DEAR SON, IT'S A BRAVE NEW WORLD (Humor)

[Dedicated Dad]

Posted on Thu, Feb. 07, 2002

 

DEAR SON, IT'S A BRAVE NEW WORLD

By Michael Smerconish

 

WHEN THE American Academy of Pediatrics endorsed gay adoption this week, it motivated Michael Smerconish to write a letter to his youngest son - dated 20 years in the future.

 

June 1, 2022

 

Dear Lucky,

 

Congratulations on your graduation from college. You're going out into a strange world - one your dear old dad sometimes has difficulty understanding.

 

The changes started before you were born on Sept. 16, 2000 - almost exactly one year before the infamous events of 9/11. I figured that tragedy would reverse some things. I was wrong.

 

If you had told me years ago that California would one day send John Walker Lindh to the U.S. Senate, I'd never have believed it. I know he had a traumatic upbringing in Marin County, but still.

 

But what do I know? I'm the guy who told you that airport police should take a closer look at Arabs than nuns. (The profiling thing has always confused me.)

 

By the way, do you remember that summer when we toured the monument to police and fire at the World Trade Center site? Well, what would you say if I told you that it was motivated by a real photo of a flag being raised and that the people in the picture were three white guys, not the woman, black Hispanic and Asian now caste in bronze?

 

Things have been getting screwy for quite a while. But there has been progress.

 

No one was happier than I when we wiped out the AIDS virus. I just never understood why we stopped spending on research to fight heart disease, cancer and stroke - still the top three killers in this country.

 

And I know you share my tolerance. You had to be tolerant to participate in those scout sleep-overs. (Did I ever tell you that one of the Boy Scouts' core beliefs used to be a faith in God?)

 

Oh, now we're going way back.

 

When Congress still began each day with a prayer, kids in school started each morning with a pledge of allegiance, and some courthouses posted the Ten Commandments. (That was before the ACLU succeeded in getting eight of the commandments declared unconstitutional.)

 

Oh, well, things change. But we're excited about your future. We can't wait for you to settle down. Maybe meet a woman who might let you work outside the home instead of just relying on her salary.

 

You'll be a great dad, too. Your mother and I might not have the compassion and understanding of same-sex grandparents, but I think we'll do OK if you need a sitter. I just hope you will go easy with the genetic engineering.

 

A guy I know just became a grandparent for the first time. He's so excited. Everything turned out just as they ordered. You know: the blue eyes, the full head of blond hair and the guaranteed height of 6-foot-2. I know the kid will never be bald like me, but, still, it's creepy.

 

Beauty isn't everything. Back when you were a baby, they had something down the shore called the Miss America Pageant. Never then did I imagine that, today, we'd penalize a gal for the way she looks in a bathing suit!

 

Sometimes I think that it all started with the Clinton administration (that's the Hillary Clinton administration).

 

What an eight years! I knew change was coming when she first moved into the Oval Office and hung that art - Christ on the Crucifix with cattle dung all over it. Not my taste, but what do I know?

 

Ah, well, I really just wanted to write and say I'm proud that you performed so well in college.

 

I know, they don't give grades anymore, so we really can't say how well. It's been hard to track your academic success ever since they deep-sixed the SATs.

 

I can still remember a day when athletes were given preference in acceptance. I wonder if you could have earned an athletic scholarship? We'll never know. How could we? You never played a game in which they kept score, lest anyone would be branded a "loser." Ah, well - at least everyone always got a trophy.

 

Oh, it's a funny world. And still a dangerous one.

 

Who would've believed that in the year 2022, we'd still be arguing about what to do with Mumia? Or that the stiffest criminal sentences would be reserved for smokers?

 

Well, at least our country is safe. And maybe the credit does belong to the U.N. peacekeepers and their outposts in all 50 states. I'm not sure.

 

And I'm still not willing to concede that Congress was right in declaring the NRA a hate group. I mean, gun control is one thing, but when the handgun ban was expanded to police, that was troubling.

 

Well, I feel as if I have strayed from just offering my heartfelt congratulations on this rite of passage.

 

We love you. Good luck, and, - dare I say - God bless.

 

Love, Dad

 

Michael Smerconish's column appears every Thursday. His e-mail address is mas@mastalk.com.