MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN ( A JOKE)

[Eamonn]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

 

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories, except Kansas, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

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God Save the Queen!

 

 

 

 

[Eamonn]

Yes I'm normal!

Eamonn.

[scoutldr]

Actually, that doesn't sound to bad to me. At least the Royals are entertaining...and seemingly harmless. Does that also mean we can quit paying "foreign aid" to people who hate us?

[Trevorum]

Sounds fine to me. Of course, y'all know that the entire Louisana Purchase is off limits, as is Tejas, Nuevo Mexico, and Alto California. Not to mention Oregon and a passel of other unimportant territories... Speaking for my fellow Texians, I recon' our independence is all legal and such and ain't subject to any revocation by Mexico, having been duly granted by General Santa Ana. The scoundrel.

 

We've been fixin' to come up with our own dictionary, anyways ...

 

[elfdream]

There have been several versions of this over the years. I do remember one that stated that Mel Gibson would be tried for treason (I'm assuming over Brave Heart and The Patriot) but that one quietly disappeared when it was pointed out that he is in fact an American.

 

The Spellchecker thing is a real pain to a lot of my Anglosphere friends. I LIKE having spelling that is unique and different from the rest of the English speaking world and they shouldn't feel forced to adapt to it.(This message has been edited by elfdream)

[kraut-60]

Eamonn; Kindly inform Her Majesty that I/we shall agree to the terms previously described providing the following terms are accepted and carried out:

1) The Chunnel must be re-named "The French Connection"

2) DeHavillad Aircraft must immediatley begin building Mosquito bombers to ww2 specification and offering them at cost to avaiation merit badge counselors.

3) Boy George is to be kept in the Tower of London...preferably on the Tower green pecking for food with the ravens.

4) Monty Pythons Flying Circus must immediately be put back in production with ALL the original cast (being dead is no excuse).

5) Charles and Cammila must be stripped of their titles and sent to live in France.

6) All Wimpys restaurants will be closed and the buildings torn down.

7) Sean Connery will be named Prime Minister.

8) Rowan Atkinson will be named Ambassador to France...he may use his Mr. Bean impression at his discretion.

9) Ringo Starr will be forced to sign anything he's asked to sign.

10)Kilts will be provided free of charge to any brave enough(and with hairy enough legs) to wear them...a Kilt matching BSA uniform green will be made and distributed w/ matching russet belt and sporran.

11)All twits MUST be licensed and display thier twit tag on the back of their tweed jacket. Unregistered twits will be fined and made to watch all Michael Moores films repeatedly while eating Haggis.

12)American football will be continued to be played, the UK and its Commonwealth nations will form teams to compete with the NFC/AFC. A UK/Commonwealth based team must win the superbowl the first year Her Majestys proposed re-absorbtion of the "colonnies" takes place for the pax americanna to be accepted as law, should Her Majestys football team choke and lose or not even advance to the superbowl, then all previous terms are null and void...no wardrobe malfunctions will tolerated during the 1/2time show and Roseanne Barr MUST sing "God Save the Queen" (she may grope herself at the conclusion).

[TheScout]

Except Sean Connery is a supporter of the Scottish National Party and an independent Scotland.

[kraut-60]

The Scout; Exactly! What else would rankle an Englishman better than a Scotsman in charge...and an Independant Scotland! My Mums from Glasgow...I am a wee bit biased in favor of the Scots, even though I have german last name (hence the "kraut" moniker).

[NJCubScouter]

What else would rankle an Englishman better than a Scotsman in charge...and an Independant Scotland!

 

Actually, at the moment the British Prime Minister is a Scotsman. (Or is it a Scot?) Not a "Scottish nationalist", though. I would prefer Sean Connery though, he has a much better accent, and he has done much more for the image of his country worldwide. For example, before I saw "The Hunt for Red October", I never knew that Soviet submarine captains spoke with a Scottish accent.