Explaining that a scout is Autistic, without gossiping

[Scoutfish]

We have a new Tiger scout who is Autistic. We have had other scouts with Autism, or ADHD, and one who had Asperengers, but this boy is what I call more of a standout.

 

Now, since I am not an expert on Autism, have no training, and a small amout of experience with it, I cannot say wether this boy has it more or less severe. Meaning, I don't know if his actions are from a more sever case of Autism or a lighter case of it.

 

Here's what happened:

 

At our last pack meeting ( and his first pack meeting) we opened with colors, that I jumped into a game of "Simon Says". Basiccally, I got the scouts all riled up.

 

Then I welcomed everybody, said hellow, etc..and gave a few quick announcements before we started recognition of the scouts.

 

WEll, it was during the announcements that this scout walks up and stands beside me. I say hey to hjim, and shake his hand. He tells me his FULL birth name and I say to the audience: "WEll, this is "first name".

 

Then the scout looks at me and says: "NO! It's "first, middle, middle, last name"!"

I laugh, and so does the audience. He then says again: "NO! IT's "first, middle, middle, last name!".

 

I say with a big smile: Okay, thsi is First, middle, middle, last name. He's a new Tiger Cub."

 

So the scout shakes my hand and sits back down with his mom.

 

Then I start talkiing about our upcoming pack campout and mention that the scouts will have chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese for the Saturday supper.

 

So the same scout walks back up to me and tells me he loves macaroni. and then sits back down.

 

This happens several times before he finally walks behind me and sits at the drum set and starts playing the drums.

 

Okay, here's the deal, I had no idea that the scout was autistic at first, but after the 3rd or 4th time he came up, you could pretty much tell that something along those lines was going on. Could have been Autism, Asperengers, a topuch of Downs Syndrom ( except physical features) or any ADHD or similat trait. Could have been just a genuine friendly scout - whic is what I thought at first.

 

I learned from his DL that the mom said he was Autistic.

 

 

Okay, getting off track here....

 

While I thought this scout was actually very entertaining and added a really cool and special touch to the meeting, I could see quite a few parents give that look they give when they think a kid is just a spoiled brat.

 

After the meeting, and after the mom left, a few parents were talking abouyt how she wasn't doing a good job as a mom, with discipline, teaching respect, etc....and they themselves would never let their kid do that sort of thing.

 

 

So (finally) here is my question:

 

How do you explain to these parents that this scout has Autism and that he is not spoiled ...but explain it in a way that isn't making an example of the scout, or pointing at him? How do you explain this to prevent needless judgement and make sure that other parents decide to let their kids "just run around" because this one does without breaking the trust and confidentailality of the scout and mom?

 

I say this because I do not want it to sound like gossip and I do not want it to look like we are making fun or saying ( please excuse the bluntness )"Hey, look at the retard!".

 

I do not want to come off as condescending or patronizing, but I do feel the need to defend this mom and her son's honor.

 

That make sense?

 

I want these judgemental parents to know and UNDERSTAND what is going on, but do not want to point out this scout as being different.

 

I do not want to offend the mom, but I can tell that people are getting the wrong impression about him and at some point, the talking will get back to the mom as this stuff usually does.

 

I want this scout and mom to stay with us, and the DL loves the boy after 3 meetings.

 

Yeah, this is a touchy one.

 

Any advice? Thanks in advance!

 

Scoutfish

 

 

 

 

That make senser?

[AlFansome]

 

Seems to me the easiest thing to do is talk to the Mom (no e-mail), relay your concerns about how the boy will be accepted in the pack, and ask her what she'd recommend. Maybe she's been through this before, maybe she has some websites or other resources parents could go to for education, maybe she has some description or wording of her son's condition that parents (and you) could share with the other boys in the pack.

 

I would also ask her about techniques or other tips on handling the scout at pack meetings (both on her and your parts) so as not to overly disrupt the meeting.

 

 

 

 

[Twocubdad]

You say, "He's autistic."

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you absolutely must elaborate, I'd add, "I think he's a great little fellow and I'm looking forward to having him in the pack."

 

Edited to add -- be sure to call your council and ask them to send some one experienced in special needs kids to one of your committee meeting. Everyone in the pack needs to be trained on the subject. Be sure to involve the parents in the training and get their input.

 

Is it me, or does the Scout sound a whole lot like you, Scoutfish? (This message has been edited by Twocubdad)

[OwntheNight]

The mom is going to be the best resource. Have a friendly conversation with her about her son and what works, what to expect, etc... You're good at asking alot of questions to get to the root of things

 

As far as the other parents go, sometimes it's none of their business. If the parent of this child wants to make the information public, she will. The best thing you can do is learn what you can, and treat him the same way you treat the other boys, with dignity and respect. If you hear rumblings of gossip, rise above it and be the true example of the leader they see. "He's a great kid, and we're glad to have him in our pack" and leave it at that. Make a special point of saying Hi to this boy all the time, and spending time with him and his mom. If the other parents see that, they might be less likely to start talking about the boy, knowing that the CM is not turning a blind eye or is trying to help out. Whatever they want to think.

 

It might also be a good time to pull out a CM minute about diversity and accepting people for who they are.

[kari_cardi]

I'm with OTN. Show 100% acceptance of the boy by your actions and let the mom lead the way in what to share with the other parents. I promise, she is used to it. If you don't want/need disability training at the moment, you can read through the guide book for lots of useful information.

 

We have a boy who has special needs. We've never been given a diagnosis and so far, it hasn't been needed. His dad comes with him to all scout events. His dad and I had a moment to talk at the last pack meeting. He said that Cub Scouts is his son's favorite activity and the one where he feels most comfortable. It was a great thing to hear.

[Tampa Turtle]

In an ideal world the Mom (and boy) could just do a mini-mini-presentation to the group. Talk to the mom about it. In my experience (both as a parent with a similar boy and as a leader) the longer the delay the more misunderstandings develop..

 

Still it is up to the parents. Our family has always been pretty open about it. Others think it is no ones business. I have had some parents in serious denial. So as the others said, talk to her and be as accepting as you can.

[83Eagle]

How do you explain to these parents that this scout has Autism and that he is not spoiled ...I do feel the need to defend this mom and her son's honor.

 

I don't believe it is your responsibility to explain this to other parents or defend this particular mom/scout. Unless mom tells you otherwise I would treat any information about the son's condition as you would any other confidential medical/physical/emotional/developmental condition. Obviously after 6 years of being around other people with her son, the mom is aware of how others view things and will make her own decisions around the course of action she wants to take.

 

With that said, it is appropriate to reach out to the family and ask if there is anything they would like you to do.

 

I'm going to say something that is probably going to come off as insentive to some, but I do think it's reasonable for the rest of the parents to be frustrated about the disruptions in the meeting. You mentioned you thought it was "cool" but obviously not every parent feels that way. And the Pack is more than just one scout, it is all the scouts and all the families. We have had scouts with various degrees of autism, Asbergers, etc., in our Pack and I will say there is a wide range of parenting styles around boys with these challenges, from those who took a very active role, to those would make little effort to be engaged.

[Eagledad]

I guess I have worked with enough of these scouts and their families to not see a problem in your situation. If the mother needs your help with her son, she will approach you. If the other parents have some concern, they will approach you. More than once I have approached the parents of scouts who act a little different to walk away from the discussion feeling like the fool because they didnt think it was any of my business. When a critical situation arises and you need the help of the family, that will then be the time to approach them. But as far as I can see, the scenario you described doesnt warrant it yet.

 

I used to have the exact same situation you described with new Tigers and I handled them about the same as you did with your scout. Boys of that age are still toddlers and they just dont have the maturity yet to stay seated for 15 minutes strait. Anyway, a few years later I was talking to the wife of a scoutmaster friend and she told me her husband got involved in scouting because he liked how interacted with those Tiger cubs at the pack meetings. I didnt ask how that could have motivated him to become a scouter because I dont take complements well, but as others have said, I think your role model of how you interact with these scouts is the best way to show scouting at its best.

 

My advice is simply keep up the great work with this scouting stuff and dont seek out more than is really needed in these situations.

 

Barry

 

[Scoutfish]

Let me clarify something:

 

I have no problems with this scout at all. I think he's great! The DL and the boys in his den have no problem either. But this was this scout's first Pack meeting, and the first time the other parents saw him aside from him running around before or fater the den meetings....which means he looked like all the other scouts!

 

And at the pack meeting, him coming up and standing next to me isn't really all that different either. Alot of scouts will stand up, stand closer, get carried away during some pack meetings.

 

In this case, he came up right after I had them riled up and playing Simon Says.

 

So, the only issue was him walking up to the drum setb and starting to play it when I was talking.

 

And his mom did come up and get him every time he did this.

 

My question was about the parenst who are not associated with his den, and who would pretty much only see him during pack meetings.

 

But , I think I will just let things be like they are. If something gets said or brought up, I will handle it then.

 

Thanks!

 

[CalicoPenn]

Look those parents right in the eye and tell them their kids don't seem to have a problem with the lad, so why should they? Then tell them he's a great kid, you're glad he's in the pack, and their sons seem to like him in the pack too.

[krakatoa]

I'm DL for our Bear Den 2, it seems the good Lord put me there to lead our special needs children because 4 of the 5 boys I teach have some level of ADHD or (in my own son's case) Autism. We stand out as a den and everyone knows our boys are "not the same". We teach acceptance but to be honest, the other boys in the pack are certainly more accepting than the parents. My son and I have had our share of whispers and down right rude prejudice from day care workers, teachers and even church youth staff (real heart breaker there!). We have gotten to the point where we do not even bother with explaining our son to people as this seems to turn into some kind of apology. If they ask, we tell, if not then we march on like any other parent does. The cadre are the only ones I consider to be on the need to know list.

[SeattlePioneer]

Ummm. What may be charming at one meeting may be a nuisance and disruptive after several meetings.

 

I've had numerous boys who have had behavior issues when they entered Scouts. Fairly often, and if you are lucky, they learn better methods of behaving over time.

 

If you are lucky, you can afford to wait for that kind of behavior change.

 

If you can't you need to be pro active and take charge of defining what reasonable behavior is acceptable. If you don't --- well, one bad Scout can easily drive six good Scouts out of a unit.

 

This goes for any behavior issue. It requires good judgment to know what can be accepted or tolerated and for how long, and to decide how to intervene if the behavior is too extreme or doesn't change.

 

It's not just issues like autism. It could be a pugnacious boy who is aggressive towards others just as easily.

[noname]

Set rules/expectations for everyone including him. Also what are the consequences for not following. I had the same thing in my group and his parents thought it was cute till I enforced the rule. They left the group as I(&the group) did not find it cute or fair to those that did follow the expectations. Tell the parents "your diagnosis", well I have many years in human services and 'suggested' to my own brother that he should have his daughter tested for a developmental screening and he hasnt talked to me in 10 years. Afterall isn't it normal not to talk or show expressions till your 5?

[krakatoa]

Wow, I'm rather disappointed at the lack if sympathy for developmentally challenged children here. The overall concern for rules here seems to be contrary to what I see when I go to council/district events where so many "normal" kids are running around off the hook, who could tell them from the ADHD/Autistic lot?

Perhaps I'm a bit biased as my own son has issues, but I truly expected a little more compassion for this subject. Maybe BSA could open up a new wing for "Special Scouts" that way we don't disrupt "regular" people at the Pack meetings.

[CalicoPenn]

I've been thinking about this from another angle.

 

This might also be one of those learning moments for the leaders. You say this was during announcements? It occurs to me that nothing is more boring to 7 to 10 year olds than announcements. I'm wondering if "more normal" boys weren't tempted to do the same things, but were held back in a way that this lad was not.

 

Just something to add to the campfire discussion.