What to do?

[jamist649]

Several weeks back I (CM) recieved a call from a lady in the community who said she had heard about about our Pack and wanted her son to join. I told her we'd love to have him. She then stated that she was disabled (visually, among other things) and that she had relocated to the area recently and had NO family, friends, etc in the area. She said that she would NOT be able to accompany the boy on any outings and meetings would be difficult. We have a parent in the Den who drives for a local bus service and knew her from her use of the bus (special bus for disabled people). He, reluctantly, agreed to be the boy's mentor (we made sure that YP was followed) but this didn't last past the first meeting or two due to problems communicating with his Mom, schedules, etc. Things just havne't come together. Fast forward to now, the "mentor" is now a new DL for our group and I can't imagine asking him to saddle this resonsibility after agreeing to take on the Den. She called me while I was working tonight and left a voicemail almost "pleading" for me to call her and work something out for her son to participate. I **CAN NOT** take on anything else. I'm wrapped up at work, the Pack has grown into a second full time "job" for me, my assistant is wrapped up, I can't imagine anyone with any free time here lately that would be able to help. What do I do? I am totally at a loss. I want to boy to participate if he can but this lady would need ALOT of help. Uniform procurement, patch placement, I can't imagine who he would camp, meetings would be difficult, and on and on and on... ANY suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[Scoutfish]

Looking at this from the most simple veiw ( even though it may not be this simple in reality)...

 

Could another scout parent pick thsi child up on the way to den or pack meetings?

 

I mean, somebody who is close by or passes by this scouts house on the ay to meetings?

 

That would mnot be a YP issue at all since it does not involves the pack or leaders at the time.

That is something between the mom and the other parent.

 

As far as a mentor goes, the DL of his grfoup could be the mentor in the existing role he already takes as DL . In this position, he is already a mentor to all the boys in the den anyways..even if for only one hour a week.

 

Campouts? A little bit more involved, but still doable.

 

The boy could stay with any other parent that his mom arranges to act as guardian while camping, and when it comes to tent time, his tent could be right next to the adult who nagreed to take him along.

 

Really, the biggest issue is having a parent in the pack agree to carpool or take a tag along while camping.

 

Easier said than done, but the biggest pain would be to that parent and not the leadership of the pack.

[shortridge]

There is an actual manual for Scouting for youth with disabilities that might be helpful: http://www.scouting.org/filestore/pdf/34059.pdf

 

Some relevant excerpts, bolded for emphasis: "Since most Scout units do not have assistant leaders who have expertise in working with Scouts with disabilities, a parent may be required to attend unit meetings and activities, especially those activities that might require strenuous physical effort or that occur over an extended period of time."

 

and: "The advancement program is flexible. With guidance, most boys can learn and perform the skills. Advancement requirements should not be watered down or eliminated for boys with disabilities. The speed at which requirements are completed and the means of explaining them might need to be adjusted and simplified. It might take longer for a Scout with a disability to earn his awards. The standard for every boy is, Has he done his best? "

 

OK, so that's the official line. For practical, situation-specific advice, I think most people here would need a bit more information. What are the nature of this boy's disabilities? Is he legally blind or have another visual impairment? Does he have other physical challenges that would require accomodations?

 

I can't think of any situation why uniforms and patch placement, two items you cite, would become a problem caused or amplified by any boy's disabilities. Can his mother not order uniform parts online or at the local Scout Shop, or look in the book to see where patches are to be sewn on? Can you explain that some more?

 

If the Scout attends public school, he may have an IEP (individualized educational plan) that may give you some ideas for accomodations. Also: How does his mother handle issues outside of school? Does she have to be with him 24/7, or can he do some things relatively independently? If the latter, why not Scouting?(This message has been edited by shortridge)

[packsaddle]

Shortridge, it's the MOM who is disabled.

 

jamist649, I strongly sympathize with the moral conflict that you feel over this. I have been there myself. Scoutfish is 'doing his best' to suggest solutions and I am not going to disagree with his suggestions although from your post it sounds like you have already thought of some of those things.

What I write might sound harsh but it needs to be stated. YOU are not responsible for this boy. Ultimately, it is the mom who IS responsible for her son. In your situation, I would be concerned about already being overloaded needlessly by a pack that had grown into a "second full time 'job'". I know how that is. I also know that the key to taking some weight off of you in terms of running the pack, as well as finding solutions for this needy family, is the presence or the creation of a strong pack committee, one in which the members have been trained and can understand both their responsibilities as well as having an active interest in meeting those responsibilities.

As it is, from what I read in your post, you already feel 'snowed under' by your 'grown' responsibilities. This will burn you out even without the added weight of special situations like you describe.

You need to be able to say 'no'. This is something that the good person inside you will find difficult but you need to be able to say it for a lot of the things you would like to help on. Instead, you (or that committee I mentioned) need to find OTHER members of the pack to address needs (delegating responsibility)...and this extends to this special situation with the disabled mom. The ability to say 'no', to delegate responsibility, to rely on a strong and supportive committee...all these things will help you AND the pack AND persons like this special situation.

 

If you do NOTHING at this time, the situation will not be worse than it already is. That is not the worst outcome. One worst outcome is that YOU take on the responsibility to solve this problem rather than delegate this task to someone else. If your CO is a church it might already have a committee designed to address special needs like this. There may be other charities with interests along these lines or perhaps local government agencies which can help. But...DELEGATE the task of searching for solutions TO SOMEONE ELSE in the pack...better yet, let the committee address the problem.

Be kind but firm with the mom that in the case that you cannot find a solution, that until such a solution CAN be found, there are no good options available. DO NOT adopt this boy yourself.

I know from personal experience how bad this feels. I remind you that merely knowing about such a situation does not automatically bestow the responsibility of finding a solution to it, no matter how much it feels like it does. For the sake of you, the pack, and really the needy family as well, you must understand this.

Good luck

[shortridge]

Whoops - sorry, I completely misread that.

 

Agree 100 percent with packsaddle. But some of my questions still apply. How does she communicate/meet/interact with teachers at her son's school - all through the telephone? How does she purchase clothing, groceries, do laundry, etc.? If she can purchase the uniform parts, perhaps another parent can sew on patches. As for camping, cross that bridge when you come to it. Your pack is probably not going camping more than once or twice a year (my guess), so by the next campout, hopefully the boy will have found a friend whose dad or mom agrees to take him under their wing.

 

Your CO needs to be contacted and asked for assistance. This is just the type of situation that a good CO can step up to the plate for.

[Lisabob]

Well I hear what you are saying, and I agree that there are limits to what you can be responsible for doing. Everyone has their own, busy, lives. You should not feel guilty about this, nor should the "mentor" who is now the DL, esp. if he doesn't really want to do it.

 

On the other hand, I have been a mom who lived in a town where I knew no one, had no family to help me, etc. This was made harder in one situation because the town I lived in was far from where I worked, and really, I only slept there - but that was not the case for most folks there, and so I really, really was an outsider. So I had a very hard time developing any sort of social safety net for myself, even such simple things like: who should I list as alternate contacts on my son's school forms?

 

Thank goodness for cub scouting, not just for my son, but for me - it helped me form a quasi-family network to deal with the many daily challenges of raising young kids. And it helped my son make friends, too. I was very concerned that my outsider/isolated status would cut him off from the community, too (which sounds like the case, for this mom). On the other hand, we nearly always participated in cubs as a family, I have a wonderful and supportive husband (who was equally unconnected to the community, though), and I also have the fortune of not being disabled, myself, as this mom apparently is.

 

So I can sense this mom's desperation. She knows she needs help and thinks scouting could offer her/her son an opening into the community, but she can't seem to make it work.

 

The mom is reaching out to you because YOU are the CM and seem like the most obvious contact. You actually aren't the right point-person here because you don't have the resources to address this problem. But rather than do nothing because you can't solve her problem, try to guide the mom to some people or groups in your community who do have the resources to help her.

 

 

Is your pack chartered by a church or other socially conscious organization? Do you belong to any such organization, whether it is the one that charters your pack, or not? If so, maybe somebody in the church (kindly grandparent type? Stay-at-home mom? Neighbor lady?) could offer to help the boy get to scouting events. Maybe they can't do all the events, or don't want to go camping, but could bring the boy to most den & pack meetings. Let them set some boundaries of their own. But it is a thought.

 

What about a program like Big Brothers & Big Sisters? Do they serve your area? Maybe scouts is the main thing a Big Brother could do with this boy.

 

 

 

[SeattlePioneer]

>

 

 

I disagree with Scoutfish on this one. If the pack leaders arrange transportation for a youth, Youth Protection Policies Apply, in my opinion.

 

For good or ill we have rigorous YPT rules. The tendency is to ignore them when they are inconvenient or difficult to do.

 

I'm afraid Scouting is increasingly adopting glittering standards which are going to be increasingly ignored by unit leaders that find it impractical to respect them.

 

I liked the suggestion of a Big Brother sponsor for this boy, although I imagine those volunteers don't grow on trees either.

 

While unfortunate, a parent who announces that they are incapable of making any contribution to the pack, but are requesting burdensome special services is not someone I would accept for membership. We simply don't have the resources to provide such services. I'd prefer to be honest and upfront about that myself.

 

(This message has been edited by seattlepioneer)

[ScoutNut]

I am confused.

 

The mom is visually disabled. She also has other unnamed disabilities.

 

The son is fine. He has no disabilities, or problems, at all - other than a disabled single mother.

 

So, why does the boy need a "mentor"?

 

 

It sounds like what the boy needs is a ride to meetings, and a den leader who is willing to make sure a parent is clearly communicated with on den and Pack issues/events.

 

 

[kari_cardi]

In my pack, we would discuss the scout (discreetly) at a leadership meeting and brainstorm solutions. Someone might have an old uniform shirt, someone else might sew on patches. A third person might know someone for a ride to meetings or be willing to give a ride themselves. I don't think one person has to take complete responsibility for him, assuming of course that he isn't a Tiger. But we would do our best to keep him in the pack by working together. I like also the idea of bringing in the COR, if you have one that is involved.

[jamist649]

OK, I just called her back and told her to give me some time to try to get it worked out. We don't have any PACK events for the next couple of weeks anyway so I have some time. She was VERY appreciative...to the point of making me feel even worse for not being able to help more. I don't know if I feel better, or worse.

 

[Basementdweller]

this is a typical situation for us. We have parents with palsey and we do most everything for the scout. I sew patches, we have a uniform closet. we have parents pick them up and drop them off. We have a library of used scout books.

 

Camping isn't that big a deal. Just assign him to an adult......If all of the leaders are looking out for him. He won't be a burden. Just tent him with another scout. Piece of cake.

[Scoutfish]

"I disagree with Scoutfish on this one. If the pack leaders arrange transportation for a youth, Youth Protection Policies Apply, in my opinion. "

 

Well, no and no.

 

No, I didn't say the leaders arrange it. I am saying the mom could call or ask another parent.

 

BUT still, If I ask : "Hey, is there any parent that lives near Scout X's hous who wouldn't mind giving hgim a ride to den/pack meetings?", then this is still not under the YP . It is no different than when they do it themselves or when at a movie, the park, at school, birthdays, whatever is done on personal time ( outside the pack).

 

The leadership cannot be in charge of or control everything that happens before, after, around or even soimetimes during scouting events.

 

I am responcible for me and the leadership under me. If The Smiths allow their son to hang out with , ride with or travel to/from whatever event with Mr Jones...my authority does not override that. I can only stop Jr from sleeping in Mr Jones tent!

 

 

[Basementdweller]

Gonna disagree scoutfish

 

I would not just have a random parent pick this boy up. I would make sure they have taken youth protection. Having a family friend taking a scout is one thing, jamist doesn't know this kid from adam, nor is the family known.

 

Just sayin, I would probably pick him up the first couple of times.......

 

 

[Scoutfish]

That's just it though...I am not "having" anybody do anything.

It is not a scouting directive or order. It is not me doing it. I would be simply asking if anybody - of their own free will- would be willing to help the mom out.

 

At that point, the mom is 100 % and entirely in control over wether she approves , disapproves or any other finer detail...which needs to be worked out between them.

 

 

[AnnLaurelB]

GREAT topic! And a tough one.

 

I have to agree that if the kid is IN a Den, and part of the Cub Promise is "help other people", it stands to reason that if the DL makes it known that the mom-son team needs some help, that they could do that amongst themselves, because it is the right thing to do.

 

Could the DL maybe have a DEN meeting AT the boy's HOUSE sometime, so the mom could meet the other parents? Sounds like SHE could use some friends, too! And if other PARENTS volunteer to drive Johnny, and she accepts, without prompting from any Scout leader, then YP is not violated (imho), since Wolfs-Webs can be dropped off, anyway.