Den Leader Burnout ( a little long)

[BelieveinScouts]

I am a Wolf Leader. I was a Tiger Leader last year because no one else wanted to do it. I only had parents step up and host a month 3 times in the entire year in Tigers. That was okay though, there were only five achievements. I'm the type of person that always expands on the activities in the book so it will be more fun for the boys. It is more fun for the boys, but it's also a lot of extra work. This year, I now have 11 boys, and of course 12 achievements. I've had almost no parental help. I asked for an Asst at the beginning of the year, but everyone was too "busy". I don't know what to do. Next year, 24 achievements are looming. I'm really attached to the boys, but I feel like I'm starting to drop the ball at the meetings. They aren't as fun as they used to be, and buying supplies for 11 boys is about to break me. I know I should collect dues, but I don't because the parents all say they are broke, or pay enough at the beginning of the year, etc. I'm a single Mom with a son that is borderline ADHD. His Dr. says it can be handled through behavior management, but that he needs a streamlined environment. LOL Are you kidding? I have one whole wall of my living room filled up with Scout stuff! I want to step down next year, or join another Pack, but I feel responsible for my boys. I hate to leave them, but I feel like I have to look out for my own son first, and quite frankly, I need a break. We are from a small Pack. There are no committees. We have a Pack Leader that's moving on to Boy Scouts next year and can't even get anyone to take over. This may be a moot point. If we don't have a Pack Leader next year, we may fold anyway. I don't mean to complain, I'm just very tired. How do I fight Den Leader Burnout? Just once, I would like to be the parent that shows up and enjoys the meeting, instead of being the one that has put a week into planning it. Any suggestions? Thanks for hearing me out.

[TundraHawk]

I don't know if I have many suggestions, but I can sympathize with you. I once had a parent on our pack committee make the comment that being a den leader is "nothing" and it takes little to no time - I only wish I could see what type of den leaders those folks would make! Like you, both my husband and I expand on the achievements, and it takes A LOT of work. Not surprisingly, my husband's Wolf den was the strongest den in the pack.

 

I know you said that you have asked for help in the past, but maybe you can get the parents together (as they are picking up their boys from one of the meetings) and tell them that you cannot continue (and hence, the den cannot continue) unless you get some help. Sometimes in a "do or die" situation, one or two parents will volunteer.

 

Don't feel like you are letting down the boys. Scouting should be a FAMILY oriented activity, and those parents are letting down their boys by not helping the den/pack. Also don't put pressure on yourself to continue onto next year. Your family must come first.

 

[dsteele]

Are either one of you using the Program Helps den meeting plans? They're found in your Scouting Magazine or purchased (for about $5.00 at your Scout Shop.)

 

If you're using them, great. If not, get them. They'll take a lot of the pain out of planning.

 

If you're using them, but you're doing it all, I have a suggestion for you that at first will take a bit of time, but will get easier.

 

Divide the meeting portions among the parents. You run the den meeting, but Mrs. Smith is in charge of the craft. The program helps will supply the directions and materials needed. Start "farming out" parts of the meeting and rotate those parts around. Eventually, parents will learn that it's not tough to pitch in. Explain to them that they're in charge of that portion of the meeting and that it won't get done if they're not there. They'll find a way.

 

Unc.

[johndaigler]

BeieveinScouts,

 

WELCOME!!

 

Wow, I don't really know where to begin. Scouters in sad situations like your's tends to make me a little crazy and angry. As you (all of you) read along, know that it's not you (BelieveinScouts) at whom the angst is aimed!

 

It's not really possible to do this Scouting thing all by yourself. In fact it's against the BSA YP rules. You should not be meeting with boys without another adult present.

 

"Cub" Scouting, in particular, is a family based program. It doesn't sound as if you're getting any support from parents or Pack Leadership, at all.

 

Your Den should be split into two. Your CC and CM are responsible for finding an assistant for you and new Leaders for the other Den, and a pair of Den Chiefs.

 

Your Cubs' parents need to be fulfilling their responsibilities to their sons.

 

And, you say you're not really doing right by your son (or your personal finances) because of your attempt to help other people's sons???? I apologize for directness that borders on harshness but, "STOP!".

 

Stop spending money you shouldn't.

Stop prioritizing other people's sons.

Stop breaking BSA youth protection rules.

Stop worrying more about a group of families than they worry about themselves.

Stop carrying the physical, financial and emotional load for a system that isn't supporting you in the way a BSA Cub Pack is supposed to.

Stop trying heroic measures to keep your patients (the Den and Pack) alive when parents, by their indifference, or their inability to help, have emotionally signed the DNR order.

Please, just, STOP.

 

...

 

Ok, now you've come to a 'dead' standstill. (I always hear the Eagles' "Learn to be Still", playing in my head right about now)

 

...

 

Take a breather, and have a drink - for me this step often includes a nap .

 

...

 

Imagine that tomorrow someone is going to knock on your door and ask your son to join Cubs and you to be a Den Leader under the circumstances you know exist. What are you gonna do?

 

...

 

Perhaps it's fixable - you can say, "I'll be your DL under the following conditions . . ." (of course, only you know what changes need to be made to make this situation doable)

 

Perhaps it's not - it's probably time to look for a new Pack.

 

I don't think all Packs are fixable. And, though Scouters are service oriented people, choosing Scouting over your family responsibilities and joy is never, IMHO, in the end, best for anyone - you, your family, or the boys you work with.

 

The fact that you called it DL Burnout takes some of the blame onto your own shoulders. Stop doing that, too! I think being a DL is a lot of work, but it's way too much fun for Scouters to burn out. What DLs burn out on is all the stuff that isn't supposed to happen to DLs -- poor Pack Leadership is usually the core cause.

 

You're not supposed to do it all. You're not supposed to Be Able to do it all. If the situation can't be fixed, then it's inappropriate to stay in it. Often enough, when a good Scouter threatens to walk away, enough support appears to keep them around and sometimes things turn out alright. Sometimes things are so broken, nobody efforts to keep the Scouter there and Units die in due course.

 

If you have hope that the situation can be changed, I'd try talking (and basically making demands) to the following people who have responsibility to you as a DL.

 

Cubs' parents

Pack Cubmaster

Pack Committee Chairperson

Charter Organization Representative

Pack Unit Commissioner

District Commissioner

District Executive

(and some where in there, I'd be checking out nearby Packs to see if there are other answers available to you and your son)

 

We all wish you well - and we hope Scouting finds a way to live up to its Promise to you.

 

Let us hear the rest of the story.

 

jd

 

 

[johndaigler]

Unc, you crack me up!

 

I have to write a 3 act play to say all the things posts like BiS's make me think and feel. You just toss out 50 words; minimize the stress level, offer a simple step forward and validate everyone's efforts and confidence.

 

Making me a bit green...

 

I'll bet you don't get lost very often!

 

... just crack me up ...

[SemperParatus]

BIS,

 

I think most committed Scouters have had these exact same feelings at one time or another, especially in the early years with the shock that there are many parents out there that just don't seem to care enough to help out, even a little bit.

 

First things first. Start charging den dues...immediately. Figure out what you spend each month on den supplies and make it perfectly clear to the other parents that dues must be paid. There is absolutely no reason you should be spending your own money to entertain ten other children every week.

 

Second, have a sitdown with the parents in your den and let them know exactly how you feel. Things can't continue as in the past. Have a sign-up sheet that each parent must sign volunteering their time for an upcoming meeting. No one leaves the room until they sign-up for a future meeting. (I had to do this very thing when I was a Bear den leader and cubmaster - it was hard but I felt at the end of my rope at the time - much as you do). Let them know what their future meeting will be focusing on and give them the task of providing the craft, game, activity, whatever. If a parent refuses to help in anyway, then I think you are within your rights to suggest that they transfer to another den or pack where their services will not be needed. Human nature is such that people will continue to take advantage of your kindness until you decide to put an end to it.

 

Third, take UncleGuinea's wise advise and use the Program Helps and other BSA literature found at your local scout shop to lessen your planning time. You don't have to follow them to a tee, but some weeks you can and others you can add your own touches. Expanding on the requirements is nice but you should not have to rack your brain and go broke making it super special week-in and week-out. The kids probably love it, but you would be surprised to discover that they will probably love a lot less too. Share the Helps with the parents that have signed up to help, well in advance, so they can plan their part of the den meeting.

 

Fourth, remember that at this age the advancement work should still be a scout-parent initiative. You can supplement that work during den meetings but don't kill yourself by taking care of all advancement requirements for all the boys. Let the parent crack the scout handbook too. If some boys do not advance as a result, well that is not really your problem. Let the parents know that now, so they have plenty of advance warning when badges are presented. Perhaps put together a full year den calendar that shows each den meeting date, the parent helper, the activity, the requirements that will be covered - and a list of the requirements that each scout/parent must complete at home. This can take some upfront planning time, but I think you will find it time well spent as some of the pressure is taken off of your shoulders and everyone knows their responsibilities both to the den and their own scout.

 

Fifth, remember. Remember why you joined scouting in the first place. To give your son a great experience in an organization that fosters friendship, fun, and growth. Remember why you became a leader. It wasn't just because no one else volunteered. It was also because you wanted to help other children, like your son, experience the benefits that scouting has to offer. Remember, that all of that could go away if you do not take care of yourself first and remove the pressure you are feeling.

 

Finally, do what is best for your son. If he is having fun in scouting, it is probably because of your efforts.

 

I sincerely hope you can get through this difficult time by changing expectations you have for yourself and the parents of those scouts you serve. Believe me, there are fantastic rewards on the other side. Scouting can provide both you and your son with years of incredibly wonderful shared experiences. Best of luck to you.

[cajuncody]

I have the solution for you. It is simple. Your problem and mine are alike. However I am to take over as CM next year. Here is my answer : (Ever see the Chronicles of Riddick?)

I take a deep breath and simply say

"Not my Problem"

I know this sounds harsh but here is why. I have a den of 9 boys, one of which is adhd and another is my very hyper son. For the past year I have been running a quasi pack instead of a den. I always plan enough for everyone in our pack (now down to 12 counting my 9 wolves) but I couldn't do it on a den level and get everyones needs met. Hence the "not my problem". I am only concerned now about doing my job as den leader ( not CM, CC, or any other position). When I advance next year to CM I will have others to help me which my current CM doesn't have. Hopefully I will do a better job. However right now it is "Not my problem". It may turn out that next year when we charter we only have my den, I will deal with that time when it gets here. I will do my best with what I have. If parents can't help or can't support our projects then they won't happen. When they see that projects are slowing down they will ask why and I will tell them short and to the point :"I can't do this job without your full support". Maybe the parents just need a wake up call. Maybe people like us have done so much for so long with so little that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing. I for one am not going to take it. I am putting my foot down and I would encourage you to do so as well. We are volunteers not hired help. These parents are going to have to understand that we can't have a den/pack without their support and sad to say but if they won't support us then the program suffers. Don't get me wrong, I am not burnt out. I am actually very excited about my part in scouting and will do everything I can to keep the boys in scouting. I am just saying that enough is enough. Next year will be different for me but I promise everyone here that I will NEVER put a den leader through what we have been through.

As johnD said, sit down, take a deep breath, take a load off, and have a cool drink (nap optional). Re think what it is you want to accomplish and set your goals accordingly. Me? I want to make a difference in the world one boy at a time. Maybe you feel that way too but with a high output child maybe you should step back and make a difference in his first. Take care of your own, they grow quickly

YIS

Kristi(This message has been edited by cajuncody)

[dsteele]

Thank you for the compliments. I was simply trying to help by cutting to the chase.

 

Actually, John, I get lost quite often, relatively speaking. It's not that I don't know where I want to end up, it's that I'm always looking for a different way to get there!

 

I once aimed for downtown Chicago and ended up in Munster, IN before I could turn around. I missed by a whole state! The key is to learn along the way and still be able to manage to laugh.

 

As to Cub Scout leadership -- I say keep on trying.

 

Unc.

[johndaigler]

Unc,

 

At first I thought you just needed a little bit more stress, high blood pressure or angst in your life.

 

It's really just not all that accepted to stroll through life quietly singing, "Val-de-reeee, Val-da-raaaaa, val-da-ra-ha-ha-ha-ha - haaaaaaaa!", to yourself!!!

 

Then I thought about it, and quickly diagnosed the situation as your lack of PRBSS! Post Red Beret Stress Syndrome has become more and more prevalent in Scouters in recent years -- but you, apparently, missed the PRBSS boat!!!

 

I've been doing well with my PRBSS, but when I see DLs in tough spots I have momentary relapses!

 

BelieveinScouts, you're in a tough spot, but there is light at the end of the tunnel - sometimes that light comes from within yourself. Be well, and be kind to yourself as you work your way through the issues. Try to tackle them as a series of small problems, rather than 1 gigantic one. Like climbing a set of steps - you can't jump to the top, but each individual step isn't insurmountable. Especially when you start getting a little help from others.

 

Good Luck!

 

jd

[dsteele]

John:

 

Actually, I have been known to sing "Happy Wanderer" out loud with special emphasis on Valdereee Valdera. Sometimes that is exactly what is needed.

 

I've struggled with burnout several times over the years. Unfortunately, it's led to me having a very thick skin.

 

I'm not immune to the plights of others nor to my own. A very wise friend of mine once said "These things are not a big deal if you take the time to think them through."

 

That's what I try to do here (I'm not always successful.) I try to take a look at a situation, the resources available, subtract out the emotion, and suggest a next step. I don't pretend to have solutions, simply suggestions for the next step. I realize that it's impossible to present every variable in these forums. There may be things going on of which the poster isn't even aware.

 

Today's tidbit to the den leader -- if you're getting frustrated with your situation, spend some time with a couple of boys and look for the light in their eyes. When you see that light, and realize it wouldn't be there without you . . . things change.

 

Unc.

[dsteele]

PS --

 

As to the Post Red Beret Stress Syndrome. I am imune to it's symptoms. I wore one and owned one in the 1970's, but it was only on my head for about an hour before being tossed in a dumpster on the way to Philmont.

 

We had an overzealous Assistant Scoutmaster in the 1970's when I was in the troop. He actually carried his son's pack -- and his son! on a five mile hike and then gave him credit for making the hike for his skill award (yes, I earned all of them.)

 

When that guy tried to shove the red beret down our throats as the elected troop hat, I led the rebellion.

 

Hmmm . . . I guess that did leave a mark . I hated the red beret because I associate it with all the crud that guy tried to pull.

 

Unc.