bad behavior from assistant den leader-long

[cubsdenleader07]

What do you do when your assistant den leader wont assist? I can't get her to do anything. I am a new den leader, and she offered to help. She was excited about the program but has since lost all interest, and wont help me plan anything. Last one, she forgot it was her turn to bring snack and left for half the meeting to go buy one. She sits and watches me run around setting up the den meetings and wont control her own child who is constantly screaming and into everything. I mentioned this to her and if she could maybe help out more, she said she has Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and a list of other mental/physical/emotional issues and said I have to give her specifics to do or she can't remember. So I asked her to bring the game or craft. She shows up empty handed and when I ask if she brought it, she gives me a dirty look and says "NO!" and then my den plan is screwed up. She talks about inappropriate things in front of the parents (that her house is infested with mice, that she beats her husband, swears in front of the kids and parents, and constantly telling them last years den leader was useless). She missed the last pack meeting (a very important activity filled pack meeting), and emailed me afterward that she forgot. She has an unfortunate constant flatulance problem and doesn't leave the room to excuse herself, but passes gas right next to people. Lately, she is turning in achievements and belt loop requests for activities that she admits she "fudges". The problem is that she and I became friends earlier in the fall when we started being the leaders (before I got to know her well), and our kids are friends, so it is hard to hurt her feelings. I can tell the parents are uncomfortable around her and I don't want it to relfect on me or hurt the den. She also informed me as of late, that she has been in trouble with the law before (jail for traffic/alchohol violation). I feel that this behavior is totally inappropriate for a position like this. Wouldn't that show up when they screened her application? Sorry this is so long and I'm not trying to sound like a horrible person, but I really am at a loss and I'm afraid if I bring it up to the CM or anyone else, she will get talked to and get really irrate with me. Am I overreacting, or should I say something to someone...she told me she wants to do this again next year! Lord help me.

[evmori]

This is easy. Tell her that her services are no longer need, advise the CM & CC what you are doing & have them remove her from your charter.

 

Ed Mori

1 Peter 4:10

[Lisabob]

Cub scouting brings together lots of different people with different needs. Sometimes the adults are more in need of help than their children are. These folks are frequently well-known in the school and community and sadly, not in a good way. And they tend to be more prominent when their children are in early elementary grades because that's where parent/child involvement in activities is most common. One thing I learned from my time as a cub leader is that you cannot run a program without addressing some of these sorts of issues. It becomes the elephant in the room. Every parent there is aware of the problem. It is keeping you from running the den program the way you want to run it, to the detriment of all of the boys. And it is clearly irritating you (understandably so). So yes, I think you DO need to have a conversation with your cubmaster and your committee chair about this situation, and I think sooner rather than later is better. Do this face to face rather than via email, and make sure to do it in some semblance of privacy. Ask the CM and CC for support for whatever course of action you prefer to take. Perhaps they can find a "behind the scenes" job for this woman that will keep her occupied and out of your hair.

 

And in the meantime, since she has proven her unreliability, don't rely on her. If you feel you must give her things to do, make them things where, if she doesn't do them, it won't upset your whole plan. And don't forget to get your other families involved - just because they aren't official assistants doesn't mean they can't lead a meeting, or part of a meeting, from time to time!

 

Good luck, keep us posted.

 

[local1400]

I'm with Ed. While I can overlook flatulence, "fudging requirements" I find intolerable. You teach the boys to cheat and get rewarded. She needs to go. It is better to hurt HER feelings than the success of the den/pack.

[FireKat]

Most of the other poster have been polite but that person needs to go. Adults are roll models and her behavior is not a roll model I ever want to see around kids. If she beats her husband what is to keep her from hitting a kid? Don't wait for it to happen, remove her before someone gets hurt.

 

[ScoutNut]

If you feel you need the help, there is no reason not to ask another parent to be an Asst Den Leader. There is no limit on the number of leaders a den can have.

 

If you don't want to talk to the CM and CC to have her removed, then give her things she can do at the meeting that don't require pre-planning on her part. Things like checking books for things signed off at home, collecting dues, passing out newsletters, passing out supplies, cleaning up after the meeting, etc.

 

I would also have a talk to her about inappropriate conversations, swearing, and most importantly, the "fudging" of her sons accomplishments. Remind her of the purpose of Cub Scouting and that if she lies about what her son has done it will only hurt him in the long run and force you to not be able to trust her.

[cubsdenleader07]

I wanted to thank everyone for their quick response to my question. Everyone is really helpful here and I am really glad I found this site. I just wanted to update. I emailed one of the parents (who is very involved) and asked her to assist with some projects and brainstorm with me on things to do in the den. I am hoping this woman will basically take over the official assistants job, since anything she does will be more than what is done now. I am going to talk to the CC in private on Wednesday at the Committee Meeting on how to go about dealing with the assistant. Maybe she can tell her she needs her to help in another area, but the problem with that is, she will still be at the den meetings with her son, and continue to infuriate everyone. I am hoping one of the parents complains and I can wash my hands of the whole thing. I am just really into the program, I spend a lot of time on it daily to make sure I'm doing things right so I want to stay in it and finish the year without aggravation. Anyways, thanks again, and I'll let you know what happens

[Lisabob]

You are hoping one of the parents complains. Well YOU are "one of the parents" too! Just because you agreed to put on the den leader hat does not mean you abdicated your parental role in your child's scouting experience. What happens most of the time in these situations is that everyone waits for someone else to act. When no one acts, at the end of the year half of the parents say to themselves well, I've had enough of that, so I just won't re-register my kid in the program next year. You lose a whole bunch of boys because no parent spoke up. I'm not advocating rudeness or clique-ish behavior, but if it is that bad, be the parent who steps up and raises the concern.

[cubsdenleader07]

You are totally right, I contacted the CM and we're going to talk about the situation so they know exactly what is going on. I was thinking the same thing, that I'm also a parent and if I wasn't the den leader, it would certainly make me upset anyways, so I'm going to do what is right. I'll let you know what happens. Thanks again!

[TigerLisa]

I don't have any words of wisdom beyond what the other posters have suggested. I just wanted to wish you good luck with this difficult situation. I can imagine how distressing it must be for you. Please do post an update and let us know how your CM/CC handled this.

[Pack378]

From what I am hearing she does not hold up to the core values of Scouting... Leaders have regulations they have to live up to just like the kids. I don't know how your meetings are held but in my den meetings parents are allowed to stay in the room as long as they don't interrupt the boys. I have asked parents to step outside if they want to talk. I encourage parents to help in the meeting but if they don't, don't make it so I have to throw up the scout sign to get the parents quite. Tell her to lead by example or get to steppin....LOL

 

Last but not least don't let her through ADD in there, I have ADD and I can remember to bring snacks to the meeting, plus a game, activity, etc...... It sounds like she just does not care....

[cubsdenleader07]

Just an update...She has been told to stop her antics and is now on her last chance. She came to a pack function this week with stains and dog poop on her uniform shirt, completely in disarray, yelling that she was going to resign because her dog had the runs. I have, on a happier note, found a few moms that are happy to help and offered their services anytime I need a hand so I am grateful. Anyone having similar issues, just take a breath and it will get better. (This message has been edited by cubsdenleader07)

[ElyriaLeader]

Hopefully she left before causing any more of a disturbance. And hopefully that little tirade ended her "last chance" you spoke of, and the wheels are turning to have her removed from all interaction with the pack, while I feel for her son, and would hate loosing him as a scout, rather the 1 than the 5,10,20 others who might quit because of her increasingly poor behavior.

[Jeffrey H]

Adult Attention Deficit Disorder? Right, that's the great cop-out response these days.

 

Good responses to your ADL problem. No need to take her off the roll, just stop asking her to do things and don't expect her to do anything regardless of her Title. She is no longer your Assistant from her own actions. Proceed forward without her and find another willing Assistant that does not make excuses.

 

As you know, we are volunteer leaders because we are acutally "doing" the program. We effectively resign when we stop "doing" regardless if our name is on the membership roll.