Political (4th of July) Humor

[acco40]

Not sure where to place this but I thought some (especially Eamonn) may enjoy it.

 

A message from Her Majesty, the Queen.

 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

 

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

 

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

 

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

(You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

 

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

2. The letter U will be reinstated in words such as colour, favour, labour and neighbour. Likewise, you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary).

 

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter u and the elimination of -ize.

 

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that youre not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you cant sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then youre not ready to shoot grouse.

 

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

 

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnats Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Gywneth Paltrow attempt English dialogue in Shakespeare in Love was an experience akin to having ones ears removed with a cheese grater.

 

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football: you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Dont try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

 

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

 

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us mad.

 

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majestys Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 

(This message has been edited by a staff member.)

[packsaddle]

As sympathetic as I am to some of those changes (for example, the metric system...but not the roundabout), but in the spirit of the day, I must, with all due respect, advise Her Majesty to go take a flying 'jump' at a rolling Krispy Kreme doughnut. She can take her snooty, failed-empire attitude and return to her palace, thankful that the Yanks decided to allow her to enjoy the feel of placing her amply-cushioned behind on a warm, soft place, after saving both during a couple of world wars.

That said, I do think she had a rather good point about beer - and M*crosoft.

[Gold Winger]

Metric system?

 

Germany: metric and lost the big one.

 

Italy: Metric and lost the big one.

 

UK and US: Standard system and won the big one.

 

UK: Metric and the empire collapsed.

 

Spitfire, P-51, B-17, B-19, Mercury, Gemini, Apollo all standard.

 

ISS: metric.

 

Give me inches.

 

 

[CalicoPenn]

Dear Queen,

 

When you people learn how to spell Aluminum, as it was originally coined and spelled by the discoverer of Aluminum, a British subject named Humphrey Davy, and how to pronounce it correctly, then maybe we'll chat.

 

When you people learn to behave as civilized human beings at sporting events (if the fans of the Chicago Cubs and the Chicago White Sox can interact peacefully while they're favorite teams play each other two weeks in a row, then surely the fans of Manchester United and Chelsea can get along for one game), then maybe we'll listen.

 

And before you get all hoity-toity about soccer, let me remind you that the British have failed to field a soccer team at the Olympics for at least 2 generations, and the last time you folks won gold (or any medal for that matter) in soccer was 1908 and 1912 - back when no one knew what the heck you were doing. In the meantime, the US Men's team have reached the finals 5 times, and the US Women's team - let me repeat that - WOMEN's team, has won the gold medal in 1996 and 2004.

 

With respect,

 

The United States of America.

 

Oh, and by the way, it was Kristin Shepard that shot JFK, or was that J.R. Either way, they both happened in Dallas, and that's all you really need to know.

[GernBlansten]

Gotta give a vote for the metric system.

Spent all day working on the vintage Beetle. How nice is it to know that if I have a 9MM wrench and it just doesn't fit, that probably a 10MM will. A simple call out to the boy for the appropriate size is fool proof.

 

In the idiotic world of SAE, I might have a 9/16 wrench and maybe need 5/8 or a possibly a 17/32 but I first must compute the least common denominator and multiply the numerator appropriately. All this while on my back on a creeper with greasy dirt dropping down my nose.(This message has been edited by gernblansten)