Communication on the web

[boleta]

I continue to be amazed how the thoughts we try to convey in e-mails and in forums such as this can be misconstrued. The most difficult thing to convey is emotion. Over the past several years, I have witnessed severe misunderstandings from e-mail communication when someone feels insulted by an e-mail.

 

In the thread that this is being spun from, a new, but considerate member of the Forum (who has good advice and experience to convey) took great offense at my message and the way I wrote it. My last post in that thread was an apology.

 

But, I have seen this all too often both on the Forum and in many other areas where communication seems very difficult when e-mail alone is used. Not only that, it seems that the problems escalate out of hand when the "conversation" continues. (positive feedback cycles are destructive in nature)

 

I am spinning this new thread to get comments from the Forum as to their experience with this phenomenon.

[dsteele]

Boleta:

 

I feel your pain, my friend. I've launched quite a few bombshells that were, indeed bombshells. However, I make it a personal policy to re-read all of my posts before I click submit. Quite often, I hit the back button on the browser or the backspace key and don't post.

 

I once over-reacted to a poster who didn't even know me at the time and blasted him in my own posting. I now regret the incident, but am very grateful for the friendship he and I now share. That was on a different board, but I think it applies here.

 

To all, I think where we get into trouble is when we attempt to apply just about any other term to a poster other than their handle or name. One time I thought the term "Dear China" was offensive until I asked the one who used it. He informed me it was a high term of endearment and I was happy to be so honored.

 

It pays to ask.

 

Unc.

[Eamonn]

Some thoughts that I have.

Any form of written communication does lose something in the translation. When I am face to face with someone I can use body language to soften what I might be saying. A smile and a little shake of the head, which says "No - Hang on a minute,I don't think your right." Is a lot less threatening then "I disagree."

Sad to say there are times when someone asks a question. One where the answer is clearly answered in black and white, with tons of reference material. But that wasn't the answer that they wanted to hear or read!! They then attack the answer. The person who gave the answer tries to defend it and so it goes on.

Things that we might and do ignore in the real world become real big on the Internet and in these forums. In the real world I see all sorts of things that others pass off as a uniform. I rarely if ever say anything to them. Yet when uniform is the topic here everything becomes black and white.Right and wrong.

We don't very much about each other and this not knowing can lead us to at times hurt each other. I think that almost all who post here are "Good People" They get as big a kick out of a kid smiling and or accomplishing something as you and I do. I feel sure that even those who seem to come off as being very up-tight and very prim and proper are much loved by the youth that they serve and have served.

As things are now in this Forum, I don't see anyone trying to be "One up" on anyone else. I get the feeling that we are very much in this game for all the right reasons.

I am aware of the good stuff that I have taken from the wise people that post here, I'm aware that I have shared it with a lot of others.

Maybe we ought to make better use of the private messages and ask people what they were trying to get across before we go full steam ahead?

Eamonn.

[boleta]

I did receive a PM from the person I offended. This thread was actually spun before I read the private message.

 

I thought most of what he had to say to me was appropriate for public consumption and would have benefitted those that read but don't post on the Forum (which is most of the users of Scouter.com).

 

That would be my main concern with PMs. The rest don't get the benefit of the conversation.

[johndaigler]

hey, everyone,

 

I agree with everything we've said above. And I don't think I can add much to the wisdom and sentiment, other than to personalize it.

 

Having just come from one of those tangled threads of misunderstanding, I can testify to our need to be careful...when we write posts, AND when we read posts. I thought I was being careful when I wrote (until my fingers suddenly disconnected from my brain in a bit of a pique!) but I realize now that I wasn't being as careful and generous when I read posts. And once that snowball started rolling down the hill ...

 

I think Eamonn has a great point about PMs. After I banished myself from that last angst-filled thread, I PMed several participants. The apologies, corrections and clarifications made so much more sense than continuing the NON-sense that the public discussion had become.

 

I think PMing is a great response to posts that "feel wrong". Clarifying them privately is much easier than out in the open, where the confusion grows more readily than it shrinks. Then, what gets posted publicly stays clearer and on topic. The saddest part of adding to the confusion is that it's easy to drag others down with you, or splash them with the muck. Even when it's other people in conflict, we too readily misunderstand and jump in neck deep.

 

Not the most fun-filled lesson I've learned lately . . . but sometimes those are the ones that stay with you, and others notice as worth learning and remembering.

 

Glad to be of service. ??????????

 

Catch ya' round the ol' Campforum.

 

jd

 

 

 

[Rooster7]

I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I like speaking plain and being blunt - which the web allows one to do. On the other hand, this freedom tends to make me a little insensitive. Even speaking to like minded folks, face to face, its easy to inadvertently send the wrong message. So, it's easy to see how some of these forums can get a little out of hand.

[boleta]

Perhaps JD is correct that a PM should be sent when tempers rise and the conflicts start to escalate. At least a brief pause would allow those involved in the disagreement to review privately what the main issues are. An agreement between them to post all or part of the PMs could be made if they feel the private discussion is relevant to the thread or will advance it. But, I think the PM should not be posted if either disagrees that it should be public.

[ASM59]

I agree with you Eamonn. All of us have a common love for the program that we are apart of and for the youth that we and that program serve. I respect anyone who is willing to give up a part of their life to serve the youth in these programs.

 

I tend to always think the best of people and their motives. I dont usually take things personally when someone disagrees with me or says something to me about the way I do something. I dont know where I get this from; must be a gift from God. In fact, I think this tendency helps when it comes to working with kids. They can say some mean things but I never take it personally.

 

A good friend who works as a counselor has told me in the past that more people need to be like this. And that if offended, you should go to that person and say, When you said ______ it made me feel ______. Is that how you meant it to come across? In my opinion, using this simple template could help.

 

I would bet that 90% of the time that offence is taken, that the person on the other end really hadnt intended to cause that offence. Even if they did intend it, I think later they wish that they hadnt. As Ive said in these forums before, We should be able to discuss our disagreements openly and honestly without anger.

 

ASM59