Intracrew Dating

[RadioactiveBubblez]

So Scouter forum! I come to you with a question that may be a bit touchy.

Recently I fell for a guy in my crew and he fell for me too. We are going steady, but recently the topic of "oh. We're in the same crew! Is this going to be ok?"

We decided to check our relationship at the crew door, but I'm kind of nervous.

Any stories of this? Advice?

Thank you!

(This message has been edited by RadioactiveBubblez)

[frank10]

Please, Please, Please tell me your female!

[Gary_Miller]

I see no problem with this and no reason to check your relationship at the door. Its natural that two people in a crew may become attracted to each other. I think the most important thing is to keep the affection appropriate in crew meetings. No hanging on each other and no lovey dovey stuff ether. On camp-outs no going off alone and messing around. Remember your young and this relationship is likely to be short lived.

[Beavah]

Yah, Radioactive, welcome to da forums, eh? Glad you're enjoying Venturing.

 

Venturing is just like any group activity, eh? It's not da time for personal dating. If yeh go on a work outing with a bunch of folks from work, you act like you're on a work outing, not like you're on a date. Even if yeh work with your fiance! If yeh want to go on a date, yeh don't do it on a work outing.

 

If you're mature enough to understand that, I don't see why there should be a problem. When in Venturing, you are crew mates, and that should be how yeh conduct yourselves. When you are on your own time on a date with just da two of you, yeh can act like you're on a date . Yeh don't have to lie or hide anything. There's nothing wrong with you dating at all. Yeh just want to act appropriately in whatever environment you're in.

 

Beavah

 

[Eagle92]

Radio,

Welcome to the forums and glad you are having fun in Venturing. I have to ditto what others have said.

[ScoutBox]

Hello and welcome.. ditto from all above.. and enjoy Venturing..

[Crew21_Adv]

Radioactive,

 

Greetings!

 

Allow me to tell you a little about my Crew. As you requested, Ill tell you a few stories then give my own advice.

 

I am a long time Scouter, and of course, I am a father (now of three grown adults). I am not an expert in teenage emotions, but I have some experience to relate to this topic.

 

I have had five sets of teenage couples dating within my Crew. Two of my former Venturers (a high school dating couple) recently graduated from college and were married two years ago.

 

Sometimes intimate moments and "couple" interaction is called public displays of affection or "PDA". PDA can make other Venturers feel uncomfortable.

 

My Crew has had some moments of drama. The worst that affected our Crew was just hours before a camporee. We had three adults and fifteen Venturers paid and registered to attend a district camporee. Two of my Venturers (a girlfriend and boyfriend) got into a jealous argument during the Friday school lunch period. They decided not to see each other or attend the camporee. By 5:00 p.m. Friday, less than five hours after their emotional breakdown, the remaining thirteen other Venturers had called to pull out of the camporee. It was a domino effect, one Venturer didnt want to attend if their friend wasnt attending, then the next Venturer didnt want to attend if their other friend wasnt attending, till none were attending. Leaving only three adults at 5:00 p.m.

 

What happened? By Sunday they made up, and they were back to mending their relationship making out on one of their parents' back porch.

 

The drama of two of my Venturers cost our Crew about 300 dollars in one weekend.

 

Now regarding all my Crew's dating couples. Before my Crew had these bylaws (which they agreed upon and wrote), it was "Mr Crew21Adv is being a real bummer". Until they realized that their overt familiarity was making other teenagers uncomfortable and driving away some Venturing youth from our program.

 

My Crew has very few bylaws that were decided by the youth(the Crew bylaws fit only half a sheet). But one of their important rules is to leave their personal relationships at the door. The wrote a line in and agree that "PDA" has no place during Venturing hours. Does everyone in the Crew know "couples" are dating? Certainly. Do their parents know they are dating? Yes, and they usually approve of their choices. Do these "couples" hold hands, take long walks, and etc during meetings. Nope, None of that. They can control their emotions for a couple of hours a week, and even for a weekend Scouting event.

 

Each year the Crew takes a look at our bylaws. Still only half a page, many of their rules are social behavioral rules. Not to hurt or disrespect others. They also agree they don't want other Venturers to feel awkward, while "couples" are getting too familiar during meetings. Even as young teenagers, they can understand that hand holding and petting can make others uncomfortable, and they can eventually understand that they can wait 2 hours (or longer).

 

You asked for advice. Here are my own thoughts.

 

As a parent and Venturing Crew Advisor, I would let your parents know, I would let the Advisor, Associate Advisors know. I would also let the Crew know. Maybe you and the guy can recommend an addition to your bylaws. But bottom line, keep a healthy couple relationship, but keep it out of Venturing events.

 

Myself and my fellow Advisors are okay with Intracrew Dating, as long as they keep the "dating" part outside of the meeting hours or weekend Venturing event. We havent had any social drama in the past four years, thanks to the mutual social agreements and our Crew Bylaws.

 

Scouting Forever and Venture On!

Crew21 Adv

[sbemis1]

I was in a powderhorn event with a young fellow venturer who was soon to turn 21. He was a bit concerned how scouting would then view his relationship with his 19 yr old girlfriend in his crew.

 

Never did find out how that worked out. . . .

[rdclements]

Hey Radio, thanks for stopping in...

 

The crew that I serve has had some couples. It can be managed. There's some good advice offered above.

 

I've done lots of events where you wouldn't know to connect me to my children unless you checked name tags. My wife and I have volunteered together and other volunteers did not know of our relationship.

 

In addition to not letting your relationship mess up things in the crew, don't let crew business put undue stress on the relationship either. I think that your comment: "We decided to check our relationship at the crew door" shows that you're taking the right approach.

[emb021]

"I was in a powderhorn event with a young fellow venturer who was soon to turn 21. He was a bit concerned how scouting would then view his relationship with his 19 yr old girlfriend in his crew."

 

As he should be, because the BSA is very clear on this. Its part of their fraternization policy.

 

A person 21 and older is NOT to be dating someone under 21 and expect to be involved with that unit. They will be asked to leave. This is clearly covered in the Venturing Youth Protection Training.

 

 

 

[qwazse]

Ditto to all the ideas regarding crew members dating. Main point: discipline is up to the officers of the crew. We advisors strongly encourage them to write bylaws to cover that in advance, but it usually takes someone's emotional drama ruining an outing make it happen. Definitely touch base with your crew to know its rules and history.

 

Wingnut's comment only comes officially into play for adults.

 

Like sbemis and emb brought up, if either of you are near 21, the "No fraternization rule" will come into play. It's a BSA National policy, and it's there because we don't want Advisors, or Committee Members, or Scoutmasters dating youth. Take the average age adult and the average age youth and that behavior sounds predatory, but it's not unusual in couple of venturers who've been with the program for years for one of them to want to lead a crew, troop, or pack as soon as they turn 21.

 

So, the couple in this situation would have to decide if they want the older one to postpone becoming a BSA adult leader until the younger one is of age, or if they want the younger one to leave the BSA until he/she can be an adult leader. (Here's hoping they don't both leave the organization!)

[Stosh]

I don't see any difference between relationships between Crew members than those between leadership.

 

Sure some adult leaders are married. Not a problem and if they want to sit together around the campfire and/or kiss good night, I can live with that.

 

My fiance is not a registered leader, but does attend many of my scouting activities because she's an expert in forestry, nature and water sports. Because we have kept our relationship within the bounds of acceptable behavior, i.e. we don't have a glass of wine before dinner as we would at a non-scouting event, the boys have never had a problem with it.

 

The boys have enjoyed having her along on outings and often look to her for guidance and advice on issues related to the current activity. They respect the relationship and never call for "shotgun" when she's along.

 

To issue blanket statements and introduce by-law changes to accommodate intracrew dating is because not all young adults are aware of the acceptable norms of behavior at an event. This is quite alright. It's better to spell out expectations than to try and deal with them after-the-fact. Letting the leadership of the crew know that one is dating outside the activities of the crew is a nice heads-up for them, not so that they can keep an eagle-eye on you, but as a courtesy to everyone so as to not have a negative affect on the crew as exemplified in some of the earlier posts.

 

Stosh

 

Stosh

[ScoutBox]

If I could just throw in a curveball.

 

What is the Crew member is dating one of the Advisors??

[emb021]

"If I could just throw in a curveball.

 

What is the Crew member is dating one of the Advisors??"

 

That's not a curveball. I covered that in a previous note.

 

That is a violation of the BSA's Fraternization policy, and clearly covered in the Venturing Youth Protection Training. An advisor may NOT date a crew member (a youth). They either need to break it off, or the advisor MUST leave.

 

 

 

[BadenP]

Scoutbox,

I had that happen in my crew, an assoc. advisor dating a crew member. He knew it was against BSA policy but she was almost 19 and he was 22 and rather than lose both of them they agreed that at meetings and outings there was to be no physical contact and that proper protocol was to be followed. They lived up to their words and there was no problem for the entire year. The next year they got married and she dropped out of the crew, when she turned 21 she rejoined as an assoc advisor and both are doing excellent jobs for the crew. You can't stop human nature, but you can curb it a bit, lol.