Dealing with Single Parents

[ladyleader]

The privacy thing is a little too far fetched for me. I've decided to inform all parties that were listed on the scouts registration form. I believe there is room for only one primary contact and emergency contacts. I am leaving it up to the primary parent to inform other parties unless the other party ASKS for the information. I would comply unless it is known that the other party does not have rights to the scouts involvement (i.e. restraining order). There is no easy answer here, to many ifs.

 

I also feel that if I was a male den leader, this mom wouldn't have come forward with such assertion. I am the only female leader in our pack. The other leaders don't seem to have these relation issues.

[Lisabob]

ladyleader, I'm not sure but I suspect that this has less to do with you being female than it does with the individual parents involved. I've seen situations similar to the one you have described develop in dens with male leaders as well as with female leaders. Thankfully they are rare though (most adults are capable of acting like, well, adults (!) and do not attempt to drag outside parties like den leaders into their personal mess), and that might be why the other leaders in your pack haven't had to deal with such problems.

 

What Mark described in terms of information policy might work for him. I know that if I had done something like that it would've caused more problems than it would've solved. I suppose it depends a bit on the context, but I wouldn't advocate such a restrictive policy as standard practice since it puts you (as controller of information about their child) squarely in the middle of the parents' dispute.

 

Hang in there for now. Hopefully, by the time fall rolls around, things will have calmed down and you won't have to deal with these problems again!

 

Lisa'bob

[ScoutingEMT]

I would suggest speaking with all "listed" parents - giving them the option to have both parents put on the contact information and troop email newsletter. If a parent approches me and asks to be put on the email contact lists, I'd check with the "listed" parent... so long as they agreed to it, I don't see a problem.

[MarkS]

ScoutNut, ladyleader, Lisa'bob... Sorry but with all due respect, our top responsibility as leaders is youth protection and their safety. Not communication. On the other hand, are the boy's likely to be at risk becuase you say something to someone you shouldn't? NOT LIKELY but it only takes one time.

 

A single parent household is altogether different than a two parent household. In such cases, I recommend that you obtain permission of the parent that registered a boy with scouts before sharing information about the boy's activities with anyone. You have no business assuming the state of that person's relationship with an ex-spouse and sharing information without permission. Parents are much more likely to forgive your caution than your irresponsibility.

 

Don't get me wrong. When I was a den leader, I strongly and frequently encouraged my single parents to include their ex's in their boy's activities... half the boys in my den had divorced parents. However, I quickly found that sharing information without permission can cause the most problems.

 

ladyleader, this is exactly what happened to you, you shared the private information of one parent with the other and it caused problems. Leaving the responsibility to the primary parent to do the communicating for you is the right idea, but I suggest you do not comply with requests for information unless it is known that the other party DOES HAVE rights to the scouts involvement. Also, I'm trying to figure out where on a cub or boy scout application there's a list of contacts. I see only one.

 

Hopefully you recognize now that the privacy thing is not too far fetched.

 

ScoutingEMT... right on!(This message has been edited by MarkS)

[ladyleader]

MarkS, you are absolutely right-I have no right to assume anything. I guess with the ongoing frustration of trying to contact parents, with no success, I cut corners and just passed the info on. Ironically, the unlisted parent does most of the hands-on activities with the scout. i.e. pinewood & space derby vehicle construction. The stuff that mom cares not to delv into.

 

I joined the scouts and became a den leader because I believe in the program's core values. Most other extracurricular activities advocate winning and competition. Scouting principals advocate teamwork and doing your best. I want to mold these boys into good men. I thought I signed on to do just that. I was naive to think that baggage wouldn't come with the job. Oh well, things will calm down and a new year of cubscouting will start in Sept. p.s. I'm in a two parent household and my husband is a den leader too.

[MarkS]

ladyleader... I have found communicating with parents (and other leaders) to be the most time consuming part of being a leader. For me anyway. I did the exact same thing you did and passed info on to both parents to save time. Unfortunately, unknown to me, the relationship between the two divorced parents in question took a downturn and the parent that didn't have custody started using information on sheduled activities to put up roadblocks for the boy to participate. For example, "that's my weekend and I don't want to do Scouting for Food" or "that's my week and I want to spend time with him instead of sending him to camp" after previously giving the okay for the boy to participate. If I hadn't sent the email announcing the activities, the listed parent would have ensured that the boy been able to participate when he or she had custody.

 

I understand that it can be trickier when the unlisted parent is the most active parent. However, if you're clear to both parents that it's up to them to share information. They will work it out. They may need help from the courts but at least they're not screaming in your ears.

 

In the end it's still worth it because you really do make a positive impact in the growth of the boys.

 

I too became a den leader because I believed in the program's core values and the principals advocate teamwork and doing your best. I wanted to mold these boys into good men. I found that parents are the baggage that comes with the job. You'll find that things will calm down pretty quickly. I'm in a two parent household and my wife is a committee member or at least I was until my boy crossed over. I'm now an ASM in his Troop--new job, new adventures.

 

You might want to call your council office. They might have a legal department that can offer suggestions.

[John-in-KC]

As a Scouter and a divorced dad (but not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV)... I think Mark S's last comment is where this thread needs to go: Ladyleader, I strongly recommend you contact your local Council office. Most, if not all Councils have an attorney volunteer to be their General Counsel. He's the right person to be giving you guidance on what you can and cannot do IN YOUR STATE!!

 

Unfortunately, your first job ... delivering a great Cub Scouting program to 6-8 young men is colliding with the required administration of being a Den Leader. You will burn out too soon if dealing with adults prevents you from having fun by being a mentor to some great young men.

 

At the same time, you cannot (literally) afford the time, energy, and effort that would come if a divorced parent decides to take YOU to court because you are interfering with a contractual parenting plan. Sadly, you cannot be the arbiter of the child's best interests. When parents have joint legal custody, that's a combined job. If they disagree, they have alternatives ranging from mediation to going back to the Court for more guidance. You, however, have to stay inside the lines of any decision set by the judge.

 

So, I say again: Call your Council office. Ask who holds the post of General Counsel. Visit with him, or someone who he recommends. You'll meet a new Scouting friend, and you'll also find a path that stays in the bounds of the law.

[ladyleader]

Wow! John in KC has hit the nail on the head. Since posting on this site, I've found more advice and exchange of ideas than at our local roundtable meetings. I call it my online roundtable.

 

I'm from a rural area, Central NY and the packs here just don't do everything by the book. Probably because the more they read the book, the more confused they get. My Cubmaster is good at going thru proper channels to run a successful program. However, by going to General Counsel, he might think I'm blowing this all out of proportion.

 

You see, our town is like living in Mayberry. The low crime rate, one butcher, no child abductions, streets lined with Elms, etc. Get the picture? How do I diplomatically suggest I speak to such counsel?

[Lisabob]

ladyleader,

 

You don't need your CM's approval to contact your council staff, although I can imagine inter-personal dynamics where you might decide that it would cause you more grief than it is worth to do so without at least letting him know first.

 

Also depending on the situation I don't necessarily see a need for legal counsel to figure out who gets den meeting info and who doesn't (within reason). But since you've already had one blow-out where you ended up between parents I understand why you may want clarification and in that case, John's advice makes sense in terms of whom to contact. And so why not just explain to your CM the situation you had with those two parents, express your desire to avoid similar problems in the future, and let him know that you'll be contacting council to seek relevant advice? Diplomacy aside, I'd imagine any CM could understand why a DL would take this move even if they, themselves, might approach it differently.

 

Lisa'bob

[EagleInKY]

Fortunately, I don't have much experience with this problem. I agree with those that have said to communicate as much as possible with everyone. You should in no way expect to navigate the emotional and legal issues going on between them.

 

It's funny, but some of the biggest communication problems I've experienced has been with some of the MARRIED parents in our troop.

[ladyleader]

Our pack has 40 scouts and 6 leaders. Like most packs, some leaders wear more than one hat. Since entering our leader team, the working bond between us has deepened and we get together outside of scouting. My contacting council at this point, would change the group dynamic totally. I'm not risking it. Our CM will be moving up to the BS level and the ACM will take the helm. I don't know what his leadership style is and if I feel that the problem still exists in September( we don't meet in summer), I'll need to revisit the idea of asking for support at the upper level. As I said before, this parent and scout will be moving to another pack. I have no trouble with the other scouts from 2 households - their on a unified front.

 

Is there an actual transfer form that needs to be filled out and sent to council or does the scout just register with the new pack in September? He will be completing the program in May with his present pack.

[EagleInKY]

When you transfer units, you simply fill out a new application and file it through the new unit. There is a $1 transfer fee.

 

Now, it can get a little tricky if the units don't recharter on the same schedule. The registration is good through the former units recharter date. For example, let's say your unit recharters on a calendar year basis. That means that little Johnny is registered through 12/31/06. His family moves this summer and he joins a new pack in the fall. He fills out an app and they pay the $1 transfer fee. But, let's say they recharter on 1/31/07. In this case they will also have to pay for one additional month of Johnny's membership and Boys Life fees. Make sense?

[MaScout]

Technically, no. But if the program really is about the boys, I would certainly want to. Does your pack use Packmaster? They have a Scout history form you can just print out. If not, your Scout Office should have printed forms you can get. Otherwise, just jot it down on a sheet of paper, sign & date it, then send it with the Scout or Custodial parent.

[ScoutNut]

You can if you want to & have all of the historical info handy. However, for Cubs it really is not necessary.

 

Your Pack (his current one) will be giving him all of the things he has earned with them at his final Pack meeting, correct? His rank (Tiger and/or Bobcat) will be on his shirt for everyone to see. Any belt loops will be on his belt & everything else will be on a "brag" vest, if you use one.

 

Ranks & such are not as important to Cubs as they are to Boy Scouts. He will start fresh in a Wolf den in September, weather or not he earned his Tiger rank. Once he gets to Boy Scouts the only thing that will have a bit of impact will be his Arrow of Light (AOL).

 

What does your Pack regularly do for their final Pack meeting of the school year? Do they hold a graduation ceremony & move all of the boys up to their next level? Do they give the boys their new scarf & handbook? Has your Pack ever done anything "special" for boys they knew were moving away?

 

My Pack gives all of our boys their new scarf, handbook & slide at our "Graduation" Pack meeting at the end of May. Any boys moving will take those with them to their new Pack. We will also give the families a good-by, good luck, & a round of applause, but that is about it.

 

When the families get to their new neighborhood they find a Pack they like & fill out a BSA registration form with them. On the form it has a spot to check if the boy has an unexpired membership card & a place to put the council, unit type & unit number. That is all the info the new Pack needs. After that it is up to the Pack to decide what, when & how to charge the family.

[ScoutNut]

Whoops !!

 

I replied to a post about 12 hours BEFORE it was written!

 

Looks like we are back from the future!

 

YEA!!!