Help - I'm giving up on a boy!

[ozemu]

I need some advice pls.

 

Situation is that I have had a 13 year old since Feb 01 who makes it very hard for people to like him. He is rude, selfish, overly sensitive to remarks against and the first to throw stones, refuses to wear proper uniform, deliberately slouches on parade,and generally rebels at any sort of power and attacks at any sign of weakness. Etc etc

 

His mother and I have spoken often and I said at the outset that I wa in for the long haul. The boy does not respect his mother at all. His father and I have spoken about him once - four weeks ago when he rang me to protest that I gave his son a dressing down (I was actually pleading for the boys' help on improving parade). The father seems to have similar stance to the son or was just paraphrasing his son's complaints.

 

I suspect that there is a lot going on inside this boys head and that he is carrying a lot of emotional baggage. There is a strange family dynamic but would not say that there is anything sinister. He

 

I am going overseas with my troop in July. This boy is coming and my worry is that he will continue being a pain throughout and he will be told off (by the Troop and / or by the adults). At this point one of two things may happen:

 

He returns home complaining about the rotten trip and his dad agitates for apologies, refunds, resignations etc

 

He takes it on the chin and we all have a good time (however on previous form this could revert to option A on returning home)

 

 

I am getting nervous about taking him at all - I don't trust him and he will need close supervision - not much of a trip for any of us. I intend to speak to his mother and father in next fortnight. Any suggestions?

 

[Bob White]

How about a behaviour contract? A written aggreement between the scout, the family and the troop leaders as to what behaviour each can count on from the other, and what to expect should the contract be violated. To show that all things are equal, have one drawn-up for each person in the troop to show this scout's parents that you are not expecting anything from thier son that you don't expect from every other scout.

 

Bob White

[Mike Long]

I hate contracts. This is scouting not a contractual arrangement. Honor needs to count somewhere. If no one else has behaviour issue then I see no need to make them sign anything.

 

I'd simply tell the Scout and his family that his behaviour is unacceptable, has been unacceptable and will no longer be tolerated. Either his behaviour improves or he will not be allowed to attend your trip even if his parents accompany him.

 

You must consider the rest of the troop first. This is a capitol trip and the last thing you want to do is give someone a chance to make the trip miserable for yourself and the other Scouts. If he goes and makes it rough on everybody the whole troop has a bad time and loses. Also you will be less likely to do a trip like that again, once again the troop loses. I rather confine the losing to one individual.

 

 

[smaster101]

This may be a simplistic answer, but I've seen some kids like him that responded well to an adult friend or mentor. If it can't be you the SM, maybe there is a committee member or ASM or even a JASM that can befriend this scout and help him learn to behave. He might just be reaching out for someone who understands him.

 

Anyway, I believe he should agree to follow the rules or be told he can't go on the trip. That's life, and people with bad attitudes should learn the reprocussions of their actions while their still young enough to turn themselves around.

[ozemu]

smaster101 - I agree but I have been alone as leader until the last three weeks. Also I have been getting along with him but the issue seems to have escalated since his father took a long overdue interest. This may be me being overly sensitive or just plain fed up but I still suspect a family dynamic.

 

Bob White - a good idea. I'm not sure that I will do an individual contract but a group contract might work.

 

Mike - I'm ex-army and and the simplest solution would be a 'shape up or ship out' line in the sand. I did promise to be in for the long haul however and this forum has got me thinking very seriously about boy led decisions. Can the Troop solve this or is that just me avoiding a responsibility? You are right about sacrificing the one for the good of the whole but I am greedy and looking for a win-win. Your line in the sand might just force the issue to such a situation - force everyone to address the issue conclusively.

 

Thanks everyone. The issue is not simple as I suspect that I have had the most positive effect on this boy in his recent life - at least until four weeks ago. I am worried about his future if he doesn't get through this. If you can figure out how I can eat this cake I really would like to hear more.

 

 

 

[Mike Long]

Oz, ALWAYS fight for the win-win. It's the hardest and most complicated road but the most rewarding.

 

I meant not go on the trip not get out of the troop. I would definately keep working with him in the course of the regular troop activities but I would not put a capital trip at risk.

 

I'm not so sure about this being something the boys can handle without major adult help. Most kids don't have the wisdom to rise above and try to see long term situation and repercussions.

 

 

[eisely]

How about having a couple of the boy leaders who are equally aware and disgusted sit down with the boy privately. American teenagers take peer suggestions and criticisms much more seriously than comments from adults. I suspect that Australian teenagers are not that much different. If he does not mend his ways soon, I see no alternative to not taking him. It is always a disappointment and frustration when a situation with a boy comes to this, but we cannot feel too guilty about occasional lack of success.

[jmcquillan]

Sounds like you don't have an awful lot of other volunteers to "mentor", or otherwise work with the boy. That being the case, I'd have to agree with Mike. You're the SM for ALL the boys, not just the one. As idealistic and desireable as it is to "save" them all, it's not realistic sometimes, and we just have to accept that, or drive ourselves mad in the process. Should you suddenly run into a horde of interested and enthusiastic adult volunteers to assist in this, and all, issues, then a serious attempt might be made to change the boys thinking.

 

You may very well be correct in your thoughts that there might be one whole heck of a lot of emotional baggage that the boy is carrying. The picture of the boys home environment that comes from your posts seems plausible. The boy may very well be just one fo those who would be very well served by Scouting for the rest of his life. But that should not come at the expense of the rest of the troop. I have seen instances where one or two really bad apples in the troop can drive some of the really interested families out...to the deteriment of the troop. Don't let that happen in your zeal to save this boy. If the resources are there to make it happen for the boy, then great, but otherwise you might be getting gray from Scouting long before your turn.

 

As to the overseas trip, no contract, however well written and well-meant, can prevent the boy from becoming that which you fear once over there. And you'd need some real iron-clad assurance by the parents, and a method, money, and adult in place to get the boy home sooner than the rest if it came to that. Are you ready for that?

 

Remember all the other boys you're responsible for, and best of luck.

 

[ozemu]

eisley, excellant suggestion which I will put into action Friday night.

 

Mike and jmcquillan, thanks for the support and yes the crunch is the trip and the fall out that could result. The boys parents have said that he may well leave the Troop after the trip which means he has nothing to loose and the whole issue may have been decided already regardless of my efforts.

 

Everyone - your advice makes me feel that I am not being unreasonable in my considerations. Although I probably am striving for a perfect world.

 

I'll post the results of the parent interview that I am planning.

 

Any further suggestions are still very welcome.