[i created a new username so I could talk about this freely]
AhoyDave, I am very unhappy to hear your long, negative experience with your son. It's very upsetting to many people on these forums, I am sure. But, I am not sure that it represents a general bias or programmatic fault with the BSA in general. It sounds to me like you just got stuck with a whole bunch of jerks (I would probably use a stronger word starting with "a" and ending with "oles" in person).
I have two specific examples which make me think that it's not as bad everywhere:
1) In my wood badge patrol, one of our members was quite challenged. He had experienced a lot of tough things in life, mental and physical problems, and clearly had a lot of socialization issues. He laughs at inappropriate times, tells jokes too loud, and really doesn't have much feeling for social clues.
But, he was the first one in our patrol to get his beads, and the rest of our patrol has ensured that he had a good experience. In fact, everyone involved in the entire wood badge course from SM and SPL through all the other wood badgers made sure he was welcomed, accepted, and had a good time. He tested peoples' patience some, but I think it helped us bond.
In the non-inclusive BSA world you describe I don't think that this would have happened.
2) I am a CM for a medium-size pack, in a moderately affluent area, with a bunch of kids that have reasonably severe problems. There are at least 8 or more that are "classified" and a few that are not mainstreamed. They constantly test our leaders' patience. I know the den leaders sometimes want to pull out their hair. We sometimes say to each other "How did we ever end up with this bunch of kids?" But, we get it done, make sure the kids have a good time, and the kids (mostly) advance with the appropriate level of assistance and support from Akela. Of course Cubs is much different, and we can lean on the parent, but we welcome all the kids.
I have empathy for the many postings on these forums about kids that are too disruptive to keep in the pack easily. I only have mild disruption problems, and our technique is to tell the parent that they need to pay more attention, which has actually worked, so far. It's worse on the campouts; it seems the parents have a harder time keeping track of the kids for that long, and the kids tend to get wilder. A kid who doesn't listen to anyone and who doesn't pick up social cues can be dangerous when running through a campsite with a burning marshmallow on the end of a pointed stick...
So, AhoyDave, I have no doubt that you've had a really bad experience. It may be that this kind of thing is quite widespread, but I thought you should know that it isn't universal, and I really haven't seen the BSA do anything that seems to encourage that bad behavior.
-Melgamatic