Humor

[eisely]

This has nothing to do with scouts, but is too good not to share.

 

News Alert!

 

ANGERED BY SNUB BY PRESIDENT BUSH, LIBYA, CHINA AND SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL

 

Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia form Axis of Somewhat Evil

 

Other Nations start own clubs.

 

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just As Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that supid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union Address.

 

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil -- in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong. "Everybody knows we're the best evils, best at being evil. We're the best."

 

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

 

An axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi president Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule. It's a tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

 

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

 

International reaction to Bush's "Axis of Evil" declaration was swift, as within minutes France surrendured. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs.

 

Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil As Just Generally Disagreeable.

 

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host The Olympics. Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

 

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay and Chadquay denied the charges.

 

Israel meanwhile insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

 

[Dedicated Dad]

This is for you home schoolers!

 

Rules for Writing Good

1. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent

2. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

3. Don't use no double negatives.

4. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.

5. Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.

6. Avoid redundancy.

7. Don't repeatedly reiterate over and over.

8. About sentence fragments.

9. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.

10. Don't abbrev.

11. Check to see if you any words out.

12. Eschew esoteric verbiage.

13. Computer spell Czechs are imperfect.

14. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

15. Use apostrophe's right.

16. When dangling, don't use participles.

17. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without

an object.

18. a sentence should begin with a capital and end with

a period

19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped

into our language.

20. Profanity sucks.

21. Be more or less specific.

22. Understatement may be better.

23. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than under-

statement.

24. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

25. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

26. Even if a mixed metaphor sings like a canary, it

should be thrown out with the bathwater.

27. Last but not least, lay off cliches.

 

 

[Chief Decorah]

Signs That You Might Be Taking Scouting Too Seriously

 

--You buy that '89 Chevy Caprice because you really like that fleur-de-lis hood ornament.

 

--You decide to lash together the new deck on the back of your house.

 

--You plan to serve foil meals at your next dinner party.

 

--You walk the streets in broad daylight with a coffee cup and flashlight hanging from your

belt.

 

--You raise your hand in the scout sign at a heated business meeting.

 

--You were arrested by airport security because you wouldn't give up your official BSA pocketknife until the cop said, "thank you".

 

--You didn't mind losing power to your house for three days.

 

--Your son hides his copy of Boy's Life from you.

 

--Your plans for remodeling the bathroom include digging the hole deeper.

 

--You managed to find that 8th day in the week.

 

--You disconnect the automatic dishwasher in favor of the "3 pot method".

 

--You sneak a cup of "Bug Juice" after the troop turns in for the night.

 

--Latrines at camp start becoming comfortable.

 

--You felt you won a moral victory when BSA brought back knee high socks.

 

--You think campaign hats are cool.

 

--You gave your wife a mummy bag rated for -15 F for Christmas.

 

--You can recite the 12 points of the Scout Law backwards, in order, in 3 seconds flat.

 

--You plan to get rich by writing a best selling Dutch Oven cook book.

 

--You took a chemistry course at the local college to help you develop a better fire starter.

 

--The height of your social season is the district recognition dinner.

 

--A trip to Philmont is a pilgrimage.

 

--The sales operators at the BSA distribution center's 800 number recognize your voice.

 

--Singing "Scout Vespers" makes you cry uncontrollably.

[Dedicated Dad]

--You felt you won a moral victory when BSA brought back knee high socks. I want the tabs back too!!!CD that was very funny.

[evmori]

You might be a Scoutmaster if ...........

 

> The last words out of your mouth at night are "Shut up and go to sleep".

 

> The top of your belt buckle is shinier than the reat of the buckle.

 

> You consider the coffee cup haning from your belt as part of you "full uniform".

 

 

[Dedicated Dad]

Animals TOO SO have rights; dont you keep up with PETA?

 

A letter from Boy Scout camp

Dear Mom and Dad:

Our scout master told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.We are OK.Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleepingbags got washed away.Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps.It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did.Also some of our clothes.John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed.It wasn't his fault about the wreck.The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car.He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.It was great.You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up, but scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison.I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now.We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.Don't worry about anything.

We are fine.

Love, Cole

PS: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

 

 

 

 

[OldGreyEagle]

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

 

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

 

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

 

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

 

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

 

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

 

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

 

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

 

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

 

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON®, how do they make TEFLON® stick to the pan?

 

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

 

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

 

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

 

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

 

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

 

Why is it that when you transport something by truck, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

 

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

 

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

 

I don't believe in reincarnation, but I did in my past life.

[berkshirescouter]

Camping Hints* (It's Never Too Early To Make Plans to Camp.)

 

 

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

 

 

Get even with the bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

 

 

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

 

 

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

 

 

While the Swiss Army knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a

tiny canoe paddle.

 

 

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze and cough, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

 

 

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.

Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

 

 

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

 

 

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

 

 

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan

veterinarians.

 

 

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

 

 

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

 

 

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey

puck.

 

 

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your

underwear.

 

 

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

 

 

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

 

 

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

 

 

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

[Chief Decorah]

I'm trying to remember back... My son just finished Wilderness Survival merit badge. I don't recall if he learned the aspect of surviving in the wilderness by concocting a slingshot using the elastic waistband of his underwear...

 

...and provided he was lost WITH a plastic garbage bag in his pocket, it's nice to know that he could shoot several geese, stuff them (and himself) in the garbage bag and stay warm after shooting the geese with the afore mentioned underwear waistband slingshot.

 

(On a personal note, I'll be forever indebted to Trail Day for enlightening me to my mistake at firestarting. Just those few simple words... "Remove lint from navel BEFORE lighting match..." Duh!!!!!!!)

[eisely]

Hey Chief,

 

Gotcha! The instructions said nothing about shooting the geese first. The new standard, approved by PETA, requires that the geese be kept alive and provided with psychological counseling in the morning.

[Dedicated Dad]

The Man Song

[FScouter]

Heres a true story about a strange telephone call involving caller ID technology.

 

An acquaintance has become friends with the pastor of a store front church. The pastor's church is called the Almighty God Tabernacle. On a Saturday night several weeks ago, the pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was only about 8:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but locked up the church and left for home. When he arrived he asked her why she hadn't answered the phone. She replied that the phone hadnt rung all evening. They both thought this strange, but paid it no mind.

 

The following Monday the pastor received a call at his church office. The caller was a man that wanted to know why he had been called on Saturday night. The pastor was puzzled for a moment. Then the man said, The phone rang and rang, but I didn't answer.

 

The pastor remembered his apparent miss-dial and apologized for disturbing him and explained that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said, That's amazing. Let me tell you what happened to me."

 

"You see, Ive been having big problems and was planning to kill myself Saturday night. But before I did I prayed, 'God if you're real and you dont want me to do this, give me a sign now.' Just then my phone started ringing. I looked at the caller ID box to see who was calling, and it said, . . . . 'Almighty God'. I was just too afraid to answer!"

 

[Robin]

We were away with our Scouts for a hike last weekend, stopping overnight at a youth hostel on the shores of Loch lomond. In the morning the Scouts were waiting at the door, ready to go while one of our leaders was rushing about looking for his boots. He had left them in the drying room but now there was only a similar pair of boots left there much too small for him.

I guessed what had happened when I saw a 10 year old Scout, who will have to remain nameless to protect the guilty, walking around the hallway wearing a pair of giant boots. He took a lot of persuading that they were not his!

[berkshirescouter]

Robin

Great story! Where in Scotland are you from? I lived in Helensbourgh for two years while working as a field engineer in the area.

Paul Rokoff

ASM troop 12 Dalton Ma

troop12dalton@yahoo.com

[Robin]

Hi Paul

I am in Old Kilpatrick, which is at the north end of the Erskine bridge, next to the River Clyde. I am the Cub Leader for the 1st Glen Lusset (Old Kilpatrick) Group.

Were you involved in scouting in Helensburgh?