WARNING to Single moms be careful out sending your sons camping without you!

[singlemom]

My son's father died when he was very young. He was a cubscout all the way up and then crossed over to boyscouts. He entered a boyscout troop and was very excited about it. That has all changed.

 

In my town in some troops the women help but in most they are not too welcome at camp although in the one he joined they are allowed to go. I was convinced against my better judgement that it was best to send my son without me on his camping trip with the boyscouts so that he would become independent etc etc etc. I was a fool and let him go with people who were supposed to be watching him. Guess what, they weren't and he got beaten by another much older child.

 

Lots of excuses for the child that beat him. lots of he's a nice kid he comes from a good family, he feels real bad about it, he cried about it, it was an accident- but not too much in the way of concern for my son. The parents of the child have not even called me. Of course the scout leaders would like us to come back to "get to the bottom of it" but I can't let my son have to sit and listen to any more "male role models" make ridiculous excuses for the aggressive behavior of their friend's son. I mean the kid is sorry, I mean he has a great dad, nice guy!

 

My son is so sad. He is not interested in going back and is moping around the house with his little injured parts.

 

Men tend to stick together and if your child does not have a dad to buddy up with "the guys" he will not be a member of the testosterone club and in the end will not count.

 

I am a highly educated person. I work with children every day so I have some understanding of what is going on when a larger child beats a small one, its no an accident. I am sickened that I encouraged my son so much towards scouting. From what I see and hear now in most places I read about scouting this is more of a men's club then a boys club. My son means nothing to his scout troop and yours probably will not either. Many people that are lucky enough to have two parent homes look down on single parents and scouting is chock full of self righteous people like this. I hope if any of you have your kids in scouting you will not find this out the hard way like I did,

 

Stick with sports. The men there don't need to exclude women from their activities to feel like men.

 

Boyscouts could be a great organization for ALL boys instead of just those from the "right kind of families" if it would join the rest of us in 2011.

 

I am sorry this post is so strong I am very upset right now. Scouting has taken my sweet happy go lucky kid who has been doing so well and just kocked the wind along with his enthusiasm right out of him.

 

I feel so guilty for encouraging him into boyscouts. Cubscouts was great and I so wanted him to be around "good" men.

[ned_rothstein]

Thanks for throwing all of us under the bus based on a single bad experience. Your open minded attitude is sure to make everything better. How about demanding a meeting with the Scoutmaster to find out what happened and what they intend to do about it? If you don't get any satisfaction there, how about contacting the Chartering Organization, since they own the Troop, or the Council since they are the local representatives of BSA.

[packsaddle]

Ned, you could use a reminder about the scout law, I think (courteous, kind, friendly, to name a few). This is a mother to a boy who was treated violently. A little understanding would help a lot. As it is, your sarcasm sadly serves to confirm some of what she wrote.

[Eagle92]

I am sorry to hear that your son was beat up by another scout, there is NO, repeat NO place in Scouting for that type of behavior.

 

But I strongly object to your negative attitude towards Scouting as I was a Scout from a single parent home.

 

Here are my thoughts on the situation.

 

1) You need to calm down, sit down with the leaders and your son, and find out exactly what has happened. If the group cannot find out what happened, the older scout may get away with it, and victimize another scout if that was the case. I do not want that to happen.

 

Or it could be that the older scout was assaulted by the younger scout, and defended himself. I know that happened at one summer camp I worked at. Correction the younger scout attacked a brand new ASM, he had just turned 18 about a week or two before camp, in front of the entire troop. I am not saying that happened either, but without a sitdown to get the facts, NO ONE WILL KNOW WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED. (caps for emphasis).

 

2)I resent the attack on all Scouting leaders. Yes there may be a few who are more into Scouting for themselves than the youth, but the large majority I know are in it for the youth. Some because their kids are in it and they want a great program for their kids and their friends. Some like me have been trying to give back to the youth in Scouting what Scouting gave to us back in the day. Besides my mother and my church, 3 things have made a major impact on my life, and Scouting is one of them.

 

3) I've served in a variety of positions; assistant scoutmaster, associate adviser, sea scout leader, district committee member, district executive, and currently as a Cub Scout leader, and I will tell you for most volunteers the kids are not numbers, but actual youth they are trying to make a difference in the lives of. I know I lost a few Cubs since May of last year. Some of it was the dissorganization of the pack I was in (and we are working on that), some of it was lack of exciting meetings ( mea culpa), some of it was the scouts interest went towards sports, and in one case the pack didn't camp enough for him and his family(I'm hoping to get this one back in in 4th grade at the eariest, 11y.o. at the latest ) despite 3 overniters in a 7 week period.

 

And every regret losing every single one of those Cubs, and have tried to get every single one re-involved in Scouting, whether back with my pack or in another.

 

4) Women can serve as leaders in Troops, and that includes camping. One of the best SMs I ever knew was female, and she could backpack with the best of them until her health started failing. The unit's COR ultimately approves/disapproves who can become a leader, but there si nothing stopping form filling out an application.

 

5) As a kid with an abusive father who walked out on him (which was the best thing he ever did in all honesty) the older scouts and leaders were my positive male role models, and are folks I try to imitate both in scouting, and in my life. Without them as role models, I do not know how I would have turned out.

 

6) I also know that without the older scouts and leaders above, I would not have grown up. I do have an overprotective mother ( even to this day ) and there were great opportunities I would have missed out on if they would not have talked my mother into me going, telling her exactly what I am capable of when i am on my own. I would not have gone through advance leadership training, some of which I use to this day. I would not have gone on a 64 mile canoe trip in the Canadian wilderness. I would not have joined Sea Scouts, and gone cruising in the Gulf of Mexico.

 

As an adult I would not know how to prepare for a trip to Europe to work on a camp staff. making friends form scouts all over.

 

 

Again do sit down with your son and leaders and get to the heart of the matter. If the matter doesn't get resolved TO YOUR SON'S SATIFACTION ( stressing that, not shouting), have him look at other troops in the area. Every unit is different. I should know, I was in 2 troops as a youth, and have serves as a leader in 6 different units in 4 different councils. Everyone of them was different.

[pchadbo]

WOW!

That was a horrible experience! I am truly sorry that you had that happen to you and I am horrified that it happened to your son.

 

What action have you taken to protect the other boys from (as you seem to believe) these horrible bullies? Did you report this to the Chartered Organization who is responsible for the troop? Did you report this to the Camp Director who is responsible for the well being of the boys while at camp? Did you report this to the District/Council that runs the camp who also share respopnsibility for protecting the boys at camp? If this was that severe did do contact the police for possible criminal charges as approprite?

 

I would encourage you to take any or all steps that are approprite and protect the other boys from some very un-scoutlike behavior.

 

Just my $0.02

[Thomas54]

 

Sorry about your son. We let women camp with us.

 

However, the advice was sound that you not go camping on his first boy scout outing. Unless you plan to spend a week at summer camp with him, his emotional development needs time to acclimate on these smaller campout to sleep away from mom.

 

As far a the fight is concerned. There is always more than one view of what occurred. After years of being a scoutmaster older scout don't normally pounce on younger scouts just to get their kicks. There is usually a point of interest that provokes the fight. It could be a disagreement at school or tent spot that one claimed first. Usually the younger scout will yield to the other scout and the situation is diffused. So an older boy fighting with a new cross-over is a very unusual pattern.

 

Do the boys go to the same school and could this be a carryover from something non scout related?

 

Does your son want to return?

 

As a leader I would want to get to the bottom of this.

 

[Basementdweller]

Sorry to hear about the incident. Scouting or not it happens.

 

Just curious, what would have happened different had you been along?

 

 

 

[jhankins]

I'm sorry your son had such a horrible experience and that he doesn't want to return to Scouting. As a single mom with a son in scouting, I can tell you not every troop treats single mothers differently, it's a matter of finding the right one, but also being involved so that there's common ground with the leadership and other parents so that they feel your family is a part of theirs.

 

The other posters have some wonderful questions and advice for you.

[perdidochas]

Not all Scout troops are the same. I'm sorry about what happened to your son.

 

Also, National Boy Scout rules say that parents (not just fathers) are welcome to all scouting events, including camping. We have scouts from single parent homes, from divorced homes (split custody), and intact families. All are welcome. We have boys that live in waterfront mansions, and in ramshackle houses, and everywhere in between. You couldn't tell the difference between them in the Troop, as that is the way Scouts are supposed to be. I'm not sure where you get the idea that most of Scouting is a men's club. Our troop is a boys club with men helping out. The boys are running things, and the men (and a few women) are just watching. It's their club, not ours.

[SMT224]

singlemom -

 

As a Scoutmaster in a Troop with several boys with single moms, I am sorry to hear of you son's very crummy introduction to the Boy Scouts.

 

As your message implies, you could very well run away and never have anything to do with Scouting again. I can see how tempting that is. It sounds like you are convinced that what happened to your son will happen to all boys with a single mom, so therefore none should join the Boy Scouts. If you've read the other responses to your post, I'm sure you know how wrong that is.

 

I can certainly say that boys in our Troop who have a single mom are not beat up on a regular basis or ever, and in fact are treated the same as all the other boys. What you so unfortunately have experienced is an anomaly, and has to do with the two kids involved in the fight, irregardless of the number of parental units they have.

 

As others have said, rather than running away, the absolute best thing you can do now is to sit down with the Scoutmaster, the two Scouts involved in the altercation (your son and the other boy), the other parental units, and figure out what happened and what caused the fight. It may be this other kid is a real jerk and needs to be removed from the Troop. It may be that your son played a significant role in the confrontation. It may be it was all a dumb mistake that got out of hand. But until you get to the root of it, you will never know, and it could linger unresolved in your sons mind.

 

It will do a huge amount of good for your son to resolve the situation. Do not instill a pattern that running away from a difficult situation is the best way to resolve something.

 

Another truth is that not all Troops prohibit women for serving as Scoutmasters. You may want to find another Troop that will accept you as a volunteer. Or you may stick with this Troop and change it. Both have costs and benefits.

 

I wish you and your son the best, and hope you do not abandon Scouting. Please post again and let us know how things turn out.

[Frank17]

A couple of points:

 

"The parents of the child have not even called me." - Like it or not, the scout troop cannot force parents to call and apologize to other parents. As you know, there are responsible parents and some not so much, in scouting as everywhere else. I assume the troop leaders apologized. I hope the other scout was also disciplined, BY THE TROOP, not just the parents.

 

"Men tend to stick together and if your child does not have a dad to buddy up with "the guys" he will not be a member of the testosterone club and in the end will not count." - If you truly feel this is valid, you should contact the chartered organization and district/council representatives IMMEDIATELY (see your council info on the web for contact names & numbers). This is not what scouting is about.

 

"I am a highly educated person." - If this is true, then you should know you will not help the situation with your son or scouting by refusing to deal with the matter any further. The scout and leaders should be given a chance to rectify the situation and resolve the problem with you and your son. THEN, if you are not happy with the resolution, you can take the next step and either seek out other troops to join or leave scouting altogether.

 

 

What happened is simply wrong, but unfortunately what does happen in society today. What will you do if your son get bullied / beat up when he enters high school? Pull him out of school altogether? Unfortunately, there are many ill-behaved kids and parents out there. Many poorly behaved kids also get put into scouting, as parents seem to think the scout oath and law are some sort of military code thet will give their son character. This does not excuse what happened, but it is the reality of scouting.

 

As a scoutmater for the past 6 years of a 60+ scout troop, I see a lot of conflict between scouts at times. Some of it spills over from school or family disputes, some is just general dislike. We, like all troops in our area and our school district teach bully-proofing and non-hazing. But it still occurs from time to time. When it does, we try to deal with it then & there with the scouts, parents, and teach the whole troop. You SHOULD hold the troop accountable for the incident, and not let it slide. BUT, you should also be prepared to hear both sides of the story and potentially forgive an older scout their mistake. Your son is relying on your jusdgement to help him through. I understand your anger, but do not just abandon the situation without fighting for what you want.

[Basementdweller]

Frank

 

In reading her post she has a chip on her shoulder about being a single mom. IMHO She came to our forum looking for a fight. She and her son are the victim, as they will be the rest of their lives. They were invited to come back and participate in an investigation as to what really happened and she refuses.

 

She will continue to isolate her son from the evil outside world where he may gets bumps and bruises resulting in a man who can stand on his own two feet.

[Frank17]

Base:

 

I learned a long time ago that there are two sides to every story. I do not know whether she just came here to vent (many members do that), as a troll (others do that), or really wants advise (some do that). I prefer to take her post at face value for now, as, real or not, her situation DOES HAPPEN in most troops. The real challenge is how to deal with it and learn from it and minimize the chance of re-occurence with any of the scouts in the troop.

[Oak Tree]

singlemom, I'm curious. Have you been reading these forums all along? If so, you should realize that the leaders here would never accept that kind of behavior from either the adults nor the Scouts. What happened to your son is very unfortunate and the troop should address it.

 

Did someone point you at this forum as a place to raise a complaint? If so, were you expecting any response? Or did you just want to lash out at Scouting and at men in general based on your frustration with both? I'm not sure what your son's experience has to do with your being a single mom - it sounds like a boy from a two-parent family could very well have had the same experience.

 

In my troop, we do welcome women to come camping with us and one of my best assistant Scoutmasters is a woman.

 

Does the troop know how serious your son and you perceive the incident to be? It seems like you'd be far better off directing your concerns at them, rather than sending out a broad-brush warning to the internet. Is there anything we can do to help?

[Austinole]

I'm sorry for what happened to your son. I appreciate you posting this. I am a Leader with several sons of single parents. I will use your words to improve my own perspective.

 

My only advice is, don't let this inccident own your son or you. What happened was wrong and it should be confronted and resolved for ALL people involved. Even if in the end you chose to drop out of scouting don't let your son think that he can be bullied. Bad things happen in life and he needs to know it can be overcome.

 

What ever you decide I wish you and your son the best.