boy stuck in a divorce situation?

[gcan]

We have a Webelos 2 boy whose mother is very active in the pack, and attends most everything with and without her son. The boys parents have been divorced since before he started scouts.

 

Dad has (just this year) decided that he is no longer going to bring the boy to any events. he's shown up to a few and even demanded the kid leave with him (it was his normal pick up time anyway). He refused to let the boy participate in a recent Camp-o-ree, pulled the kid out of the pool on 'swim night' so he could leave, he showed up halfway thru the Memorial Day service and told the kid to get in the car, they were going to the the shore... and this is just this month.

 

The boy seems to really enjoy scouting, but doesn't want to "make dad mad" by telling him he wants to participate. He's already fallen behind as far as badges go, and was upset when he did not get an attendance awards like most of our den. We do try to schedule things around this kids' visitation, but he's only one out of 20 kids- it's not always possible. We've tried to include the father, but he still refuses to participate even when he is present.

 

What can we do? The leader has spoken to him, and he says that yes, the boy will be at something, then he doesn't show up. We are considering telling him mom won't show in the hopes that this is the problem, but then we loose a useful adult and there's no garuntee he'll bring the kid anyway.

[Lisabob]

Although I understand your motives I don't think it would be a good idea to play middle man(woman?) in someone else's messy divorce by telling each parent when the other one will or won't show. That's just really not your job and incidentally, is kind of unfair to your dedicated volunteer who IS there, helping out ("mom"). And unfortunately there isn't a law against parents using their children as pawns in dumb adult power games. That certainly sounds like part of what the dad is doing here.

 

A couple of thoughts:

 

1) Help the boy figure out how to work on something on his own. No he may not get the attendance award but maybe he can earn some other award that will give him a few minutes in the spot light. Who knows, maybe there's even something his dad really likes to do that he can ask dad to help him with. In addition to the various beltloops/pins a few others might include the world conservation award, the leave no trace awareness award, the emergency preparedness award, and plenty of others. Or just encourage him to pick a beltloop/pin to work on (maybe with dad). The nice thing about many of these is that he doesn't need to be at the den meeting to do most of them.

 

2) Is this boy moving on to boy scouts? If so, maybe dad will be more interested in that program. I've met several dads (and some moms) who just don't "get" cub scouts but who really enjoy boy scouts with their kids. It is a very different type of program. At the same time, in my own experience, troops tend to be less able to schedule around an individual boy's family situation the way you described. The best troops tend to meet every week and camp once a month (most months anyway) and they just can't pull it off to avoid Bobby's dad's visitation weekend, etc.. They go when they go, and boys who are free and want to attend, do. There isn't as much a sense of group advancement in boy scouting so this works a little better there, I suppose, than in cub dens where often all or most of the boys advance together.

[evmori]

Gotta agree with Lisa. Don't get in the middle of this! It isn't your place & without knowing it you could create a real mess! Just be there for the boy when he is there!

 

Ed Mori

1 Peter 4:10

[ScoutNut]

Nope, don't get in the middle.

 

What you can do is talk to the dad and explain that while you do your best not to infringe on his time with his son, there are times when it is unavoidable. Let him know it is important to his son, his den and Pack to let the leader know if they will have to leave early or not be able to attend an event.

 

You might also explain to him that his son wants to be able to work on the badges he missed. He can work with his son on these badges at home and, as long as his son keeps a journal of the work and brings in anything that was made, they can get approved by the den leader and he can get awarded his badges.

 

 

[ScoutNut]

Also, be sure you get the dad a copy of all Pack and den calendars and newsletters so he knows when Scout activities are sheduled.

 

 

[scouter.claude]

Been there, done that. My ex-wife decided that getting our youngest son (who lived with her) to the troop meeting on Monday nights was just too hard. I offered to pick him up but was told it wasnt my night to have him. I was the Scout Master and our other two boys (who lived with me) were also in the troop. Not much can be done when an adult acts more like a child than the child. My youngest only made it to first class, unfortunately missed out on a lot of campouts and events, and eventually dropped out of scouting.

[John-in-KC]

As a Dad who brought his kid up in Scouts after divorce, I understand the issue of wanting "my own time with my son." I think I'm blessed, folks helped me see the value of various external activities ...

 

Agreed. Stay out of the middle ground.

 

Options, which are not in the middle ground, imo:

 

- CC/CM/DL invite Dad for coffee. Explain Aims, Methods and program of cub scouting. Show it adds value to youth. Since the young man is a Web 2, share the Scout Oath and these particular elements of the Scout Law: Helpful, Friendly, Courteous and Kind.

 

- Have a similar coffee with Mom. Make sure she understands she will start disconnecting with her son as he moves up into the Troop, and he will have more opportunity to be independent.

 

- CC/CM have a quiet discussion with the COR about unit practices for children and parents of divorce.

 

- Absolutely do keep Dad in the loop with information.

 

- Privately, pray for the young man.

[Gold Winger]

Parents too often use the kids as tokens in their games.

 

I know of too many situations where it would be easy to say, "He has Scouts so you can have him another night." A little sacrifice for mom but it might make dad happy because he's not missing "his night."

 

Then again, maybe dad is just being a butt head (can I say butt head) because he wants to irritate mom.

 

Fortunately, I don't have those games to play.