Mother of Cub Dying - What Should Den Do?

[Greg Nelson]

This may seem like an odd question, but I bet there are those out there who have dealt with this situation.

 

I have a boy in my Webelos den whose mother has had cancer for the past couple of years. Most of the boys know that she is "sick", and a couple of the boy's closest friends understand that she is not likely to get better. She has now reached the stage where it's quite possible she will pass on in the next couple of months.

 

What would be an appropriate way to handle this in the den? For some of these boys, this will be the first death of someone they have known. I don't want to completely ignore it, but I'm not sure what level of awareness I should bring to the den. Should we attend the funeral as a den, or leave that to the individual families? This would be a Buddhist service, which might open up questions I'm not prepared to deal with. What could we do for the boy?

[Gold Winger]

I believe that the entire den should go both to comfort their friend as well as to let them learn that death is part of life.

 

The way that parents try to shield their children from death has bothered me for years. My mother had a large family and I grew up visiting funeral homes two or three or more times a year. An elderly relative died when my kids were small and people thought that I was horrible for taking them to "Look at a dead person." When my mother died, I told the girl that I was dating at the time and her response was, "I hope you don't mind but I'm not going to come to the funeral home. I'm not into that death thing." ?? I said, "Do you think that I'm into it?" The dating ended shortly thereafter.

 

It isn't a matter of liking it or enjoying it. It is a matter of obligation. To show that you care about the person who just suffered a loss.

 

It really winds up being up to the parents but I'd encourage everyone to make a visitation to the funeral home and then have the den go as a group to the funeral. It is going to be a rough day for the boy and having friends there will make life a little easier. It would be nice for the Cubmaster and Committee Chair to show up too.

 

 

[ScoutNut]

When it happens, I would first speak to the father and find out what is appropriate within their religion and family. The may not wake the body or have a regular funeral home visitation.

 

Once you have the information from the family, make sure everyone in your den and also the Pack knows. If the family agrees, it might be nice to coordinate some kind of Scouts Own with the rest of the Pack for whatever visitation they have. It will be up to the families if they wish to participate.

 

At the very least the boys can send their friend and his family a card. A nice big blank note card with each boy putting in a note and signing it would be nice.

 

[Eamonn]

ScoutNut,

Is 100% on the money, when he says about asking the family what they want.

I also think the parents of the Den need to be asked what they feel should be done? If anything?

If and when the time comes, I think leaving it to the families of the Den is what I'd do.

They know the level of understanding that their son has.

 

Back when OJ was seven, we had a bad year.

His rabbit died, the cat died, his goldfish died and my father passed on. After all this he looked at me as only a young Lad can and said "Daddy, doesn't Heaven ever get full?"

 

I'm sure I would not want to be the adult leader taking a group of Cub Scouts to a funeral, I feel they are just too young to grasp and understand everything that might be going on.

The little Lad with the mother who has cancer needs all the love and support that you can give him now.

When we found out that Her Who Must Be Obeyed had cancer, I was mad.

Mad at just about everything and everyone, I was even mad at God. I was even mad at her. The idea that she would go and leave me, made me mad.

I was so upset and mad along with feeling sorry for myself, that in some ways I shut OJ out.

Deep down I knew how much he needed me and all the love I could give him, but I was just too busy being mad.

In time I got over it.

But it's very hard taking care of someone else, when you can't take care of yourself.

Since then I have been part of the Cancer Support Team at the clinic where HWMBO had her chemo. I have explained how I felt and it seems that a lot of other people go through the same feelings.

The husband and father is going through a rough time.

Having the Den say a little prayer for the family even when the son is at the meeting would seem to me to be a good thing to do.

A very good friend of mine (The wife of OJ's SM) lost her battle with cancer a few months back. She had fought it for about seven years. When it got to the time when she just wasn't able to do anything we got together with her Church Family and provided cooked meals for her and her husband. When she went to the hospital for the last time, I looked in and walked their dog. Not a big deal, but I felt I was doing something to help.

I will add this family to my prayers.

Eamonn.(This message has been edited by Eamonn)

[scoutldr]

One of my scout's dad died last year from a very aggressive pancreatic cancer. We watched a handsome hulk of a man dwindle down to nothing within six months. His pain was unrelenting. When he passed, the family asked us to attend the Mass as a troop in uniform, which we of course did. During his illness, we did our best to assure that the scout had a place to come where he could experience some sort of normalcy, even if just for an hour or two. Mom encouraged him to continue camping and summer camp, and we did have a few meltdowns, but we worked through it. Scout just made Life and is well on his way to Eagle, which I'm sure will be dedicated to Dad. I think it's important to ensure the scout is not treated differently. Your meetings and activities will be a respite for him and a chance to be a regular kid.

[Gold Winger]

"I feel they are just too young to grasp and understand everything that might be going on."

 

Only if the parents don't shield their children from the reality that death is part of life. The first funeral that I can remember as a child was my great uncle George. We went, I said good-bye, they dropped him into the ground and then we ate. As a child I went to funerals for aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and even friends. I never had any trouble understanding what was happening and neither did any of my hundreds of cousins (literally).

 

I know adults who were never exposed to funerals and death as a child and they can't deal with it now as an adult.

 

Just like skiing or soccer, acceptance comes best with early exposure.

[Gonzo1]

GW, I think you're off base.

Scout Nut has it right. It's not what you think about "exposure" and how someone else "deals" with it. it about the family and what THEY want.

 

About 10 minths ago, one of the dads in the troop dies tragically in an accident. Everyone went to the funeral home, but my son didn't approach the casket, however, my son was there to support his friend. I didn't push him to do anything.

 

 

[ElyriaLeader]

I also think ScoutNut has the right idea, it really should be up to the surviving members of the family as to what they would like. Stay cool GW, I'm not advocating hiding death behind a shroud, it is a part of life that has to be dealt with, but each person has to deal with the feelings it brings in their own way, maybe a den discussion with the groups parents, and possibly a clergy member in attendance about ""losing someone close to you and how you would feel"" would help to shed a little light on this perceived ""dark"" subject. Just my $.02 because as we all know, no amount of discussion will make the loss any easier for the scout in question, but lots of love, and support from friends and family will help the pain pass just that little bit sooner.

YIS

[acco40]

When my daughters great grandmother died, we travelled, stayed in a hotel for two days and attended the wake and funeral the next day. She was about 7 years old.

 

A year later her great uncle passed away. Same scenario.

 

The next year, her grandmother passed away (my mother). We travelled (600 miles) and we stayed at my mothers house (my boyhood home). Her reaction was - what, we aren't staying in a hotel? She associated funerals with hotels - swimming pools, and other "neat" stuff. My younger son, about 10 asked me if I was now an orphan (my father passed away before he was born). Children see things differently that adults do. The world still centers on them. That is not wrong, just how it is and appropriate for that stage of development.

 

My oldest son had his religious education teacher pass away (she was in her mid 30s, very young and she died unexpectedly - aorta burst). He was angry and confused. Why had God taken a "good" person who was his teacher and his friend's mother? At a young age we teach children that God is good, loves you and wants you to "behave." Then he witnesses that same God kill a good person (from his point of view). Adults struggle with this as well (see Eamonn post above).

 

Yes, everything that is born will die. It is a part of life. But for kids, the Lion King may be more appropriate than a funeral for some (not all). I think what is most important is the response of their loved ones - parents, siblings, etc. They will take their cues from them.(This message has been edited by acco40)

[ASM857]

In the past we had a cub pass on ina car accident, as a Pack we sent a poster board card everyone signed, and we left it up to the parents if they would go to the visitation. We went and I think it helped my son's understand a little better that live can be short, and to live it to it's fullest. GW is right my wife never went to a funeral as a kid and it freaks her out to go.

 

Just my thoughts

YIS

Doug Buth

[mrmaden]

A couple of years ago our cubmaster died we informed all of the parents and had a parents meeting to discuss what we should do we decided to let the parents talk to their boys and let them decide what they thought they should do. They decided that we should attend the funeral and present the colors and being that he was a veteran the scouts presented his wife with the flag that draped his cascet at the end.All this was done with her permission and the entire family family was very impressed and aprecietive at how the scouts handled a very difficult sittuation.

 

YIS

Ron Maden