue at school as dad instructed him too. He was suspended for 3 days, bully problem solved.

 

The school failed to take care of it so he did. when I was called into the office I told the principle we tried it her way and she failed him. so he took care of it and stood up for himself.

[Basementdweller]

Yeah, just get out. A letter to the SM, CC and the chartered organization on your way out wouldn't hurt (make sure all three receive it). Don't worry about whether the issue gets solved or not. That is not your problem. Perhaps a copy to the UC for whatever that is worth.

 

Perhaps your son can maintain some contact with his friends in the first troop and tell them how awesome his new troop is and why. If the new troop is better, perhaps some of them will make the switch, too. For my part, when an SM was apathetic (or in this case, perhaps pathetic would be the appropriate word if he is letting the CC run the show), when boys and their families bailed, it got some notice and the issue gets handled. But in the end, move on and don't look back.

Letter won't prove anything but make enemies.

[Cambridgeskip]

Bit late to this thread but thought I'd throw in my comments. I was bullied at school, much like this situation it was mostly verbal and harrassing rather than physical. One of only two big regrets I have in my life (the other one is quite funny and can wait for another day) is that I didn't turn round to the two worst offenders and lay them out. Looking back with adult eyes I can see that I would probably have been suspended from school for a couple of weeks but it would have saved me several years of misery. It sounds though that, like it was for me, throwing that punch probably isn't realistic for your son. Walking away though is. So walk away. Who knows, maybe a few of his friends will come with him. And if the troop starts to lose significant numbers maybe someone will turn round and ask why. The SM at the troop needs to get a backbone as well. I'm all for boy lead (or girl lead this side of the pond!) but ultimately there needs to be an alpha (fe)male in the troop who's word is law and that is the SM. I would not tolerate this sort of behaviour in my troop and I would expect the support of the various layers of management above me in dealing with it. The bully gets one second chance and one only. After that they go or I go. Simple as that.

[Stosh]

Bit late to this thread but thought I'd throw in my comments. I was bullied at school, much like this situation it was mostly verbal and harrassing rather than physical. One of only two big regrets I have in my life (the other one is quite funny and can wait for another day) is that I didn't turn round to the two worst offenders and lay them out. Looking back with adult eyes I can see that I would probably have been suspended from school for a couple of weeks but it would have saved me several years of misery. It sounds though that, like it was for me, throwing that punch probably isn't realistic for your son. Walking away though is. So walk away. Who knows, maybe a few of his friends will come with him. And if the troop starts to lose significant numbers maybe someone will turn round and ask why. The SM at the troop needs to get a backbone as well. I'm all for boy lead (or girl lead this side of the pond!) but ultimately there needs to be an alpha (fe)male in the troop who's word is law and that is the SM. I would not tolerate this sort of behaviour in my troop and I would expect the support of the various layers of management above me in dealing with it. The bully gets one second chance and one only. After that they go or I go. Simple as that.

I make it VERY clear with all the boys in my troop that there is no "second chance" for bullying. Whereas some SM's cut the corner off the Totin' Chit. Not me, the whole card goes the first time. Same with bullying. It has no place if Scouting and if one wishes to pursue that course of action, they, too, have no place in Scouting. Up front, no exceptions, no excuses, no discussions. You're done.

 

While that may sound harsh. I cut them off at the pass and have had very little if any problems with bullying in my troop(s).

 

Stosh

[qwazse]

Bit late to this thread but thought I'd throw in my comments. I was bullied at school, much like this situation it was mostly verbal and harrassing rather than physical. One of only two big regrets I have in my life (the other one is quite funny and can wait for another day) is that I didn't turn round to the two worst offenders and lay them out. Looking back with adult eyes I can see that I would probably have been suspended from school for a couple of weeks but it would have saved me several years of misery. It sounds though that, like it was for me, throwing that punch probably isn't realistic for your son. Walking away though is. So walk away. Who knows, maybe a few of his friends will come with him. And if the troop starts to lose significant numbers maybe someone will turn round and ask why. The SM at the troop needs to get a backbone as well. I'm all for boy lead (or girl lead this side of the pond!) but ultimately there needs to be an alpha (fe)male in the troop who's word is law and that is the SM. I would not tolerate this sort of behaviour in my troop and I would expect the support of the various layers of management above me in dealing with it. The bully gets one second chance and one only. After that they go or I go. Simple as that.

'Skip, as a kid I never actually 'laid out' bullies. I landed a right hook square in a mate's jaw at church camp. Brought him to tears, which then brought me to tears. It was pathetic. But, word got around that although I was flat-footed and generally a softie, my arm had a longer reach than most. So, "going there" with me could have unintended consequences.

 

Then in Jr. High, some upper-classmen cornered me against a locker, and pulled some punches just shy of connecting with my face. I didn't flinch, so it kind of freaked them out. Truth was I had slow reflexes. Anyway, somehow word got out that I was not to be messed with. Bullying kind of ended for me then because I started to get to know a few kids who could really fight but never did.

 

But, in spite of getting the upper hand, I didn't feel any better about myself. In fact, I felt a little worse for not really being able to "turn the other cheek" and/or really keep that "stiff upper lip."

 

It took scouting and an SM who would shut down any mean-spirited behavior from any of us for me to see how you could keep emotions in check yet play very physically so that everyone could have fun.

[Pack18Alex]

Well, I assume that the troop has an Eagle Rank Chart or similar thing. Having done all his BOR there, and earning his Eagle there, he likely wants to be listed with other Eagle Scouts that he came up in Scouting with. Sure, some of it is the friends since Cubs that will also be there. He might be with the new Troop going forward, but he wants to be an Eagle in the same troop as his friends.

 

I would suggest reaching out to the two DEs. Tell them that your son is having problems with another Scout, that Scout is the son of the CC, and attempts to resolve have failed, and your son has transferred troops for his active Scouting. He wants to complete his EBOR with his old troop, and you want to know what needs to be done so his EBOR can take place and he can move on to earn his Eagle Palms with his new Troop.

 

Send it to BOTH District Executives in an email, and they can work out the logistics of the EBOR.

 

Second, why not skip most of the meetings for Troop 1, stay on the roster until he hits Eagle, and meet with Troop 2. Troop 2 is his primary unit.

 

If the District Executives can't coordinate the EBOR, resubmit your paperwork with Troop 2. Get it done, get on with it.

I would expect the DE to pass it along that way. Protocol in my district is any sort of "council/district" requests generally go to him who funnels it to the right person. He is council to the units.

 

Since it's a cross-district issue with paperwork submitted to Council, there may be more people involved than just the advancement chair.

 

Caveat, I have no idea what is actually involved in an EBOR. But I'd be worried with crazy CC Mom holding back advancement paperwork and sabotaging it, so I'd make sure higher ups know that something is going on and make things work to not screw over the youth... especially if you need to appeal something, best to have it in writing.

[Oldscout448]

Bit late to this thread but thought I'd throw in my comments. I was bullied at school, much like this situation it was mostly verbal and harrassing rather than physical. One of only two big regrets I have in my life (the other one is quite funny and can wait for another day) is that I didn't turn round to the two worst offenders and lay them out. Looking back with adult eyes I can see that I would probably have been suspended from school for a couple of weeks but it would have saved me several years of misery. It sounds though that, like it was for me, throwing that punch probably isn't realistic for your son. Walking away though is. So walk away. Who knows, maybe a few of his friends will come with him. And if the troop starts to lose significant numbers maybe someone will turn round and ask why. The SM at the troop needs to get a backbone as well. I'm all for boy lead (or girl lead this side of the pond!) but ultimately there needs to be an alpha (fe)male in the troop who's word is law and that is the SM. I would not tolerate this sort of behaviour in my troop and I would expect the support of the various layers of management above me in dealing with it. The bully gets one second chance and one only. After that they go or I go. Simple as that.

This thread makes me remember stuff I would like to forget, I Quit scouting after 10 months in a troop where newbies were kicked, punched, tripped, etc. at every meeting and campout, by a nasty trio of 13 year old "scouts". The SM and SPL told me to grow up and deal with it. Never thought about going to another troop figured all troops were the same. I went back after a year, after hearing the ringleader was gone. (never found out if he quit or was thrown out) One of the remaining bullies came up to me with the clear intention of picking up where he left off, I looked him in the eye and said "Gimme a reason....." I was 4" taller and about 15lbs heavier than when I left. He backed off and we had no more trouble during the next three years until he quit. In fact we developed a pretty good working relationship after he grew up a bit.

[Basementdweller]

How typical......No follow up from the OP......

 

[JoeBob]

How typical......No follow up from the OP......

The OP is just avoiding your bullying, Basement.

[nextgenscouter1]

I feel sorry for the kid, but he should completely cut his ties with this troop. He should also leave his so called "friends" behind if they weren't willing or have the backbone to stick up for him. I see a problem with this also "only (still) waiting for his Eagle BOR" are the people in his old troop making it more difficult to attain eagle and does he want to receive such a huge honor among people that want to make his life miserable? Also why won't he be able to keep his old friends. Will they dump him if he doesn't stay in their troop? If so these people aren't worth his time if they won't defend him or make the right decision. Finally if this new troop has given him so much more why wouldn't he want to get eagle their, and finally if I saw such a thing happen in my troop there would be serious consequences and if I were in this situation I would leave and find another troop. Of course in my district there are many troops to join might not be the same else were.

P.S. sorry for the long ramble post.

[jc2008]

This seems more like a bully issue instead of a harassment issue. We try to encourage our kids to let us know about bullying so that tragedy doesn't strike like you see in the news. Here your son is telling you and the SM etc that there is a bully problem going on and nothing is being done about it. That can make a kid feel even more powerless than not telling anyone it was happening.

 

If none of the adults in this troop can fix this bully issue you need to leave ASAP. Your child's mental health and self esteem is not worth trying to stay with any Boy Scout Program. And you said your son found another Troop that he is happy with, so just totally move him over to that Troop and leave the bully behind.

 

Your #1 priority should be the wellbeing and happiness of your child and protect him from this unnecessary, mean and hateful treatment. Kids learn from their parents, and this bully kid obvious learned from his mom that this is acceptable behavior. Your son needs to learn from you that he does not need to subject himself to this sort of treatment and leave this situation behind him and move on.

 

[Basementdweller]

How typical......No follow up from the OP......

Probably so.....

 

 

But If my boy was in tears over being called names.........

 

I would get to the bottom as to why......

 

 

If that included an evaluation by a professional than so be it.....

 

 

I would get to the bottom of why.......

 

I have not met the 14 year old that crys at being called names........of course I deal mostly with kids in the hood who go to low scoring public schools and they receive and give verbal abuse on a daily basis.